New Here - My First Post

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Lymantria, Feb 26, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lymantria

    Lymantria Member

    So, I've never joined any kind of support group before. I think that doing this is a big step for me. I'm not sure exactly what to write, so I'll just let it flow for a bit and see how it goes...

    I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a child and I come from a long family history of mental illness, substance abuse, suicide, etc. I've attempted suicide, been hospitalized, seen doctors and therapists, been on a dozen different medications, etc. It's like a curse and sometimes it's really felt like hell. Over the past few years I've worked very hard to drag myself out of that hell. I really felt as if my life had changed for the better. I was healthy, had a comfortable home, a loving husband, some adorable house pets... Well, I still have most of that... The trouble is that a few months ago, in Nov. 2012 to be precise, I suddenly became mysteriously and awfully ill. The symptoms were crazy and frightening. I won't list them all, because there have been many that have come and gone, but I think that the worst has been the pain. It's a very real physical pain that has been constant but has varied in intensity for the last few months. At times the pain was so bad that I was terrified that I had some horrible disease and that I would certainly die. I felt like I didn't want to die. My life was going too well to end like that. I made a firm decision to find out what the problem was and fix it. I began seeing doctors and having tests run. I put myself on a very strict, super-healthy diet and took multi-vitamins. I exercised and meditated every day. I felt like I was doing everything right, but the pain persisted, and my doctors were baffled.

    Now, months later, the pain is still there. To make it worse, my husband is gone. He has to travel overseas for extended periods of time and I won't see him again until Aug. 2013. My family is hundreds of miles away, and I've always been an introvert. I have a hard time relating to others. I'm just socially awkward and I have no friends here. I'm literally in this house alone all the time. The pain has seriously affected my ability to enjoy life. I feel bitter all the time. When I see people who are healthy, I feel jealous. Just a couple of months ago, I was so utterly horrified at the idea of dying that I was having daily panic attacks, but now I feel as if I cannot live with this pain anymore. I was always active. I enjoyed being outdoors, hiking, exploring, traveling. I can't do any of that now. The worst is that I still don't know what is causing this pain. The panic attacks have stopped and I feel sort of... resigned. I just feel so tired. I feel as if I want to sleep forever. I cannot talk to my husband about these things because he is so far away. He will worry. I find myself wondering if he will understand if I commit suicide.

    Now it's become a bit of an obsession of mine... ending this pain. It's like a headache that won't go away. I feel like I've lived two lives - my life before I got sick, now my life after I got sick. And I feel ridiculous for even thinking of suicide. It isn't as if I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I'm not paralyzed. I just want my life to be as it was before all this started, and if I can't have that back, then I don't see any reason to be here anymore. I suppose I've always been an "all or nothing" sort of person.

    It's been a long time since I've been depressed like this. I do still have some hope, but it's difficult. I feel like I'm drowning, fighting to stay above the water. I joined this group in hopes that I could share some of this that I can't share with others in my life, that I could connect with others who know what this feels like so maybe I don't feel so utterly alone.

    I apologize for this extremely long rant, but all this has needed to come out. Thanks for reading.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hi Lymantria, and welcome to SF. Don't worry about a long post, sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, and there is nothing wrong with that. I've known to write even longer posts myself, and sometimes it does help to just let it all out. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've been experiencing--I hope the doctors will be able to figure out precisely what is causing it and help to ease the pain. I can relate to a lot of what you said about being completely alone, but you won't be alone here. There are great and supportive people here that will make you feel welcome and accepted. I hope you keep posting here and that it will help you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Lymantria can your doc not refer you to a pain specialist hun someone that can help you cope with the amt pain your in. Help also to regulate the pain
    Your husband loves you very much hun and would not understand hun he would blame himself if you left Glad you are able to talk here hun so you won't feel so alone now hugs
  4. Lymantria

    Lymantria Member

    Thank you both for your encouragement. I did see my doctor again today. She has ordered an MRI and will refer me to a neurologist based on the results, as there is some suspicion that I may be suffering some type of neuralgia. I was also prescribed Cymbalta. I took the first dose today and I'm really really hoping that it helps.

    And you're right, total eclipse, my husband would blame himself. I know that he already feels guilty about having to leave me for work. If I committed suicide he'd be absolutely devastated. I've been thinking about this a lot and I know that one of the major things that keeps me from going through with it is imagining my husband receiving the news that I'd died. It's a horrible thought.

    Thank you again for your understanding.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.