New here - PLEASE HELP!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tormentedinside, Dec 30, 2014.

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  1. I have tried to connect to a few online chat IM's for suicide. Unfortunately, none are available. I am beyond talking on the phone because when I cry I can't be understood.

    I think I have already made up my mind that I am leaving, have decided how I am going to do it, just waiting until the new year.

    Are there people here who you can talk to? My family doesn't understand and only adds to the problems. I suffer from so many mental illnesses that I have lost count. I am in therapy but don't disclose my real feelings because I don't want to be locked up.

    Please help!
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hello and welcome to SF. There is a chat here where you can talk to people, or you can even message them. Feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. So sorry to hear that you feel so down. Please do not act on your feeling but you should explain what is the cause of your crisis. Keep posting for emotional support you richly deserve. Please remain calm but take one day at a time.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiyas and welcome to the forum, I am sorry you are feeling so bad lately. Of course there are people here you can talk to, you can post on the forums, or private message or use the chat room here, there's plenty of support to be found here. You must be going through so much with so many illnesses, it has to be very hard. I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you around the forums. :cheerful:
  5. First let me say thank you to everyone who responded. Your warm welcome and words of encouragement are appreciated.

    Not really sure where to start...

    I suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD, severe depression, codependent, PTSD, borderline personality disorder (which involves severe paranoia), panic attacks and on and on... Being inside my head is something I have tried to first be in denial and ignore and then seek help but can't afford decent therapy. I have been on a plethora of meds and none have been able to get my symptoms in check. Go figure.

    I grew up in a very abusive household. Physical abuse along with mental abuse. I have said many times, I would rather have the physical abuse because the mental scars just don't fade away, unlike the bruises and cuts do. When I got old enough to fight back, I did, and that brought on more challenges and more abuse. Being strong willed has been in a downfall in that aspect. I vowed that when I graduated from school, I would leave and never look back, and that is exactly what I did. Not knowing my allure for abusive men would kick in, since that was what is familiar to me, I met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams. The beginning was great and I was happy. I was out of my abusive home finally and doing things my way. That lasted for about 6 months, then all hell broke loose. I was pregnant by that time and having the nature of a codependent, I didn't see leaving as an option. It took me almost losing my life and custody of my daughter to get me out. From there I met another man, who was a spawn of satan, but I had to have him. I didn't know it in the beginning, or more like I didn't recognize the signs. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. That lasted for a while, and it took being held prisoner for three days with a shotgun held under my chin to get me to see the light.

    After all that hell, I finally snatched me a piece of heaven. I found someone who was awesome. It was a relationship like I had never experienced before. I often worried that I would screw it up because it wasn't something I was accustomed to. He knew my story and was such a kind, gentle, understanding and patient man. Needless to say, he died of prostate cancer and world once again fell apart. I literally died inside and took a long time to move forward.

    I had tried to commit suicide when I lost my daughter but wasn't successful. I considered it when I lost my best friend. I was empty, tired, and fed up. I pulled myself together, to a certain degree, but was basically just a robot going through the motions. Because of all of this, I have had I don't know how many jobs. I am hot headed, and overanalyze everything! This year I have had lots of health issues due to a massive amount of weight gain and all the negativity taking a toll on my body. Four surgeries later, I still hurt so bad, I just don't feel like I can maintain.

    I am weary and all the fighting energy I once had is now depleted and I am on empty. I feel like an old gear that has been grinded down and no longer able to function. I have applied for disability but have been denied twice because they believe I am not eligible. I am fortunate enough to live in an apt that is based on income, but it is a hell hole. I am infested with bed bugs, roaches, a very hateful manager and maintenance man who don't want to do anything other than sit in their office and chat. It doesn't matter that we went 26 days without hot water or that we had to go 5 days without being able to flush our toilets, with other things I am not mentioning. This compounds to my mental issues and I have called everybody and their brother, from the state representative, health dept, apartment association, environmental agency, local newspapers, rural development (the people who actually funded to get the apts built), even legal aid. No one cares about us mental cases. Put us in a box and let us fend for ourselves. Basically if you can't function in society or come from money to help you along the way you are useless.

    Mentally I am exhausted, my family is exhausted (yes they have actually said they are exhausted from dealing with me), and just plain ole sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    <mod edit - methods/ Time line>

    I feel at peace with my decision and long for this date to be upon me. Living with all this on loop in my head is more than I can carry. It is time to sit the overflowing basket down and rest.

