I've had suicidal thoughts since my teenage years, but lately, it's been every few weeks. It gets worse during the holidays because my family has cast me out for no good reason. My mother has been psychologically abusive to me my whole life and I've had several people confirm this for me (I was in denial that a mother could be so callous to her child). I've gone out of my way for them, even providing for my little sister's college education, yet I've been thrown away. My husband guilt trips me into pampering him day in and day out because I'm currently unemployed. By his attitude if I'm not earning money all the time, I'm worthless, even though I'm doing National Guard duty to fill my down time. I really have no hopes for the future and all my old goals feel useless and no longer appealing. I don't really see any point to going on with this charade. I either want to die or disappear. I'm sick of having to shape my life around my husband's because he will be joining the military again soon. I just wonder if he's worth it. But at the same time, I guess I don't want to be the "bad guy" by ending things on my terms..... It's not all about him though. I just don't see a point to living at all anymore. I can't find where I fit or what to live for. I'm not religious, I don't want kids, I don't feel like human life matters in the big picture of the universe anyways, there's no cause that I feel like putting myself out there for or that I feel I could make a difference in, etc....... It's not a short-term feeling, it's a deep down gut feeling that I just don't care to be alive anymore. Does anyone else feel this way?