new boyfriend killed himself 2 months ago

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by SoulBee, Oct 15, 2007.

  1. SoulBee

    SoulBee Member

    my boyfriend killed himself two months and 3 days ago. i knew he was sick, and he was pulling away from me, making it very difficult to help him; i was depressed as well. i tried contacting his family the week before he died. they had so much money and i said they needed to do SOMETHING because i couldn't help anymore. ironically, 2 days before he died we had the most fun we'd had in a long time. he seemed so happy and normal again and it boosted my spirits and made me think that maybe we could make this work after all, that i was blowing things up in my mind, he wasn't as ill as I'd been perceiving. well.
    the next night he was very very low, said he had had a bad dream that made him worry about the people he loved. i found out later that during the day he'd walked to a local gas station and bought a gas can and a packet of razor blades but left them on the counter after paying. we talked late at night and he said he needed to be alone to think things over and figure out the dream. he wouldn't tell me anything more about it. his cell phone was out of minutes and he got sort of irritated that i'd added more minutes to it for him over the internet. but he said he loved me and we planned to meet for tea the next day. he was supposed to call. he did, but hung up when i answered. i figured he was on his own trip and had heard from a friend that he'd been seen sitting by the river near his house, meditating and looking quite satisfied with himself and happy (he was buddhist).
    then that night my mother called from her house in a town 15 miles away and said i had to come over right away, that she was sick and needed my help. I freaked out and drove up immediately, worried that there was something majorly wrong. when i got there, my best friend was already there, as was my mom's neighbor, a nurse practitioner. they said nate killed himself, that his family had had the police contact my mom instead of me so i wouldn't be alone when i found out. my mom said she didnt' know how he did it, but i found out the next morning; my best friend took me home and in the morning we got breakfast at a local place; i was on a lot of xanax and totally in shock and there were newspapers lying around. my friend grabbed one away from me and i knew it would tell me the story. we went home and my friend told me he knew how nate had done it, but they hadn't wanted to tell me the whole thing at once because it was so messed up.[description below stop reading if you want]
    my boyfriend went back to the gas station about an hour after he'd called and hung up on me. He bought another gas can, filled it with gas, paid for it, walked about halfway back to his house, sat on the pavement looking towards the water in the lotus position, <mod eidt: bunny - methods>. He didn't move from the lotus position the entire time, and he didn't make a sound, even after bystanders and locals had put him out using hoses, fire extinguishers, and coolers full of water. Someone asked him if he was okay (weird question in my mind because he was burned on 100% of his body) and...he said "Yes, I am just fine." Someone asked him his name and he said he told them his name in a clear voice. Before he died, he said he was at peace. over and over again he said this, I've been told. Where do I go with this? We were supposed to get tea at the Bagel Caboose and take it out to the airfield so I could take some pictures and instead he lit himself on fire and offered his earthly form to buddha. I'm threeways conflicted now. I knew he was mentally ill, and I knew he was buddhist, but I didn't think of him in either of those ways on any regular basis, and now he's either poster child for buddhist sacrifice or the failure of the mental health system and I miss my beautiful boyfriend. the things that gave me comfort, like the buddhist thing, when it first happened, have faded and i've "remembered" that i don't believe in god, and now i don't know what to do. i'm getting mental health help but i feel like we've reached an impasse. i miss him every second of every day and i'm so confused. it's only been 2 months but most people act like i should be "better" by now, when i feel like i'm barely holding it together.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2007
  2. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Let me be the first to respond...but also the first who has to say: I don't have words for you at present, forgive...

    But please, I want to assure you that today and the days that follow, when I sit in meditation, I will send you all my metta, may you be at ease, may you again capture and develop your happiness...Tender thoughts for your grief.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    Of course you aren't over it, two months is no time at all and the grieving process takes it own good time.
    At some point you will feel incredibly angry and this is perfectly normal.
    Don't let anyone tell you how long you should grieve, cry and rail at the world, you lost someone precious :hug:
  4. nowill2live

    nowill2live Member

    the pain you're going through is one I've never experienced before but I imagine it hurts like nothing you've ever felt before

    if you loved him with all your heart then it will hurt forever. it will eventually get better but you will always miss and think about him. back when I was suicidal all I needed was someone to love me like the way you loved him, but apprantly that wasn't enough for him so that means he had other problems

    move on with your life. keep him in your heart but don't let him overtake your whole life. I'm sure he would have wanted you to have been happy and not sad over his passing.

    I wish you all the best and may God give you happiness and peace like he's given me