I have suffered from severe depression for essentially my entire life, it (the difficulty getting out of bed, completing tasks, difficulty faking happiness, etc) comes and goes in waves..some longer than others, but I have always, consistently wanted to no longer exist here on earth. I first tried to kill myself in 2nd grade, I am now 25. I've tried several times when I was young and too stupid to know how, but as I've gotten older I have realized I can't do it anymore no matter how badly I want to because it would hurt my family too much. Which seems really unfair to me, because I never asked for this or for them to care about me. Anyways..I am going through a particularly bad bout right now and it interfering with my life in major ways. All I can think about is how badly I want to die and I envision/daydream of all the ways that I could commit suicide, stage an accident or be diagnosed with some terminal illness. It's affecting everyday tasks that I already have to force myself to complete since I don't want to leave my bed at all. I've been browsing the internet for days trying to find a little explanation or just anyone who feels the way I do and I can't find anything. Every website and article I have read talks about having some problem that can be resolved (ie. relationship, money, etc) -telling people it will get better....that is not the case for me. Essentially, everything in my life is as perfect as it can be.. except for the facts that I don't like life, I don't like people, I don't like society, I don't like this planet, and I don't want to be here. I don't know why I feel the way that I do, but I always have. Like I just don't belong here and I never did. I have a good life, a perfect relationship, loving family, more than enough money, education, job, two dogs, a nice vehicle that's paid off, I take vacations....I don't understand why I hate life so much. I have never been happy, I am not sure what that even means. I am pretty good at faking it though, I think. Except for when the depression gets bad (like now), then I am completely incapable of faking it anymore, which interferes with life and my interactions with people. I just don't understand why I want to die so badly. I've never wanted anything like I want death. So, I guess I am just wondering if anyone out there feels this way to. Are there any thought cycles to follow that may help? Anything at all? It really sucks living this way everyday knowing I can't do anything about it because I care about my family's feelings too much. I just keep praying that I will get cancer or a brain tumor...or in some accident and then I won't have to feel guilty. I've even considered that the guilt thing is just some sort of subconscious cop out because I am too scared to do it...but after years of contemplation I am pretty sure that it is genuine. Anyone else always felt this way or similar? If so, how the hell do you make it through day to day living (work,school,errands,etc) while dealing with it?