New here and increasingly suicidal

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Night Rose, Jul 14, 2012.

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  1. Night Rose

    Night Rose New Member


    I'm a 25-year-old female who has become increasingly suicidal lately. However there is nothing new about me being suicidal, but it just seems to be getting worse now.

    I was considering whether I should post on one of those sites where you can look for suicide aid/suicide partners, but the little part of me that is still being somewhat reasonable, decided to post here instead.

    To tell a bit about myself and why I have these suicide thoughts...

    I've suffered from anxiety since being a small child. First started developing OCD as a result of all my anxieties, later developed trichotillomania (hair pulling) aged 8 or 9, which I'm still suffering from. I've had suicide thoughts since being 11 years old. Was always a thought that gave me some inner peace - if it all got too much, I'd be able to end it all. My tricho very much was a factor in this early suicide thinking as it made my childhood and teenage years living hell. I very much lacked understanding and caring surroundings when it came to my tricho. I was also depressed most of the time and often needed to be alone as social situations quickly became too much for me.

    Since my late teenage years, I've gone down with major depression on average twice a year. This followed by 'highs'- which often have saved me. When my mood is normal I sometimes feel OK, sometimes I feel awful. No anti-depressants has least not for very long.

    I started seeing a psychiatrist recently. Well, I am now seeing a second one. None of them have diagnosed me fully, but both believe I might have bipolar disorder type 2 and that I might also have chronic PTSD (I have some childhood memories that only exists in flashbacks and my body also remembers something my concious mind does not - however I don't know if the flashbacks and body reactions really mean something happened).
    The first psychiatrist also thought I might have Borderline Personality Disorder, but he was never able to diagnose as I don't fit in well enough. My new psychiatrist disagrees and says I might have various anxiety disorders instead.
    They have put me on a mood stabiliser which is slowly being increased and I have recently started counselling.

    I got HIV from a boyfriend when I was 19 years old. However after the initial shock, it has proved not to be that big a problem for me mentally. I am on medication and and perfectly healthy.

    My mum died at a very young age when I was 22 years old. It came as a shock. Sadly our relationship had been very strained after my HIV diagnoses as she more or less started hating me - she even wrote a letter to me saying she regretted ever having me and that she is embarrassed I'm her daughter. I now know that her own near death experience when she was 21, had something to do with her reaction. I am not very close to my dad.

    As an adult I have been raped twice by two different people I knew well and trusted. I also escaped rape last minute from a third person - this one was a relative stranger. Rather than reporting it and dealing with it emotionally, I automatically decided to pretend as if it didn't happen. I always suppress any bad emotions I might have.

    I've always had problems getting relationships with men to work even though I've dated some very nice guys (but some bad ones as well). I am now married, but in many ways this marriage was a bad choice. My husband is a good guy in many ways, but also a tyrannic abuser in others. He started abusing me physically shortly after we got married and I moved out quickly as a result (I should add that I've never been in an abusive relationship before and that I have been quick to leave 'bad' men in the past). I am still with my husband, but I refuse to live with him as long as I feel he might pose as a threat. It seems I'm more likely to accept sexual abuse whereas I won't tolerate physical and emotional abuse... My husband agreed to see a psychiatrist as it had become increasingly obvious to me he's mentally ill. He has now been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder also known as Anankastic Personality Disorder (it's not the same as OCD). He has just started therapy. I have no clue what will happen between me and him. All I know is that he's getting this chance to improve his behaviour, but if he does not, I'll leave him once and for all - even though I'm terrified of being alone (for the past 4 years, starting around the time my mum died, I have become terrified of being single).

    I've had lots of dreams and hope for the future. I've been working towards doing my dream master's degree and my getting my dream job for over 5 years.This and my hope that my mental health problems would vanish one day, are the main reasons why I haven't committed suicide, even though I've been very close to doing so many times, mainly during my depressions.

    I am now almost done with my studies. I will be finishing my master's degree in a couple of months time. After this, my plan is to abroad volunteering to get some practical experience within my field - something I have looked forward too for a long long time. However for the past couple of months, I stopped looking forward to going abroad. I've stopped looking forward to starting my dream career and I don't even care about writing my dissertation even though it's about my dream topic in my dream field. I have lost my hope for the future. I don't feel I care about any of my long-standing dreams any more. There is only one thing I look forward to, and that is to have kids, but I know it's definitely not the right time and right place for that now.

    I'm not sure why I've lost my hope. Maybe it's because I've started understanding what my mental health challenges are. I've had these issues for so long that I didn't really try to find out what they were not did I understand any of emotions. I now know that even though I'll hopefully get better, I will never be fully cured - at least not for all of it. I've been waiting for a miracle I think, but I now know it won't come.
    It's also possible that the realisation that I can get a depression in the midst of doing my dream master's degree has pulled away some of my hope (I went down with one of my depressions when I was about to do the second out of two semesters - it's a 1-year degree). I guess I thought/hoped I'd be immune to depressions when I was finally doing what I really loved to do - but obviously the depressions come regardless of what I'm doing and where I am.
    Maybe I've lost interest in my my dreams because I now know there won't be a miracle. Maybe it's because of something completely different. I don't know. All I know is that I'm getting increasingly suicidal even though I don't have one of my depressions right now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you and your pdoc can find something to pull you out of this depression hun so you can go on and fulfill your dreams hugs
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, Night Rose. That is a frustrating thing about depression, never knowing when it will hit and how hard it will be to pull through when it does. I hope you can figure out the right anti-depressant or mood stabilizer to smooth out those bumps soon. Allow you to focus on better things without having to worry about your brain pulling mutiny when things otherwise ought to be doing okay.
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