New here, not new to this feeling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by roguefishfood, Oct 14, 2010.

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  1. roguefishfood

    roguefishfood Member

    I signed up here after a google search for "suicide forum"

    I don't know, I need something.

    I've been suicidal for three years. I've had a plan and everything, but during college, I always had a good reason to put it off.

    "Just write this essay, then see how you feel."
    "Just get to this weekend, then see how you feel."
    "Just wait till winter break, then see how you feel."

    Now I've graduated and I'm a worthless lump. I have no money and no job (no matter how hard I look. I've had a couple interviews but they're few and far between) can't drive a car, staying in my boyfriend's parents' house because mine don't want me to come home, and I feel like my welcome is running out. Not to mention his parents are EXTREMELY religious and don't even allow us to be in a room with the door closed together. (WE'RE 22!!) If we even sit too close on the sofa he gets yelled at.

    I just want a life. I want a job, a place with my boyfriend, the kind of life I had in college. Things were better then. I want to go grocery shopping, go for walks. But this house is in the middle of nowhere and without a license and a car I'm trapped here. I have to beg for a ride to the train station just to go to a job interview. I want agency over my own life. I feel useless, not good enough.

    There's a building in the city near where I grew up, 18 stories tall, the south building of an apartment complex, where the door to the roof is always open. Failing that there's an apartment building I lived in freshman year, and if I could get in there, it's only 8 stories but if I landed on my head it would suffice, I think. (Am I wrong? Wouldn't my skull just bust open like a melon?) I'd love the feeling of falling and the speed and certainty of it.

    It's the only method I feel like I can trust. (I don't own a gun) Pills won't work, I'm certain (someone will find me, I'll just throw them up, and I'm emetophobic. Vomiting is worse than death to me) and cutting isn't for suicide unless you do it just right, and I don't have the tools, the time, or the skill to do it. I'd trust nitrous oxide or cyanide or somesuch but again I have no access. Drowning/asphyxiation is certain if done right but too painful.

    Right now my boyfriend is the main thing stopping me from doing it -- I now what it would do to him and he's a good guy and doesn't deserve to feel that -- but it seems like he doesn't love me like he used to. We're both under a lot of stress and pretty miserable, and I want to believe that's the reason things are the way they are but he's so mean to me these days. He snaps at nothing, he comes down hard on even the slightest mistake or disagreement and doesn't even notice all the nice things I do. (His parents make him do a lot of chores, and I usually do them when no one is around while he's sleeping so he doesn't have to)

    I used to stay alive for my cat, but I haven't seen her in months and she probably doesn't even remember who I am. So between losing her and losing him, what do I even have to live for?

    He says we're stuck, he says nothing will ever get better, no one will ever hire him, he says it will always be this bad. I used to chide him for being so negative but he's drilled it into me so hard that now I'm starting to believe him, but if that's true, why bother?

    I know that death won't make me feel better. I don't really believe in an afterlife though. It will make me feel nothing, like a dreamless sleep. Why is it so bad that I don't mind that? I already don't belong here. I've never felt like I belonged in this world, I've always felt like an alien, I've always lived in my daydreams. Why not just leave, if this is how it's going to be?
  2. totallystan

    totallystan Banned Member

    sorry to hear that things are pretty hard for you right now but things can change i know that feeling you describe - my thought was that you are reaching out here and so must i be to be on here - or we would have just done what we think of and think we want, wouldn't we? Is it the easy way out? I can't even type what I think or feel just barely function - I have bipolar (or whatever you want to call it) have had it for 20 years and tried many times to end it - but now I know HOW and whgat will work - What stops me? NOT KNOWING!!:hamtaro:
  3. nonethelessjaclyn

    nonethelessjaclyn Well-Known Member

    i'm terribly sorry that life isn't going so well for you.
    just try to look for the good things in life. a beautiful sunset, a warm dinner, a kiss from your boyfriend. simple bliss.
    life is like an hourglass. once things are going well, everything crashes around you and it feels like there's no hope. just wait for it to be turned back around, and trust me, it will. life has a way of finding balance between pain and pleasure. you just need to bear through it.
    i hope this advice is the least bit helpful.
    but if it isn't and you're somewhat religious, try reading the bible. that's always cheered me up. we've all got to have faith in something.
    if you're not religious, try getting away for a while to clear your mind. take a long walk or listen to music. just try to distract yourself from all the bad things in life.
    if you need someone to talk to, i'll be here to help.
    i hope you feel better soon.
    lots of love.
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