    One last thing I want to say, I have read many articles, about how people who commit suicide are selfish and this angers me. I think it is the exact opposite. Would people who have cancer or some other disease be called selfish? I think not. Everyone leaves this living plane eventually, some of us just choose to leave on our own terms.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 31, 2014
  6. Tranquil

    Tranquil Member

    Tormentedinside.... I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly. I am not sure what to say to you to help you through this tough time. Reading others' stories makes me feel selfish for wanting to end my life. My world does not feel safe anymore. I am scared all the time and alone. I have been on a rollercoaster myself with the thoughts of suicide and then thinking I can get a grip on this and give it another day or week or whatever. I have purposely not put anything in place (will, finances, etc.) b/c then I would be more apt to act impulsively although I'm not usually an impulsive person. What I have started to do is meditate. It's called mindfulness meditation and you can find a lot of them on youtube. The only thing I was going to suggest to you is if possibly you can think back over your life when you have gone through difficult times... maybe even times that were more difficult than they are now and how you got through them. I have made a list on the days or hours when I feel stronger and I need to go and re-read it whenever I can. It doesn't get rid of me coming back to the idea of suicide, but it does sometimes give me a bit of hope to try again. To give it one more day, or one more week. I don't know that this will help you but I hope that it helps to know that you are not alone. I read something today that said

    "Who you were, who you are, and who you will be are three different people." ~Unknown

    You are not alone. I wish you all the best on this New Year's Eve.

    Love and light.
  7. Thank you for your kind words.

    I have tried meditation and it eases my mind for the space of about half an hour but then it all comes tumbling back with a vengeance. I just don't have the will to go on past my set date. Heck it is a struggle to make it that far. I am crying so hard right now, as I try to respond to you, that I can barely read the screen.

    I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, I'm tired of the physical pain, I'm tired of the mental pain. I scream out in the darkness, begging for it all to stop. Please pain and torment, please, please, please leave me alone. You have reduced me to nothing, what more could you want? The answer is always the same - the end.

    Reading others stories makes me feel even worse. I want so bad to be able to help others because that is just how I am wired, but I don't know how. I feel your pain about being scared, alone and on a vicious rollercoaster ride. I have grasped and clawed until my nails bleed from hanging on. For me, it just not worth the struggle. No matter which way I turn, it is always the same. Per my therapist, I journal, keep track of my moods, write down positive quotes, take my meds and keep weekly therapy appts. I have read until my eyes feel like they are bleeding also. I have cried an ocean in silence and just when it feels my body can't produce any more tears, there they come.

    The unknown quote that you posted, is one I have wrote down and pull out daily to remind myself of this. However, this demon in my brain won't let me absorb these beautiful words and implement them into my life. I just want to cut it out, be rid of it, but I think we all know that can't happen.

    Anyway, I know I am not alone, and I suffer for others also. The burden I carry is just absolutely to heavy to continue to try to carry. It is time to lay it down. I feel I have fought a good fight but didn't win. That is ok. I have given my contribution to the world, that being my daughter. My work here is completed.

    Best to you and your family in 2015, my friend.

    Love and light!
  8. Ben the administrator

    I can't respond via PM so I will do it here. I am sorry I broke the rules. I didn't read them and that is on me. Hope I can redeem myself.

  9. Tranquil

    Tranquil Member

    What you are going through right now has nothing to do with who you really are.... deep down in your soul, in your heart.

    Can you try to just take baby steps? Set very small goals? Take it moment by moment. Hour by hour? Then you can increase to half a day or one day?

    Set very small goals. Track them and write the good as well. You are worth so much more than the situation you have been given and you are stronger than you can ever imagine.

    Please just try. Set small goals and take it one moment at a time til you can work up to one day at a time.

    I will keep you in my thoughts.

    Love and light.
  10. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    No problem and no need for concern - thanks for taking a minute to review the rules and your posting and access has been restored. I hope you are able to get some extra support because you certainly deserve it. I wish there was more to do than to give you a place to vent, but sometimes when you vent about your issues somebody else that has faced the similar can see something that may give you an idea to try and a glimmer of hope. I really hope you get the chance you deserve and few things break your way soon. :hug:
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