New Here. Never felt this way before...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aqaq22, Nov 30, 2007.

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  1. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member


    I really do not know what to say, when all has been said a million times before. But, since I do not believe in suicide...i tend to believe it's the utlimate selfish act...I''ve found myself as of late, prefering the term "self-chosen euthanasia". (less hesteria that way:smile:)

    I've found myself throwing out all past preconcieved notions about what being positive means. Positive to me now, is beginning to include the wider definition of "a lack of chronic suffering".

    Suddenly it seems, I'm thinking more rationally than ever before. At 49, and without going into all the gore and guts, suffince it to say I didn't arrive at this point just this week. It's been a lifetime in coming. But, I'm afraid, come it has. I hate it too. I don't want to die. I really don't. That's what I want people to know. It's not that I want to die. I don't. But, I have to. And I don't know why. I'm not looking for "support" to "omg, don't do it!!!" hysteria. I just want to live. But, I what I really need is the acceptance of my death. The trouble is, I do not accept it I must do this, but, at the same time, I want to. I know this sounds contridictory, and it is. That's why I'm such a coward in doing it in such a way that "if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't". What a f**king coward. But, once I'm dead, that part, I'm choosing to believe, will have become a non-player. much for the violins. I hope posting this on some annonymous forum doesn't bring the men in white coats w/ butter-fly nets knocking on my door.

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Nope, no men in white coats. Just us members. I'm glad you arrived here. Most of us are suffering from pain and indecision. But we also try to help one another get through it. Please let us try. Keep posting and try to be strong. It can get better.
  3. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    No worries pal. Your post is a little vague, what exactly is it that makes you want to die right now? There must be some underlying cause. I know whatever it is can be too painful to bring up, I myself have kept many secrets for years, not even admitting to them myself since they simply hurt too much. As men, we are taught to ignore our feelings, but sometimes they become too much. I hope you feel better some time soon pal.
  4. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    It's an "existential crises", or so I'm told by my head docs. I'll just go ahead and tell you, seems safe here, plus, there's nothing to lose at this point from not being safe anyway.

    I learned to fly "on my dad's lap". At 15, I soloed. At 16, got my license, and continued to progress. I loved flying. It's the one place I most felt "myself". It made me grateful. I went through AF pilot tng. I flew jets in the Air national guard. I got on with a major U.S. airline, flying 737's.
    I got married. Not a bad life huh? My passion was my work, and vise-a-versa. I'd get home from work, and go fly a small plane to unwind. that's how much I loved to fly. But, "something" was never right. Always, I felt the job, my work, and my family made me something. It gave me alot.

    But, at work, I seemed to feel others could see right through me, like I was a fake. The work wasn't a problem. Proficient. But, emotionally, I just struggled. I ended up in ER w/ panic attacks.

    Just one example to illustrate...One day, with the crew, we were standing in line for lunch. the Flight attendants were ribbing me (they were just trying to get to know me, their first officer. I would just blush, and freeze, paralized in fear, unable to talk. My reactions made them uncomfortable. My captain, standing behind me...whispered in my ear..."Come on, Dave". He was trying to help me, emotionally. How can a man live like that, where it's so obvious to his co-workers that he's emotionally challenged? That's just one example of, to me anyway, the humiliting experiences of countless others like that. One day, I just said enough...and walked of the property, and out of my career, forever. I had already been taking anti-depressants, which is, in itself, against the rules (ie, the law).

    I tried to get back to flying, but failed the psychiatric examination that I was required to take to get back on flight status.

    My wife, of 15 years, filed for divorce, after meeting another pilot, whom she lives with to this day.

    She told me one day..."Dave, without me, your nothing." You could have heard a pin drop. We both knew she was right. All of my life, my biggest fear is that, inside of me, is nothing. It's not that I'm "a nothing", the fear is I "am nothing". Now, no job. no career. no family. no way to pursue my passion of flying even as a private pilot. My medical has been, now, permately denied.

    Honestly, that's the whole story, physically anyway. I never got fired. I never drank or was "beligerent". I wished I had gotten in trouble, that way, there might have been help. But, I did it all on my own. Every decision. And, there is no cure for that.

    I feel now, my life has been lived. I know it sounds incredible. But, I just do not have the passion for anything. And, I feel I'm about ready to "check out".

