New Here. Incredibly Lonely.

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I'm new to this forum.

I'm 24 years old and I feel like I've had my life turned upside down. Nothing in life is permanent, the only permanent things I've noticed are the concept of love and death. That's it.

I've been cursed by mental demons that couple up with an extreme sense of idealism. There are counselors who have suspected that I am Aspergers. I've had ADHD since childhood, but unlike many people with ADHD I am nowhere near outgoing. I have this painful inability to verbally communicate with others. It's like I have a ton of thoughts form in my head, but when I communicate it goes through this static line and I never say what I intend to say.

I've ruined many friendships and various relationships this way with people that can't seem to understand me. I had a promising career in music that I threw away when I couldn't get along with an old college flute teacher due to my own arrogance. I've pushed many friendships away and I got fired from a job that I loved.

I have a boyfriend, and we have an amazing relationship. We've dated since 2003 with promise to get married. Sometimes I feel like he deserves better than me but he's just as stubborn as I am.

I'm unemployed and I made some horrible financial mistakes in my past. I have lots of debt and my credit has been demolished. I've been applying for jobs like crazy, but a bad credit score coupled with a lack of experience makes it difficult. I've sent out probably 10 applications or so, only call backs on one of them. I didn't get the job on the basis that I'm not aggressive enough to handle a position of authority. My passive, peaceful stance made me a target of some pretty cruel bullies when I was in grade school.

My family has been through five funerals in the past three years - all four of my grandparents and a cousin that died from Leukemia. The last death that I dealt with, the sudden death of my grandmother whom I loved dearly, sent me over the edge. I can't put them through another one, and yet the pain of isolation puts the thought in me to join my grandmother, and it's been getting worse recently.

Sorry for the novel. This is my introduction.
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