So, I've never joined any kind of support group before. I think that doing this is a big step for me. I'm not sure exactly what to write, so I'll just let it flow for a bit and see how it goes... I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a child and I come from a long family history of mental illness, substance abuse, suicide, etc. I've attempted suicide, been hospitalized, seen doctors and therapists, been on a dozen different medications, etc. It's like a curse and sometimes it's really felt like hell. Over the past few years I've worked very hard to drag myself out of that hell. I really felt as if my life had changed for the better. I was healthy, had a comfortable home, a loving husband, some adorable house pets... Well, I still have most of that... The trouble is that a few months ago, in Nov. 2012 to be precise, I suddenly became mysteriously and awfully ill. The symptoms were crazy and frightening. I won't list them all, because there have been many that have come and gone, but I think that the worst has been the pain. It's a very real physical pain that has been constant but has varied in intensity for the last few months. At times the pain was so bad that I was terrified that I had some horrible disease and that I would certainly die. I felt like I didn't want to die. My life was going too well to end like that. I made a firm decision to find out what the problem was and fix it. I began seeing doctors and having tests run. I put myself on a very strict, super-healthy diet and took multi-vitamins. I exercised and meditated every day. I felt like I was doing everything right, but the pain persisted, and my doctors were baffled. Now, months later, the pain is still there. To make it worse, my husband is gone. He has to travel overseas for extended periods of time and I won't see him again until Aug. 2013. My family is hundreds of miles away, and I've always been an introvert. I have a hard time relating to others. I'm just socially awkward and I have no friends here. I'm literally in this house alone all the time. The pain has seriously affected my ability to enjoy life. I feel bitter all the time. When I see people who are healthy, I feel jealous. Just a couple of months ago, I was so utterly horrified at the idea of dying that I was having daily panic attacks, but now I feel as if I cannot live with this pain anymore. I was always active. I enjoyed being outdoors, hiking, exploring, traveling. I can't do any of that now. The worst is that I still don't know what is causing this pain. The panic attacks have stopped and I feel sort of... resigned. I just feel so tired. I feel as if I want to sleep forever. I cannot talk to my husband about these things because he is so far away. He will worry. I find myself wondering if he will understand if I commit suicide. Now it's become a bit of an obsession of mine... ending this pain. It's like a headache that won't go away. I feel like I've lived two lives - my life before I got sick, now my life after I got sick. And I feel ridiculous for even thinking of suicide. It isn't as if I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I'm not paralyzed. I just want my life to be as it was before all this started, and if I can't have that back, then I don't see any reason to be here anymore. I suppose I've always been an "all or nothing" sort of person. It's been a long time since I've been depressed like this. I do still have some hope, but it's difficult. I feel like I'm drowning, fighting to stay above the water. I joined this group in hopes that I could share some of this that I can't share with others in my life, that I could connect with others who know what this feels like so maybe I don't feel so utterly alone. I apologize for this extremely long rant, but all this has needed to come out. Thanks for reading.