New here, old issue

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by yeahmayb, Dec 15, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. yeahmayb

    yeahmayb Antiquitie's Friend


    I'm new to the forum. I struggled for years with suicidal thoughts, and even a couple of times--attempts. I know now--I was fortunate enough to have a friend who knew me well enough to know I wasn't doing well, who kept in close touch with me, and when I would withdrawl, she would stick to me like glue--and prevented an ending......which led to a hospitalization. That didn't necessarily help---but afterwards--I moved an found a new counselor that DID help. I spent several years in counseling, and I learned some great coping skills, and I had a fairly crisis free--happy--structured life for almost 13 years now.

    The past couple of years, my health began to fail. I am way to young to be dealing with these kinds of health concerns. It has left me feeling very inadequate. Last winter--my structure crumbled, resulting in some dramatic changes in my life. My health bottomed out, I was in the hospital, my spouse left me, and not only left me, but turned in a notice that the lease would not be renewed and we would be leaving the property by the end of the month, and I nor my children had any idea.

    I had a few days to make some life changing decisions, I was just out of the hospital, and not quite back on my feet. The previous couple years before, things were sort of rocky, and I had promised then before I made any rash decisions of major changes, I would give my family--several members wanting to attempt to help---a chance to help me and my kids out. I called them, and at the time, it seemed like the right decision, and they came in and packed up what was left by that time of my belongings, and my children, and moved us several hundred miles back "home". As it was going along, I thought, wow, things have changed, and we were getting along well, we had all grown up and beyond the past. That lasted until the car trip. It was so bad--at one point, my 12 year old told them--if this is how you feel--take us back now. I agreed---if you want us to change who we are--I need to go back. They defended themselves--and put a rosy coating on it.

    Things were limiting, and didn't turn out any where near as well as was needed, and far far from where I had invisioned. It took me about 4 months to find out that brief calls I was allowed to have initially--became blocked out totally. I re-entered counseling at that point. I started seeing my past that I knew was screwed up and led to my first bouts of depression, wasn't quite as well as I remembered, but worse--and the flash backs began. It ended in becoming not only mentally and emotionally abusive, but when it hit physical abuse again, I moved away. To do so, I wasn't able to communicate plans, and they felt like this was lying, but they were sabotaging so many things, and monitoring my every move, that can now see, it was my only choice. I did find a relationship, and it has been a single positive in all of this, and enter into it. I have worried and worried over making a mistake, and running from the frying pan into the fire, but actually I can see it was a God-send. I have been very upfront and told them everything that I can. I warned and expected to hit this bottom a couple of months ago when I first left the situation, but it is just now hitting.

    As soon as I moved, which was a couple hours away from "home", I began seeking counseling. I am really frustrated with the fact, it took 6 1/2 weeks to get an intake, and then 5 weeks for an appointment, but then the next appointment is like another 6 weeks away, and they are saying, this is normal.

    There have been several things, which is hard--but have added to the stress with the move. I am to the point, of realizing my deep depression is from my coping skills not working now. It is like I've always been able to adjust them, but I've gotten myself overwhelmed, and I feel like with my health, that even if I get through---the depression and learn the coping skills, that there isn't that hope for having my life on the other side of it---back. I'm here as a panicked struggle, since counseling is failing, trying to get through the moments, until I can find other counseling possibilities, and to be able to vent enough--to get beyond the feelings in the moment. I'm not sure if my health is adding to it, or if it is just the depression giving me the gloom. Im in a position where it wouldn't necessarily take doing something to result in an ending, but it can be "not" doing something that could make it happen, and it wouldn't look deliberate. This is adding a component that makes it far to tempting, and without the guilt of those behind realizing that it was my choice. I'm just not sure how to keep getting through...........I really don't know what else to say...................
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum :)

    Glad to have you with us.

    Take care, hope to see you around :)

  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum... you've been through a lot, and to be honest there isnt really anything I can come up with in order to make justice for what you've said... I just hope that it helped a little at least to get that out here. Hope to see you around more. :)

  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome and can so relate to coping mechanisms crumbling. Hopefully you will be able to find a way to cope, at least here you can vent a little and have an ear to listen.
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni


    Hey there hun, I am glad you found us. I am sure you will get the support you were looking for. Please hang in there, and I am sorry about all that. If you'd like to talk you are more than welcome to PM me anytime. I hope yo see you around soon. :hug: :hug:
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hi. welcome to the forum, here we all try to support each other so i´m here if you want to talk with someone. i really want to help you and listen to you.i see you have been through a lot of problems and i KNOW you will find this forum usefull, not only because you will let all the bad feellings and experiences out, but i use this place as a coping technic,so it may be usefull in that way for you too,and because you will find out that other people feel like you and you will find too a lot of people that will be gladly to listen and help me, if you ever need to talk please pm me i´m always here. Take care.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. Thank you for sharing the information about yourself and why you came to find us. I am certain you will find many people to offer support for you here. Take care. :hug:
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF!!! :arms:

    Glad you joined us

    Hope to see you around

    Take care

    Vikki x
  9. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Welcome and hope to see you around the forum.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.