New here, and very afraid

[palelady]

I am 47, with two grown sons and living separated from my husband. I moved to Maine two years ago after going bankrupt and being evicted. My husband's family had a place for him to stay, but not enough room for myself and our sons.

I have also suffered from depression, anxiety and PTSD since childhood. Over the past year I have had increasingly frequent suicidal thoughts. At one time I actually had the knife to my wrist but backed out of doing anything. Mainly for the love of my sons. But every day is a struggle to get out of bed and do things. I cry constantly, and think of death and dying pretty much all the time. I doubt that I would have the nerve to take my own life, but I hate living and wish I could just have peace, or nothingness.

I did a partial hospitalization last year, and they had a hell of a time pinning down the right meds for me. Right now I am on buspar, Xanax and Klonopin. The doctor feels that it would be good for me to go for a short term hospital stay. My employers are alright with it (thankfully I have insurance), and my sons back me up. But my husband seems to not care at all. And for some reason that I really cannot figure out, that is hurting me more than almost anything else.

Today I had the knife to my wrist again. And again I backed off. I am going to seek help, but this feeling of hopelessness is just taking over me.

 

[Pneuma]

I think you should check in to the hospital. If not for your own sake, do it for your sons. If your husband is not going to be supportive, is there another support network in you life you can turn to? friends, family, co-worker?

 

[palelady]

I intend to go to the hospital, will discuss this with the doc today. Aside from my sons I have coworkers. And don't know how much they can be trusted.

 

[LostMyMind]

Welcome to suicide forum.
A knife to the wrist would be a horrible way to go out.

 

[vbuk]

hey hun - welcome to sf. i hope that things start getting better for you soon. please be safe and talk to us as much as u need to - we will always listen. feel free to pm me n e time if you need a chat.

Take care

Clare x

 

[smackh2o]

Your docs have messed about with a ton of pills for you when it really sounds like you need to work out your problems with someone. Things like you not understanding why you care so much what your husband thinks is tantomount to having things bottled up. When was the last time you actually confided in someone and felt you trusted them enough to tell them what was on your mind? It's the hardest thing for us to do I reckon, but if we don't do it, we bottle up and we start to develop serious problems, which eventually lead to things like depression and suicidal feelings. I think it is very advisable to book into this hosiptal but make sure theyre not just feeding you pills for a month or two, make sure they are trying to understand you, make friends with them and ask about them and get to know them. If you don't like them, don't tell them things.
You've got two sons who must love you dearly and I think that is enough reason to carry on the fight. I hopw things start to go well for you and keep posting back to let us know how your getting on?

Take Care