New here...Back in the pit...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dragonfly70, Oct 5, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hello all -

    I'm new here at SF, but not new to these feelings of despair, I'm afraid. I'm bipolar and have been fighting this illness for most of my 40 years. I am married and have two children. I became severely ill after my second child was born in 2001 and almost didn't make it. I was basically one signature away from a State Hospital. Thankfully, I was able to avoid it. To try to make an extremely long story short, my family was eventually torn apart because of my illness and I lost my kids to the state for over a year. I fought like hell to get better and eventually I was able to function outside of the hospital and even went back to work. That was seven years ago. I've still struggled with the bipolar as well as anxiety and dissociation, and was hospitalized two more times. My last hospitalization was in 2006.

    Well, I've recently become sick again and I don't think I can do this anymore.

    It's a kind of cruel joke...get better and develop a false sense of security (that whole "in remission" thing) only to have the rug pulled out from under you again. I haven't been able to work in two months and I'm not planning on going back. I am waiting for my Social Security disability to be reinstated (I'm in the US), but I am afraid. What if they decide that I'm not disabled? Thankfully, I don't have to go through the whole application process again because I've been on disability before, but they still have to approve putting me back on it.

    In the meantime, I haven't been able to pay my mortgage because it came from my paycheck. My husband's income won't cover it. We're trying to work with the bank to change the terms of our loan and bring down the payment, but they need proof of 9 months of future disability income to do it. Right now I only have 6 months (which believe me, I am thankful for). Again, to make a long story short, if I'm not approved for the disability, we lose the house.

    I can't put my family through that - we won't survive it. Everything will be in complete chaos, and it will all be my fault. My husband suffers from his own depression issues and has ADD. My older daughter has her own issues (ADD, possible Asperger's, etc). And my younger daughter? She's just trying to make her way through the day to day chaos that is our normal life. If we lose the house, all hell will break loose. I'll wind up extremely sick again and he'll say he's had enough and will end up divorcing me. (He almost did back when I was very sick in 2003.) So, for the last couple of weeks, I've been a nervous wreck, fearing the worst.

    Then I looked at my life insurance policy.

    Seems that I'm better insured than I thought I was. Enough to pay off the house, all our bills, my final expenses and still leave him $100K in the bank.

    And they'll pay even if it's a suicide.

    So, here I am, trying to find something to hold on to. Because the thing that really sucks this that I don't want to die. I really don't. I've been through hell and back, done almost every therapy you can name, had so many med changes, electroshock, etc. It's truly a miracle that I've made it to 40. But then I feel like I'm on borrowed time, and it's going to happen eventually anyway, so why put them through all the financial upheaval if I'm just going to do it anyway? Maybe not now...but 5, maybe 10 years? No matter how well I become again, I will also get sick again. And again. And again. The cycle will continue for as long as I live. I truly believe that, someday, my children will lose their mother to suicide. Chilling, but honest, I guess.

    I've attempted suicide "for them" before. I had severe post-natal depression and post-natal OCD after my younger child was born. Vivid, awful images of hurting the kids. I felt like I was a danger to them, so I had to take myself out to protect them. I am no longer a danger to them, thank God. But I cannot let my family become homeless. Since Sunday, I've been planning the how-when-where of my death. Just in case the disability answer is no.

    The part that really scares me is that today, I was thinking about doing it before we even get the answer. So I'm not a burden on them anymore.

    Sorry this is so long - thanks for listening if you've gotten this far. It's a comfort to have a place like this to voice these feelings.

  2. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Dragonfly,

    Sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. It must be difficult trying to cope with everything; your illness and the financial stress. Although it feels overwhelming right now, try and remember that you haven't had a decision re the disability benefit yet and that whatever they tell you in the first instance isn't necessarily the final answer. There are always ways to appeal or provide further medical evidence (I was originally turned down for a similar benefit but I appealed and it was overturned, it just took a couple of weeks extra).

    You've come so far from where you were a few years ago and you will come back from this again. The thing that really stood out in your post was when you wrote "I don't want to die" - although things have perhaps slipped back, you haven't slipped back to where you were before.

    I know how hard financial pressure can make things but don't let money (or lack of it) force you into suicide. Your family might be a bit better off financially but this can't equal or make up for the benefit of having you in their lives.

    Hope you're ok
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you shared with us...often times, we feel like a burden so much more than those around us consider us a burden...they would rather have the work than not have you...your children will suffer, and money cannot replace you...I hope you do get the SSI and that you have some respite...and know, you are valued and important here, and many of us related to the struggle you are going through...thank you again for posting and please continue to let us know how you are doing...big hugs, J
  4. danicarr

    danicarr Member

    Please don't underestimate how much you mean to your children, they will NEVER want you to kill yourself for them, NEVER. Money might be able to buy a house, but I know that it's my parents that make where I live home. And please don't forget how much more mature you children will be in 10 years then they are now. Therefore there is a very big difference in-between killing yourself this week or in 10 years, it's not simply a matter of "it will probably happen anyways"

    Hold tight, and I hope you get your SI
  5. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, everyone. I hope I am not sounding petty - it's about so much more than the money. I just don't think that we'd survive - it was so awful last time. Given the choice of putting them through that hell again or leaving them at least financially sound...I feel like there's only one thing I can do sometimes.

    I am okay tonight. The feelings I was having this afternoon, of thinking of doing it today, have gone. I haven't felt like that in years.

