New here... and in a constant black hole

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ananathla97, Feb 24, 2012.

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  1. ananathla97

    ananathla97 Member

    I decided to come to this forum, because there's not a person who understands how I feel, nor takes me seriously. Everything is wrong. I grew up with an abusive mother who suffers from borderline personality disorder.. which is a whole long story in itself. Wanting to die started when I was very little, because of how badly I was physically abused and mentally abused. And the rest of my family swept it under the rug, and always has, always will. When I was 17 I attempted suicide after being raped and couldn't go to anyone, not my mom, nobody. I took a whole bottle of aspirin. All it did was cause vomiting, ear ringing and feeling like shit. My mom didn't take me to the hospital when it happened. I used to cut, so I have scars on my arms, but now I feel its useless. It does nothing. I moved out from my mothers at 17, and lived on my own until I met my first boyfriend who was charming and claimed he was in college, and was on a good path. Within that 2 year relationship, I nearly died. The guy and his sister smashed me over the head with a casserole dish which left me needing 7 staples in my head. So I moved back to my mom's after that ordeal. I STILL had hope somehow. I thought, well I'm young, that's just bad luck, there are better people out there. So I kept going to college, working hard. Met my current fiance. Before him I had close guy friends, I worked at a bar, made good money through school. I had confidence in myself. I modeled. I was beautiful..... and believed it. I met this guy, and he was great, went out of his way to make me feel special, acted like he truly truly adored me, which is what I had always asked for. I truly loved him. But he hated my guy friends. At first it was little things, like he felt my guy friend didn't have my best interest at heart, or to associate with this one is trouble, etc. Then it became him searching through my phone, screaming at me accusing me if I spoke to any guy. So I stopped speaking to them. Then it was my job. I quit it for him. Then it was facebook. He thought I would "flirt with guys" through that. So I deactivated my account. And now its school, I'm a master's student Physician Assistant, and everyday he tells me that I must have been flirting with guys all day long, and he is very sly about it too. he will text and say "go talk to other people you have them." It has worn me down so much... that I just want to die. I carried the pain around from my childhood, from the rape, from my ex, and now this. ITS just too much! Now I am afraid of going to stores or anywhere, I am just totally antisocial. If a person asks me a question in class, I walk away... because he tells me they all spread rumors and call me a ***** behind my back. Who do I believe everyone is so convincing. I cry everyday... I see myself as ugly and unwanted. People still say how beautiful I am, I don't see it. I see a worn mess. I asked his mother if I could get a therapist he could go to and talk to and her response was if I'm so unhappy to pack my clothes and take my cats and get out. Any friends I do have, don't understand the severity of my feelings, or they don't want to talk about it and change the subject and say "You'll be fine." I've told my fiance many times that I intend to just die, and he says "stop, you're lying, no you're not. You are too selfish." He doesn't care. I wake up, not wanting to wake up, I go to class and do what is expected of me, as isolated as I can be, I come home, and get accused by him, I sit in a bedroom thinking of ways to die. I've done extensive research into the exit bag method. And I feel this is my only way out because I don't have the strength to leave, I feel that maybe I'm at fault somehow. And I also feel that honestly, I got a bad draw in life, bad family, that its time to call it quits. it won't get better.
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I'm sorry that you're having a rough patch of life. Here is a good place to come and talk or vent and people will understand.

    Is there any therapists at your school you can talk to? There used to be some at my college available to the students. That way your mom or bf won't know. One doesn't have to be unhappy to talk to a therapist.

    Come to this forum and participate in the chat'll find others just like you.

    take care.

  3. ananathla97

    ananathla97 Member

    I go to an extremely small school so believe it or not.. there isn't nor do I want to end up in some hospital. I will def look into chat.
  4. Alexgrey

    Alexgrey Well-Known Member

    Hi. Im in the same situation with my fiance. You should let him know that you love HIM, and the other guys are just friends. Make him trust you. Im trying that so hard and it`s working. Being antisocial is not the solution.
    Im sure you are beautiful and young and you deserve to be respected! Leave the past behind, because it will just depress you more. I didn`t have a perfect familly either, but I got over it and made my own life. You have all this time to make things better.

    I hope you get better.
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