I can't believe I find myself here, but I do. Why? The vague idea of killing myself has been around now for at least six or seven years, but only omnipresent and a real possibility in my mind for the last six months or so. They've been calling this depression Bi-Polar Disorder for the last year since I went in and had various "doctors" talk to me. I've tried various things to no avail, including a medication (and I HATE medication, particularly psychotropic medication). It keeps getting worse. I don't leave the house. Don't want to. Don't want to talk to friends. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to do anything. What's the point in doing anything proactive when you wish you were dead? The only thing that's kept me alive is I live in a state where it's hard to get a gun and that's the only means I'd consider. If I'm going to do something I want to do it right. So the other day I'm getting off the freeway and I see a sign for the Gun Show. In two weeks. I imagine some people here will understand when I say that I felt relief. For the first time in months I felt real peace and relief. I can get a gun easily there, wait the waiting period, and be done with it. So how about that? I'm at a point in my life where when I see a sign for a Gun Show I feel relieved and confident that I can finally end my life. Most of the time the sign probably wouldn't even register. Or I'd have a passing curiosity or make fun of it. This time I see it as welcome relief. It's on my mind everyday. I made sure the days were free on my calendar (not that I'm very busy these days). So what do you make of that? I know "don't kill yourself" is probably the gut reaction and I understand that, but I'm curious to hear from others with similar feelings. It feels like a relief to have a clear path to my own destruction. So strange.