new here feel as though i want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Desmond, Feb 15, 2010.

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  1. Desmond

    Desmond Member

    I feel really trapped in myself, little contact with outside world and not sure what to do, so lonely although i dont want to talk to others, no job as cant get work feel really helpless and have hurt myself in frustration. I cant cope with myself and being like me anymore (im autistic). Im sorry if im going on not sure what to say. Just feel so low and nothing will help me and noone, have tried so often yet i get nothing. really hope someone replys just feel so lonely. if killing yourself wasnt so scary i would have been dead by now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2010
  2. twistedwhispers

    twistedwhispers Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome! I am sorry it is under these circumstances but I am glad
    you are here. I am semi new & found this to be a wonderful group of
    people. I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

    Hopefully it will make it less "hard" knowing that there are people
    here who do know how you feel. In some ways. I know it's helped me.

    I like that I can vent how I feel.......Sometimes that's all I need, not
    someone to agree with me or even know how I feel. Just someone to
    acknowledge that I am feeling that way..........

    Hope this makes sense. I do tend to ramble when given a chance.
  3. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I too feel trapped within myself and have a hard time even finding the words to describe just how terrible my life is. I don't want to be around anyone else and usually have to force myself just to be around my own family. I've done so many things over the years to hurt myself, but the scars only show within my own mind. I feel that nobody would understand the pain I'm going through every day, even if I wrote them a book about it. Hang in there, as long as you're here, you're not alone. And yes, dying is scary, which is probably why I didn't take my own life a long time ago.
  4. Desmond

    Desmond Member

    Thank you. Im not even sure if this is the reason i feel so down its simply what is in my head right now. I do feel as though no one acknowledges how i feel in my life. It does make sense. Im just struggling with what to do. Like the amount of times i hurt myself physically is getting too much and its not doing enough for me to get help or for people to notice which i think is what i want and at least try a little. I simply dont know. Life is so confusing and difficult. Im sorry for coming here and simply being needy.
  5. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    You're not being too needy, not for this forum, and there are a lot of people here who have hurt themselves physically time and time again only to see that people still do not pay attention to them or still don't know what is going on in their lives. Try to write more about your situation and maybe you will be able to see for yourself what is making you feel this way. Sometimes I have no idea why I feel so hopeless, I just do, until I write something that surprises myself. Keep posting. Keep in contact with us here. Write about everything, or anything you want, whether you feel you are writing to us or somebody else, nobody knows the difference. Most importantly, nobody on this site is going to judge you as being too needy, or selfish, or as anything else.

    If you need some ideas on where to start: What kinds of things are you doing to hurt yourself physically? What is your living situation like? Alone? Parents? Just find something to write about and post it, keep sharing it with us. You have to believe me when I say it helps to share.

  6. Desmond

    Desmond Member

    I live with my dad. My mum lives abroad although used to live with her in UK. I scratch myself, cut myself as in arms and legs and chest and back, hit myself with spanners, bang my head. I end up with bruises. Im autistic so struggle socially. Like i can make friends yet they always leave cause of my personality and i dont really keep up friendship cause i dont want to. I cant get a job at all have tried yet no chance. So scared about having no future i know what i want yet i dont/cant do it. I try to make myself happier with things around me or comfort eating yet nothing helps i just cant control getting extremely down. I get frustrated so often cause of how i feel and state im in and i hurt myself more then. Ive tried to get help yet i jsut get refused or sent away and that just takes away any little amount of hope i had before i went.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey glad you reached out here because people care here won't judge you
    either. Keep posting okay talk on chat make friends here okay
  8. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    I don't say this often, or actually ever, but it seems like you've got alot more on your plate than most people. I am not autistic and still have a hard time making friends and usually find myself not wanting to keep them around. For some reason, to me, friends always either seem to disappoint me or misunderstand me at some point creating distance between us that eventually fades to nothing. I hate giving my opinion on something or advice but having steady work does not equal having a future. The way I measure my life is how much I am able to reach out and help somebody else in my situation with either a sympathetic ear or a few words that show I understand. You actually did that today writing on this forum about yourself. I feel like I am almost in the same situation as you, although the things I did to hurt myself, such as drug abuse, can only be seen on the inside. I have no job right now and never feel as if I will ever get another one the way my thinking has been. You really helped me a lot to show me that there is somebody out there who knows how bad life can really be for somebody all locked up inside of himself with nowhere to go. We can't solve each other's problems here, but I'm hoping against hope that you do realize that your situation is similar to this 33 year old registered nurse who was pretty sure he was going to take his own life tonight. Also, every time I go into the hospital, or see my own doctor about my problems it feels as if it took more out of me than I gained. Like I was looking for secret information that nobody was telling me about what was missing from my life and just being denied every single time. All I can advise is to keep writing, you may discover that there is more of a point to your life than you ever thought possible.
  9. Desmond

    Desmond Member

    Im pleased i helped i defo believe taht would be something id like to do. Like geniuinely give up my life completely to help others may make me happy. I have thought about drink and drugs just simply autisim makes you want to be in control continously and id be scared i wouldnt be. It makes me feel in some sense better because someone else knows how i feel. I cant cope with this not knowing how to express how down i am to others in my life so that they actually understand. im not sure what i have to do to get help from doctors other than scream and shout. I am really pleased and happy somewhere in my head that i have helped show you something even if my message isnt very positive.

    Got to say im a touch nervous about going on chat at the mo not sure what to say etc.

    Ps i do understand you issue with friends i feel that i just dont understand others and they get annoyed at that so i dont bother or i simply dont unbderstand or like them straight away. This happens mainly with my family too thats why they live so far apart i was desperate for my mum to move abroad as i couldnt cope with living with her anymore, (i ran away many times with her which ive been able to control more now). Although she still harrasses me by text and home phoning.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2010
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