New here. Know I need help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Survivor987, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    hi. Not doing so well. Depressed for 2 years or so. Just getting progressively worse. Suicidal for a while. Really serious research tonight on methods and which are the most effective. God bless Google eh!!
    Have sought help from doctor. That was 6 weeks ago. No 'talking therapy' available yet. Reached the exhausted point. No one else cares or understands.
    Wow I sound charming - guess you'd actively seek ME out at a party
     
  2. curlyq

    curlyq Active Member

    I'm so sorry you feel this way! If it helps, I'm in a similar situation..I've been progressively more and more depressed for the past year and a half or so, and found these forums after searching for methods. There are definitely people (like myself) who care about you and understand!
     
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  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    There are no crisis lines for you to call?
     
  4. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome. There are people here who care. Most if not all of us have been at that exhausted stage.

    Maybe tell us more of your situation and we can brainstorm ideas and then we can have a better idea of how to offer help.
     
    Survivor987 likes this.
  5. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    Thank you for reaching out.

    Perhaps more information on where I am may help.

    So, i don't see the point in living. I'm not religious so when you die you die and that's it. You are simply a name on a headstone that within one generation is forgotten. I'm guessing the basic point is to reproduce to ensure the survival of the species.

    So what can be the point in life other than reproduction? When you really break it down it seems to just be hedonism. Doing things that give you pleasure (or why else would you do them?) or doing things to enable you to do something pleasurable eg work to pay for something. So when you don't feel any pleasure in doing anything then what is the point?

    Although having read other people's stories on here I can at least see that there are people on here who understand. And that gives me a level of reassurance i have found somewhere i may belong. However, The only abusive person in my life is me and you'd pretty much say my life was perfect from the outside so perhaps I don't belong here either?

    I am considering suicide because I don't want every day to be the same turgid repetition of distraction techniques. Filling my day with things that stop me feeling quite as cr*p or take my mind off feeling cr*p. Whoop whoop what a great life that is. No. It's pointless.

    I want the numbness/blackness to go away. I want to stop pretending I'm ok when all I am doing is acting to everyone else. It's exhausting. And falling asleep and never waking up seems like bliss. I know that's idealised as most suicide methods are extremely painful. But I just want to stop. I'm tired of the struggle. Worn out by getting through the day knowing that when I go to sleep I've got it all to do again tomorrow.
     
  6. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I understand completely. I am also an atheist like you. I invite you to read my story below in green, and get an idea of what I have been through. I wish I would not wake up ever again and be free of this pain and suffering I must endure.

    The only thing keeping me going is my girl. Without her, I have nothing.
     
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  7. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    I have felt that same numbness and desire to end it all. It is like a never ending cycle, am I right? You can never get out of that cycle! At least that is how it is for me. I have been through so many cycles of depression and suicidal thoughts that I no longer can think of new coping skills to use. None of the ones that I have work. I know what it can be like to not want to trudge on. I get it maybe not completely but I get a lot of it. Know that we are here for you and anything you need. Feel free to PM/IM me any time!
     
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  8. Enfys2824

    Enfys2824 Member

    [QUOTE="Survivor987, post: 1466093, member: 31954
    .....So what can be the point in life other than reproduction? When you really break it down it seems to just be hedonism. Doing things that give you pleasure (or why else would you do them?) or doing things to enable you to do something pleasurable eg work to pay for something. So when you don't feel any pleasure in doing anything then what is the point?

    ...I am considering suicide because I don't want every day to be the same turgid repetition of distraction techniques. Filling my day with things that stop me feeling quite as cr*p or take my mind off feeling cr*p. Whoop whoop what a great life that is. No. It's pointless.

    I want the numbness/blackness to go away. I want to stop pretending I'm ok when all I am doing is acting to everyone else. It's exhausting. And falling asleep and never waking up seems like bliss. I know that's idealised as most suicide methods are extremely painful. But I just want to stop. I'm tired of the struggle. Worn out by getting through the day knowing that when I go to sleep I've got it all to do again tomorrow.[/QUOTE]

    A similar question goes through my mind Survivor987, if you don't reproduce, 'what is the point'?
    I too am trying to find a way out of the darkness.... still looking, haven't found it yet. At the moment, life is little more than 'maintenance' and I dread waking up each day to more of the same.

    Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.
    Kind thoughts.
    E.
     
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  9. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    Thank you moxman it is comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling like this although I would not wish feeling like this on anyone.
     
  10. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    Thank you Briezy it helps to know that someone else "gets it". I go to CBT for the first time,tomorrow to try and learn some coping skills - still doesn't address the underlying issue though. Open mind.
     
  11. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    A similar question goes through my mind Survivor987, if you don't reproduce, 'what is the point'?
    I too am trying to find a way out of the darkness.... still looking, haven't found it yet. At the moment, life is little more than 'maintenance' and I dread waking up each day to more of the same.

    Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.
    Kind thoughts.
    E.[/QUOTE]
    Thanks Enfys2824. Strangely comforting that there are other people with the same feelings and thoughts. Thank you for reaching out and taking the time to comment. I hope we both find a way to one,day way up and look forward to the new day.
     
  12. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    I am so proud of you that you are going in with an open mind. That is the biggest thing. If you think something won't work it probably won't. I have found that coping skills are really helpful if I use them at the first signs of trouble because then they usually make things less bad. Let me know how it goes!
     
  13. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    Thanks Briezy. Turned out to be ANOTHER assessment (third one!!??) not a session. I think they get quite panicked when you calmly talk about suicidal thoughts. Although the lady was really nice I didn't come away with anything constructive. She has to talk to her supervisor. They're not sure whether to refer me up to next level up. I shall continue with my 'mind over mood' book until some external help arrives. So glad I found this forum. At least I know I'm not alone. X
     
    Briezy likes this.
  14. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have had similar experiences with what you had. Suicide is such a big taboo in our culture. When they hear the "S" word, everyone tends to freak the fuck out. A lot of people are just ignorant about suicide and you mention that is how you feel, they have no clue what to do, besides panic. I have been through two different suicidal stages in my life. The first was 1995, I was extremely sick and almost died a couple of times; I was on so much medication it would make your head spin. A lot of stuff I had been holding inside of me came pouring out, needless to say I was a mess. I told my brother I was suicidal, he looked at me I had grown another head. He told his mom, and it was never brought up again. So I am feeling this way , and no wants to talk about it. No one was taking me to see a psychiatrist and getting additional meds. About 6 months ago, I started becoming suicidal again, for a lot of different reasons. My psychiatrist told my dad, I was suicidal. My dad picked me up, I wasn't safe to drive, and never said a word about it.

    Have you read my story below in green, to see what all I have been through.
     
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  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, you most certainly are not alone in your thoughts, I can see you're not up to taking medicines or using distraction techniques so what about therapy? Would you be open to getting a counsellor? Does talking here help? I am glad google brought you here instead of bringing you to a horrible place and I hope that you decide to stay here with us and talk things through, we're here to support you. Best of luck in your journey to recovery!
     
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  16. Survivor987

    Survivor987 Member

    Petal I am willing to try any type of counselling or therapy. Just wish I could access it. I use distraction techniques everyday to stop myself slipping into that black hole. I've never been fitter or in better shape physically than I am now as my distraction is the gym. Which is so ironic as my head is the place that's unfit.
     
  17. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Being physically fit and not mentally fit feels like such a contradiction, because I've always heard that they are so interconnected: one being health means the other will be healthy. It's a inextricable bond between body and mind, mind and body. I definitely feel you about that. When I worked out in the past I actually used to get majorly depressed during my workouts, maybe I was over exercising but it felt like the worst. My days were repetitive for so long, that and I don't want to 'reproduce' either, but life is what you make it not what society tells you ought to live it. I don't want kids, doesn't mean my life is pointless. I can at least enjoy what I get out of it, and have a self appointed purpose. You can too.