new here, but will be gone soon.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DerickLazell, Dec 27, 2009.

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  1. DerickLazell

    DerickLazell Member

    Hello everyone, I dont have many people to turn to because not many people care. Those who do care, dont wish to hear what im about to say, so I thought id put it here for the record so when I am gone people will know why. I have had it, im 23 years old... I have 3 kids, and a girlfriend that doesnt give a shit about me. Over the years ive made terrible choices, ive stolen from loved ones... ive used drugs... I cant keep a job because im impulsive and walk out on my job, and my children choose anyone they can over me. I cant take the pain of not having life anymore and I plan to end it, it feels like im dead already. No matter how hard I try, I am not appreciated and im just always looked down on by my whole family. Ive tried, I REALLY have and nothing I do is even good enough for me, much less everyone else. I am poor and I cant provide for my girlfriend or children any longer and im living in my mothers house, with no way out. I wanted it to happen differently but as we talk I can hear people slamming doors and my girlfriend walked in without saying hello to me. I just wish someone loved me, but they dont. Im a hard person to love because im so depressed that im just downright mean to people, but I dont know how to control it. My life is out of control with no repair, my kids deserve a real life... maybe when im gone their mother will find a good man with a good job and just tell them that he is their father, they are very young and wont know the difference. I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANY LONGER... so with that, I bid a goodbye and thanks for reading my sob story. - Derick Lazell - 23 - born 11/01/1986, will die today.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2009
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    You're only a couple of years older than me and it pains me to see you in this situation... I really wish you didn't feel this way.
    I wish that I didn't feel the same way about myself.
    I wish that no one ever felt this way about their life...

    As a daughter of a father who also made all of the wrong choices- I just want to say; please don't. We treat you badly because we're afraid. We hate seeing you do bad things because we are a reflection of you... and though we may not say it ever- we do care for you. You brought us life.

    There are many people who feel the same way, here.
    I really wish that you did not.
    Is there anything at all that I can say to convince you otherwise?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well you may be all those things. But I also see a very caring person too. You care about your children and what you are doing to them. You care about your girlfriend and hope that she finds someone else. You care about you. That is evident because you posted here.

    You dont have to be dead so that your children have a better live. You can keep trying like you have been. When you find the right combination of support, professional help and even meds if need be, you can still be a part of their lives. One of the best parts of their lives. I'm a single mom with 3 teens and a 4 year old. I have to play both mom and dad. Yes it helps, but nothing replaces the real thing. A real dad. When our kids are young we are just basically "janitors". We give them the basics and clean up after them. But when they start getting their own selves, they really need parents. Someone who has been where you are, someone that can give them honest advice about how to move forward in their lives. The rewards of being a parent become so clear as your children grow up. You dont want to miss those moments.

    Please call a crisis line or call the er and tell them what you have said here. Tell them this is your last chance at finding some help. Real help. You have kids that are depending on you making that call.

    And you have found a place where others know exactly how you fee. So turn to us for support too. You may think you have used up all your other options. But I see this is your first post here. How do you know that someone here may not have an answer or an option you didnt think of before? Can you please keep posting? Get out all that you cant in real life. You can talk here. You can share all the ugly things that others dont want to know or hear. Please give this a chance. Then after you have tried, you can say you gave it all you could. But for now please post some more. If for no other reason than to clear your conscienous.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    PLEASE don't go through with it. You've reached out here, give us a chance to help, or to become your friends. It doesn't have to end this way. :hug:
  5. DerickLazell

    DerickLazell Member

    thank you guys for your support, its good to see that someone cares, unfortunately I see no other way but to finish what ive started. Even if I did try to fix all the wrong ive done id still be an uneducated drug dependant that is looked down on by his whole family. I was suppose to marry this girlfriend of mine, and I dont think she knows that I plan to take my own life. Im afraid if I keep posting here that it will talk me out of what I plan to do, and then I will be still stuck in my depression... yet I cant stop reading what you guys have said to me because its hard to believe someone said something to me besides "stop crying" or "you arent going to kill yourself, your stressing me out"

    Thank you all for being there for me, but I dont know what to do if I dont suicide... im stuck in an endless loop of depression. The moment I get a little bit of happiness its always shot down 10 fold.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please keep trying, keep talking. It doesn't have to be this way. Even if you can't change everything that's happened in the past, you can take steps to change your future and mold it into something you're happy with.