    As George Eastman (not that I'm comparing myself to his greatness in anyway) said, just before he committed suicide..."My work here is finished. Why wait?" I'd like to think I'm couragous enough to emulate the attitude he had toward his own life. Trouble is, I'm chicken chit, so I've just sat here, in this (actually, pretty nice) house of mine for the last 2 years, alone, completely alone. As I've said before, I'm a walking defense mechism. I'm going to be alone regardless, in one of two ways. Rejection, by talking to people who try to get to know me, because of my fear. Or, just deciding not to talk. either way, I'm alone. I know I do not have it as badly as some probably. But, I honestly, for the life of me, cannot come up with a reason to continue, save for a few stale platitudes. I've had a good life. Why not go out now? Just like the cameraman.
  5. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    fwiw...I've gotten all of my "affairs" in order. The instructions to my siblings, where the money is, how to get it, everything's paid for. It's sitting on my desk right now. They'll find that, it'll make their job easier. The think that makes me teary is knowing it will hurt them. This may sound odd, but, in reality, that's their problem. They'll continue to have a good life, they will have just had a brother once, who took his own life. I know it won't change their life at all. It might make it better LOL they'll get the f**king money. :smile: Also, they know the horrors I've had. I honestly believe they'll find peace in that. That's I'm finally at rest.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You don't like flying anymore because you feel like a fraud inside and are not worthy of the respect of your comrades. Am I reading you right?

    It sounds like you may have social anxiety. And your wife was cruel for saying that "without me you are nothing" to you. Don't let these fools get the better of you.

    It sounds like you had a strong love for flying. Is there any way to rekindle it?
  7. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    yes, I've felt this way all of my life. But, it's an "emotional" thing. It's not about being competant in what I do, I've never had any problems there. I believe, and I believe, rather, I heard, that my reputation for what I did for a living was that I was very good at it, so why did I feel so g/d bad? It was the only place I felt good!! Why do I feel so sorry all of the time? I't's almost like I feel an overwhelming need to apolozie. It haunts me even. I'ts like I'm even sorry for being so's somewhat, w/out being to dramatic, it can become crushing if I let me go there.

    I've been diagnosed w/ agoraphobia. Something to do w/ being in certain social situations, it makes me, and others, because they see it too, very uncomfortable. I get uncomfortable to a point of paralyzation. then they see that, and I figure that they feel bad because they feel they've caused it, or just because no one likes to see others suffer. btw...that's why my wife said what she said. She knows I have this hang-up. She never had a problem meeting people. She was the opposite. She always was very charming and charismatic. But, I beleive now, that she used me for certain things, somewhat manipulative, but that's not important now. I always kidded her..."We have one thing in common if nothing else, we both believe I'm not good enough for you!" (because of this difference in our personalities I guess, I don't care, or know, at this point).

    When I quit flying commercially (lost my medical), I started an aircraft business (brokering). This went well, and actually was very successful, but when my wife left, I sold my business. I never really saw the point in continuing it. I had made enough money to last me till the cows come home, and I wasn't getting to fly the planes, so I didn't really like it that much anymore anyway. But, to answer your question, that was one way of my trying to hold on to airplanes, even if I couldn't fly them anymore, etc..

    Now, as far as getting another medical. I'd have to stop taking the anti-anxiety meds. and stay off for 2 years. Then, I'd might get recertified medically to fly again. I do not know if I can do it though.

    I know it's bad, that I have such nice things, and I feel bad that I've even got them. Sometimes, it seems as if having nice things, if you don't use them, makes you wish someone else had them, that way I wouldn't feel so bad about wasting my life now. I'd have a real reason to feel sorry for myself, not a made up one. I'm so f**ked up.

    My friend I once knew said to me..."Dave, the only fear I have for you is that you will begin to believe the lies you tell yourself about yourself".

    I've wasted it all believing them, I guess. I do not know. I know I'm not ready to die. But, that doesn't keep me from wanting to, and planning to. But, I cannot tell if that is a lie either. I never lost my passion for flying. I still have it. If I could, I'd go to the airport right this second, fire that mother up, and take off. I know, if I could do this, It has never failed to change my perspective on my problems. Or, is it, that I've just begun to accept the true reality of them, and it's not so pretty. I cannot tell any longer. I believe my shrink lies to me to "help" me to have hope. (and I like the lies..."tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies, lol)..I've lost complete, and utter, perspective. I just don't have it in me to try and get off these meds. and get it back. Maybe I love the pain more than the freedom.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2007
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