New here, really not comfortable about it either.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chester76, Jun 25, 2014.

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  1. Chester76

    Chester76 New Member

    I just signed on to this site, first time coming to a site like this. I promised I would utilize every avenue before making any kind of irreversible decisions, so here I am. I will try to keep this as short as possible and prevent a life story here. But as many of you are aware these things are typically quite complex.

    I am a 38 year old, never married, no kids, who was previously diagnosed with bipolar but recently changed to depression with anxiety disorder. I started a job back in 10/13, and it had one of those 90 day wait periods for benefits. So, 3-4 months without medication. I have my masters in counseling studies with a focus on addictions counseling. I had been working as a drug and alcohol counselor, un-medicated, for 3-4 months. I’m sure many of you can imagine the kind of emotional toll it takes on a person with depression and anxiety, counseling that population un-medicated. And truthfully, it wasn’t people’s doom and gloom that got me, it was all the little brats with legal issues trying to play games to get out of the trouble they got themselves into… anxiety skyrocketed over the weeks and months, and one day instead of going to work I went to the local mental hospital. Nice $300 bill I have no idea how I am going to pay, but anyway…

    So, I left the job back in March. I have been living off savings since, and had to move back into mother’s apartment. I don’t know if you can comprehend the amount of shame being a 38 year old man who still needs his mother to provide a roof and food. On top of that, the woman does not understand in the slightest this kind of stuff. Her lease is up in 5 months, and her only focus is that she will not re-new, and I’m going to be out on the street if I don’t start work last week. So, being here has become extremely tense, uncomfortable, and guilty experience. She has actually pretty much stopped talking to me. There hasn’t even been an argument. This is almost a punishment. This just re-assures me that my plans from back in March are still a very valid alternative.

    I’m sure many of you have therapeutic relationships with some kind of counselor, maybe even others who are counselors… I am rather sure you can understand a counselor’s need to get their mental health straight in order to be able to be of any help, morally and ethically as well, to another person. Really, how would you feel sitting there telling a therapist your problems and issues and all he/she is doing is half paying attention as they are consumed with their own thoughts about terminating their own existence? That being said, I hope you can understand why I’m not exactly throwing resumes around.

    I have a mental health evaluation scheduled on 7/9.

    Those are the immediate issues… Overall, I honestly and truly detest this world. I despise most people in this world. When it comes to people mouths about politics, religion, lifestyles…. I am sick to death of people’s attitudes, opinions, and judgments. A society driven by greed, I could go on and on. I really hate this place and I simply just don’t want to be here anymore. I had written a suicide letter a month ago. It’s not full of the “life is pain’ stuff… It’s actually a scientific argument as to why I should no longer exist. Bottom line: social Darwinism. I do not fit in this society, never have, and I lack the mentality/emotional stability to thrive in this social climate.

    And there’s more. Perhaps from a lifetime of feeling this way, a good deal of angst and perpetual anger has grown over the years. The darkest thing I can admit to is things like that guy in California a few weeks ago… Columbine, Aurora… I pretty routinely fight off thoughts to do things like that. For some reason I have some kind of internal fail-safe that prevents me from going through with something like that, which those guys seemed to lack. But I can’t tell you how tiring, and self-hating, it is to have thoughts like that on a regular basis. It’s almost like a multiple personality. Something in there really wants to teach society a lesson, however the logical and rational side knows how horrific, wrong, even futile, such actions are. The core of who I am does not want to do anything like that, but I just can’t stop those thoughts from rising regularly. I made the mistake of confiding this to a now former friend on Facebook recently. Yeah, after giving me some lovely insults, he blocked me right away. Knowing how these things are monitored, I’m also shocked the SWAT team hasn’t crashed through my door…

    So, that’s more than enough for now. As I said, I’m only writing this to keep the internal promise of trying every single avenue prior to any decisions. As I can’t get any professional help until after the intake on 7/9, I figured this was the only place I could say anything to anyone without being judged. That’s the hope at least.
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :welcome: to SF Chester

  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello Chester welcome to SF, I am sorry you are hurting you talk that there is no professional help until after you have been admitted on he 9th. Have you potentially thought about contacting a confidential suicide line and talking through these issues you are having before then? To see if there is any immediate support you can get even if It is just talking on the phone?
  4. Chester76

    Chester76 New Member

    I haven't called any such line as I have no plans to go through with it today. As I mentioned, I will utilize every avenue before going through with such a thing. I've been feeling like this as long as i can remember, and I'm just tired of the internal fight. The full comprehension that I do not fit in, or belong here, with the notion of - I really don't want to be here either.... It's gradually getting harder resisting such notions. I am very tired.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Chester and welcome to SF!

    I'm really sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time right now. I hope you are able to find the support you need here and feel like you are able to talk about your problems. I agree with Perfect Melancholy that you could speak to a confidential suicide or crisis hotline until you are able to get professional help, as well as talking here :hug:
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi There. Welcome to the forum. You get a lot of support here so please keep posting and we try to help as much as we can.
  7. Chester76

    Chester76 New Member

    I kinda dropped off for a bit as, well, I felt better for a while. That has now changed. Coming to a new point of breaking my internal promise. I have been fighting suicidal urges since I was 12. And getting past each one to, sooner than later, go right back into it... I've had enough. I'm at a new concept of what's the point in looking for help? To go back through it again? Kinda like fixing up the POW just to torture him some more. One would think that writing something here suggests I don't want to go anywhere. But I am starting to suspect that my posts are more of an epitaph than a request for help.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you i do but with support with the right support the suffering can be eased up some ok please know that i do hope you reach out again
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,looks like you have received a nice warm welcome here, we're a friendly bunch, hopefully we can help you overcome this crisis :hug:
  10. Chester76

    Chester76 New Member

    The problem is, I have been through the help before. In 2009 I checked myself into a hospital for suicidal and homicidal urges. After 24 hour observation, i was shipped to a mental institution where I stayed for 10 days. They had me doped up on something, I can't recall any of that besides the drive home. I have virtually no idea what happened in there. Not to mention the cost....

    And, being a counselor by profession myself, I also know the dark side of the helping services. Though there are those counselors and facilities that do care and want people to get better, never forget that they exist to make money before they exist to help you. A big part of it is getting people in so you can bill the funding source, "treat" them, and ensure documentation is top notch to prevent being sued for any reason. Especially by the families if one ends up dead. So, though I still have my appointment on the 9th, I am rather skeptical of the whole thing.
  11. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    Hi Chester

    I see a psychologist each week and I find it helpful as a way of getting things off my chest. I have Aspergers and relate strongly to how you feel about the world in general. I think these kinds of feelings arise when a person is intelligent and analyses things too much. Most people aren't focusing in on the reality of life too much as a kind of self-protection from it all. It's like a healthy form of self-delusion.
  12. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    Hello Chester,

    Your right in saying that nobody will judge you on here :) we are here for you whenever you need support. Welcome to the site :)
  13. late

    late Member

    Perhaps there are other avenues for you to support or care for humanity without working in addiction counseling. Are you able to network with any youth or social support agencies? After my divorce I worked at a shelter for homeless youth, and it was too dark a place I had to leave. I then found a job in helping to fit orthodics (no training in field they wanted someone who had been to college for anything).

    The opportunities you and I have are totally different from our father's generation, and as a society our story isn't written yet. I sincerely think that this silver tsunami is going to leave a lot of new opportunity and social change once those of us born after the 70s are a political y active majority. I'm rambling but please look for opportunities outside your own experience and maybe you can shift things.
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