    At least give it some thought, don't give up on life. :hug: And if you ever feel like talking, my PM box is always open.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So then dont try to fix it. Somethings arent meant to be fixed. Instead learn from them and move on. And I'd say from reading your post that you have already learned from them. You're sorry they happened and that's proof enough for me. You're still young. There are so many government sponsored programs for continuing education, job training and placement, pdocs, therapists etc. Take today to give your head a good shake, really read and think about the words others and myself are sharing with you. Then tomorrow get out the phone book and start dialing. If you can even try a little it will do so much to help pick you up!!! And dont be let down if you dont find the answers you're looking for right away. It didnt take just overnight or one day for you to get where you are. So it will take some time to get where you want to be too! As for family...... you cant change them. But I really think that if they see you making the effort to try and change your situation a little they will also see the you that I see in your posts. Someone who is lost but trying to find his way.

    Then let her know. Hun if you are going to marry someone it is a give and take situation. Let her give and you take. Then your day will come to give and let her take. Let her talk to you, let her tell you how she feels. How do you know that she doenst have the magic words to make you see things differently? You're getting married. That means that you love each other. That you want to be there and do things for one another. I think you need to tell her. If you cant be honest with this woman then you shouldnt be getting married. Sorry blunt, but true. She is the person you want to share a life with. So why not give her and yourself the chance to have that life?

    You go back to the beginning of this very long winded (lol) reply. You try and find the help you DESERVE!!! I'm glad you found SF. Up til now you saw no other way. Now from what I'm reading a teeny little bit of maybe hope has worked it's way in? Keep posting. I'm willing to help anyway I can and so are so many others. You DESERVE to be helped and not to battle this alone. Those two things I can guarantee you now have. Help and others so that you know you are no longer alone with your problems and pain. So now lets see what other things can be guaranteed?
  8. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I am not trying to talk you out. You want to do IT, it's your choice.
    I am going to do IT myself pretty soon. The difference between us is that I am looking for the way out and you are looking for the way in.
    Anyway, once you are a father your life does not belong to you any longer. Your life belongs to your kids until they are out of your house, period. All people here knows how you feel. The pain can be unbearable but it will not go away when you kill yourself. The pain will be transferred into your kids and people who loves you and from this point it will never go away.
  9. DerickLazell

    DerickLazell Member

    So I didnt do it, and today I find out my girlfriend is actually telling people she is single and is making me to look like a monster. Every time I get a step forward I get pushed back. Now the only person I even had in my life is leaving me and isnt interested in me, my kids will be taken by her, and I now sit more alone than ever, wondering why life is worth living?? This is pointless and hopeless but I just cant go through with it, I need someone to either do it for me or fix it all WHICH THEY CANT! Im so useless that I cant even do something that will end my pain for me. Is there anyone there who can just help? I am so damn alone in this world, and cant do anything to get my life back as im already dead inside
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: You don't have to go through it alone.
    I'll be around if you want to talk.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree that you are young..If your girlfriend walks out then you can get joint custody of your kids.. Be in there life..Your influence will go along way with them..That is the one regret I have in my life, that I wasn't there for my daughter..Her mom moved to New York and I didn't see my daughter for years..Once I was able to get her for the summers it was to late.. Her mother had poisoned her in the way she thought about me..She is 27 now and is finding out how much I loved her..I have an 8 year old grandaughter and I show her my love every chance I get..So be there for your kids they will need that influence in there lives.. You have friends here who care and you can PM any of us to ask for more help..Please put those ideas out of your mind.. Try and clean yourself up off the drugs and find a job..If nothing else it will help your self esteem..I did drugs for 31 years and finally grew out of using them..Don't wait that long.. Start now.. Just so you know we care!!
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