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New Here, Have Questions and Want to Vent

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mentiscreatio, Nov 30, 2014.

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  1. mentiscreatio

    mentiscreatio New Member

    I have suffered from severe depression for essentially my entire life, it (the difficulty getting out of bed, completing tasks, difficulty faking happiness, etc) comes and goes in waves..some longer than others, but I have always, consistently wanted to no longer exist here on earth. I first tried to kill myself in 2nd grade, I am now 25. I've tried several times when I was young and too stupid to know how, but as I've gotten older I have realized I can't do it anymore no matter how badly I want to because it would hurt my family too much. Which seems really unfair to me, because I never asked for this or for them to care about me. Anyways..I am going through a particularly bad bout right now and it interfering with my life in major ways. All I can think about is how badly I want to die and I envision/daydream of all the ways that I could commit suicide, stage an accident or be diagnosed with some terminal illness. It's affecting everyday tasks that I already have to force myself to complete since I don't want to leave my bed at all. I've been browsing the internet for days trying to find a little explanation or just anyone who feels the way I do and I can't find anything. Every website and article I have read talks about having some problem that can be resolved (ie. relationship, money, etc) -telling people it will get better....that is not the case for me. Essentially, everything in my life is as perfect as it can be.. except for the facts that I don't like life, I don't like people, I don't like society, I don't like this planet, and I don't want to be here. I don't know why I feel the way that I do, but I always have. Like I just don't belong here and I never did. I have a good life, a perfect relationship, loving family, more than enough money, education, job, two dogs, a nice vehicle that's paid off, I take vacations....I don't understand why I hate life so much. I have never been happy, I am not sure what that even means. I am pretty good at faking it though, I think. Except for when the depression gets bad (like now), then I am completely incapable of faking it anymore, which interferes with life and my interactions with people. I just don't understand why I want to die so badly. I've never wanted anything like I want death. So, I guess I am just wondering if anyone out there feels this way to. Are there any thought cycles to follow that may help? Anything at all? It really sucks living this way everyday knowing I can't do anything about it because I care about my family's feelings too much. I just keep praying that I will get cancer or a brain tumor...or in some accident and then I won't have to feel guilty. I've even considered that the guilt thing is just some sort of subconscious cop out because I am too scared to do it...but after years of contemplation I am pretty sure that it is genuine. Anyone else always felt this way or similar? If so, how the hell do you make it through day to day living (work,school,errands,etc) while dealing with it?
  2. phaz

    phaz Member

    Hi mentiscreatio,

    First, I would like to say, you are not alone in your thoughts.
    I'm also happy to read that you are actively looking online, and doing research to better understand your current state of mind. I think you may find many people with similar (but not exactly the same) issues, while continuing your research!
    Talking to people about our issues is no cure, far from it. But it certainly is a powerful tool to take some of the emotional weight off our shoulders, as long as you have the right person(s) to LISTEN.

    One thing that helps me, is helping others. We can battle depression together, not alone.

    Send me a PM if you ever need someone to speak to ASAP. I will be here for you.
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    You're not alone. I suffer really bad mentally, from Schizophrenia I think. I just can't believe something so terrible could have happened to me. I used to be really sucessful and happy. How do I get through each day? I suffer through them because I have to. I don't have to work anymore, but still do errands around town. I'm not brave enough to suicide. Each day is a nightmare and I am also tormented in my sleep. I'm sorry that you are suffering. Nobody should have to suffer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2014
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    tried therapy?
  5. mentiscreatio

    mentiscreatio New Member

    I appreciate the responses, thank you all. I have tried therapy, but it never was much help because I think my problem is purely biochemical. I don't have any emotional or life problems. I never wanted to take anti-depressants because I am a real freak about drugs/medicine in my body. I won't even take tylenol when I have migraines. However I got really desperate and I am on my 2nd week of Wellbutrin XL. The first week seemed to help, I went from thinking about suicide every second of the day to only about 3/4 times a day. But, now it is back to normal and I don't know what to do anymore. I have a follow up appointment in two days. I think that I may have a brain tumor but no one takes me seriously. I have every sign and symptom, though, and just this gut feeling that I've had for years. I am failing out of college in my senior year when I was an honor student, I'm about to lose my job...I can't leave my house for overwhelming fear of breaking down in front of everyone. I just feel helpless and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be this way anymore. I wish no one ever had to feel like this.
  6. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Therapy hasn't helped me either, but I still go anyway. You seem to have a lot of the same types of feelings as I do. Mine is mostly from the confusion that I feel though. If you think that you have a brain tumor, you can get a CT Scan. I got one a few years ago.
  7. phaz

    phaz Member

    Give the medication a few more weeks. It usually takes about a month before it starts showing it's efficacy.
    Also, IMO there's nothing inherently wrong about taking medication to alleviate ones pain. Actually, we've been doing so for thousand of years, in our prehistory.
    It's important you be honest with your doctor, and express all of your concerns to him.
    Just take things one step at a time.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Could you thinking you have a brain tumor be the side effects of the anti depressants. I'm unsure of how long you have been thinking you have a brain tumor for but anti depressants and medicines alike can have scary side effects such as brain zaps and other strange feelings.

    You have been on the medications for 2 weeks, these medications can take up to 6 weeks to be fully working and even then they may need tweaking again, medication takes time.

    I would discuss all of this with your physician when you next see them.

    Wish you all the luck in the world also welcome to the forums, there's also a chat room here if you want to talk in real time.
  9. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    Agree with you on all these nuisance articles about "it will get better, there is a silver lining to everthing, blah blah". You hear it that much that it gives you headaches. A week ago I came here and it is nice knowing you are not alone. It's also nice to get things off your chest here. People will listen and respond to you. It really does help. And your new meds will take a few weeks to kick in so hang in there.

    I'm Nick and it is nice to meet you. :)
  10. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    I constantly get migraines. Went the doctors to hopefully check that I am all fine but he just gave me stronger painkillers. I've looked up the symptons of head tumours and I tick a few of the boxes as well. They're just useless the doctors.
  11. maries

    maries Active Member

    You're not alone with your thoughts. For me, I've just gotten angrier & angrier at how I've let it go too long. A couple of years ago,it got really bad &I couldn't stop the thoughts anymore, and it scared me. Long story short, I changed my environment, got away from the toxic things in my life & decided to survive. I dealt with the thoughts by thinking of things that would make me happy, usually being someone else. But once I decided to survive, the thoughts don't come too often. You just gotta decide what you want to live for. It makes faking a little easier & sometimes you might not be faking at all. It's not really full proof, but it does help me get through the day now.
  12. phaz

    phaz Member

    Not always. Remember, doctors are just people too.
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