    I'll let you know how things go.
  6. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Glad you're ok tonight and hope things continue to get better for you

    Thanks for coming back and posting

    ps. You didn't sound petty at all
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to let you know I hope you get approved for disability. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I'm on the Canadian equivalent (due to be renewed next February, most nervous about that). I'm also bipolar. It's a rough disease. Very rough. It takes so much from us. Please don't give up. Are you in therapy at the moment? It might be time for some extra supports. You are certainly facing extraordinary challenges right now. Hang on!
  8. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi Dazzle (and everyone) -

    I just wrote a long reply and then lost it! :p

    Anyway...yes, I have a therapist. I told her about my potential plans today and she said we may need to start thinking about going to the hospital. Not there yet, but an option if I need it. I don't mind the hospital, but I often feel like a huge nuisance when I have to go in. We worked on my safety plan and will need to revisit some old skills I'm a little rusty at.

    Still no answer about Social Security, but I will also keep my fingers crossed.

    Thanks for listening.

  9. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone -

    Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. Still waiting on SS, but I think it will be okay. My new pdoc is awesome! We wrote up the questionnaire together and he said if I don't get it he'd "eat (his) shoes", LOL. Still feeling a lot of guilt, though. Some days, I'm feeling okay and think "why the hell aren't I at work?" - and then a lot of the other days, I can barely function. I guess it's sort of like having an injured leg and feeling okay as long as you're not putting weight on it. But, as soon as you try to walk on it too much, you fall. I guess I have a hard time accepting that I'm down for a while now. I'm coming from an industry where if you're not dead, you don't call in. Well, I guess I had to permanently call in before I ended up dead. :-o

    Anyway, in the meantime, I'm trying to do what I can. This morning was hard. I went to the local food pantry for the first time. I left with over $75 (US) in food! I just sat in my car and cried. I have an appointment in the first week of December to apply for heating fuel assistance (winters are verrrry cold here). If my SS is approved before then, then we probably won't qualify. But at least I'll have the appt if I need it. Trying to hang on and have faith that things will work out.

    Hopefully I'll know more by the end of next week.

    How is everyone else??

  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi dragonfly it's good to hear from you. keeping you in my thoughts, and hope you hear from disability soon. i'm just out of the hospital myself, a one week stay, followed by a 3 week outpatient program. feeling much better. even a little hopeful about the future. it's not easy, never will be i fear, but glad i didn't go through with my suicide plan. talk soon,

  11. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi Catherine -

    I'm very happy that you did not try to end your life. :) :) :)

    I'm glad your hospitalization helped. I actually enjoyed the two partial/intensive outpatient hospitalizations I've had. I really enjoy the groups. I wish I had a local therapy group to go to, but they're hard to come by where I am. My therapist did recommend I look into a local partial hosp program - they tend to be shorter here than the other one I've been through, but she says it will help me practice some old skills and give me some structure in my days.

    How was your inpatient stay? Did you have any med changes?

    ~ Joanne
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i've done inpatient twice since the end of august. the first time they added propranalol (for ptsd, helps with nightmares) and the second time they added wellbutrin (for depression). they are keeping a close eye on me 'cos the anti-depressants can make a bipolar person manic but it's all good so far. i'm glad they changed my meds (i'm on other stuff, too -epival and zeldox).... i think the wellbutrin is really helping.

    i think you should look into the outpatient program. i did it for structure and to brush up on my coping skills. plus i get to see my regular psychiatrist every other day, the nurse every day, whereas usually i only see my shrink every few months as she's really busy. luckily i see my therapist twice a week. she's great.

    how are your meds? thinking of switching?
  13. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi :)

    The epival (valproic acid, right?) should help stave off any mania caused by the wellbutrin. Actually, wellbutrin hasn't been shown to cause as much of the mania or cycling problems that some other antid's have. Do you chart your moods? I used to do it religiously, but haven't for a while now. I need to get back to it soon. I'm also in the middle of a med change. I'm tapering off the citalopram and adding risperidone slowly. The risperidone has caused problems with my menstrual cycles in the past, so I'm keeping an eye on that. I'm also going to be adding time with my light box soon. If I'm still feeling poorly after that, my pdoc says we could try mirtazipine next. I'm actually having a better day than I was this morning, so that's been nice. Having food in the pantry helps a lot, too. I might actually be able to cook something this evening.

    :) Joanne
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi dragonfly just read your post i hope you are well now did you get your disability back on track i hope your family is doing well. I am glad you found a good doctor to help you. that makes a big difference take care okay hugs
  15. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    In my opinion, if your children and husband were to loose you, I dont think they would feel any more sane or feel any releif.. Infact, I think since you said they all kind of have depression / other issues they would be more likely to do exactly what you would do.. Kill themselves.. So I would ask, would you rather be able to live and yes.. maybe you will have a more rough life, or die and end up possibly killing your loved ones along with you?

    Just something to think about. :)
  16. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone - Sorry I haven't been back sooner. Finally quieting down from the holidays. I wanted to let you guys know that I finally got my full disability benefits reinstated and the government has finally caught up with all the retroactive coverage as well! To say I've been a bit relieved is an understatement. We're also working with the bank in a government mortgage program to help us stay in our home. Doing better overall, but still a bit blah. Part of that is just the fact that it's winter, so I'm hanging on waiting for spring.

    Oh, to answer your question, Swift: a big part of what has kept me alive over the years is not wanting my kids to follow me. It's only when my illness puts their health/lives in jeopardy that I strongly feel that taking myself out of the picture would be best. I do know that that's the illness talking, though, and I generally do what I need to do to stay safe. Good thing to be reminded of from time to time, though.

  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the update glad things are going in your favor now You must be breathing so much easier now with your disability being reinstated and you are able to keep your home Your right your children they are the best reason to keep fighting hugs to you okay way to go
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.