I just signed on to this site, first time coming to a site like this. I promised I would utilize every avenue before making any kind of irreversible decisions, so here I am. I will try to keep this as short as possible and prevent a life story here. But as many of you are aware these things are typically quite complex. I am a 38 year old, never married, no kids, who was previously diagnosed with bipolar but recently changed to depression with anxiety disorder. I started a job back in 10/13, and it had one of those 90 day wait periods for benefits. So, 3-4 months without medication. I have my masters in counseling studies with a focus on addictions counseling. I had been working as a drug and alcohol counselor, un-medicated, for 3-4 months. I’m sure many of you can imagine the kind of emotional toll it takes on a person with depression and anxiety, counseling that population un-medicated. And truthfully, it wasn’t people’s doom and gloom that got me, it was all the little brats with legal issues trying to play games to get out of the trouble they got themselves into… anxiety skyrocketed over the weeks and months, and one day instead of going to work I went to the local mental hospital. Nice $300 bill I have no idea how I am going to pay, but anyway… So, I left the job back in March. I have been living off savings since, and had to move back into mother’s apartment. I don’t know if you can comprehend the amount of shame being a 38 year old man who still needs his mother to provide a roof and food. On top of that, the woman does not understand in the slightest this kind of stuff. Her lease is up in 5 months, and her only focus is that she will not re-new, and I’m going to be out on the street if I don’t start work last week. So, being here has become extremely tense, uncomfortable, and guilty experience. She has actually pretty much stopped talking to me. There hasn’t even been an argument. This is almost a punishment. This just re-assures me that my plans from back in March are still a very valid alternative. I’m sure many of you have therapeutic relationships with some kind of counselor, maybe even others who are counselors… I am rather sure you can understand a counselor’s need to get their mental health straight in order to be able to be of any help, morally and ethically as well, to another person. Really, how would you feel sitting there telling a therapist your problems and issues and all he/she is doing is half paying attention as they are consumed with their own thoughts about terminating their own existence? That being said, I hope you can understand why I’m not exactly throwing resumes around. I have a mental health evaluation scheduled on 7/9. Those are the immediate issues… Overall, I honestly and truly detest this world. I despise most people in this world. When it comes to people mouths about politics, religion, lifestyles…. I am sick to death of people’s attitudes, opinions, and judgments. A society driven by greed, I could go on and on. I really hate this place and I simply just don’t want to be here anymore. I had written a suicide letter a month ago. It’s not full of the “life is pain’ stuff… It’s actually a scientific argument as to why I should no longer exist. Bottom line: social Darwinism. I do not fit in this society, never have, and I lack the mentality/emotional stability to thrive in this social climate. And there’s more. Perhaps from a lifetime of feeling this way, a good deal of angst and perpetual anger has grown over the years. The darkest thing I can admit to is things like that guy in California a few weeks ago… Columbine, Aurora… I pretty routinely fight off thoughts to do things like that. For some reason I have some kind of internal fail-safe that prevents me from going through with something like that, which those guys seemed to lack. But I can’t tell you how tiring, and self-hating, it is to have thoughts like that on a regular basis. It’s almost like a multiple personality. Something in there really wants to teach society a lesson, however the logical and rational side knows how horrific, wrong, even futile, such actions are. The core of who I am does not want to do anything like that, but I just can’t stop those thoughts from rising regularly. I made the mistake of confiding this to a now former friend on Facebook recently. Yeah, after giving me some lovely insults, he blocked me right away. Knowing how these things are monitored, I’m also shocked the SWAT team hasn’t crashed through my door… So, that’s more than enough for now. As I said, I’m only writing this to keep the internal promise of trying every single avenue prior to any decisions. As I can’t get any professional help until after the intake on 7/9, I figured this was the only place I could say anything to anyone without being judged. That’s the hope at least.