New here but not new to "this".

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AllyEsu, Jul 27, 2013.

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  1. AllyEsu

    AllyEsu New Member

    I've been suicidal on and off all my adult life. Currently I am struggling with suicidal ideation and it is so hard. How do I talk about that with people? I don't, except with my therapist. Last week I was all set, with a plan and all I needed but my therapist convinced me to throw everything away (that I was planning on using) and contract with her to stay safe. Since I am also bipolar 1 my mood swing went from majorly depressed to "happy" despite not being happy inside. So yeah, now I am safe, compelled by my therapist and my mood (people with bipolar will certainly understand that last bit).

    I'm also in IOP (intensive outpatient) for anorexia. I'm completely weight restored which doesn't help with the 'thoughts'.

    I just don't understand. I mean, some would say I have an ideal life, and truly, I do have a good life and yet.... I wish I felt on the inside what my life looked like on the outside.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Sasha many here do understand I am glad to see you reaching out here a place to just post your thoughts and emotions to vent and to get support welcome to SF
  3. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I too have been weight restored from anorexia and currently suffer from bulimia and am in a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders. I also have intermittent suicidal ideation and am contracted for safety. It's a hard rough road to travel. I just wanted to reply and let you know you are not alone. Mood swings suck and I understand your concept of manic but not really happy. Hugs.
  4. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I too have Bipolar, i grew up watching my dad suffer from it as well. I can understand why you would want to end it, sometimes the only reason seems to be to avoid weeks of no sleep/food/ect. Or not getting out of bed, and the deep pain. Medicine can help, i found Aderal helped depression. Sedatives like Xanax help keep me "even" but those are addictive. Find people that will listen, keep an eye for "fair weather friends" that only stay when you're manic. Trust me.. Talk any time!
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