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New here...so it's come to this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by born2run78, Feb 23, 2010.

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  1. born2run78

    born2run78 New Member

    I can't believe I find myself here, but I do. Why? The vague idea of killing myself has been around now for at least six or seven years, but only omnipresent and a real possibility in my mind for the last six months or so. They've been calling this depression Bi-Polar Disorder for the last year since I went in and had various "doctors" talk to me. I've tried various things to no avail, including a medication (and I HATE medication, particularly psychotropic medication).

    It keeps getting worse. I don't leave the house. Don't want to. Don't want to talk to friends. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to do anything. What's the point in doing anything proactive when you wish you were dead?

    The only thing that's kept me alive is I live in a state where it's hard to get a gun and that's the only means I'd consider. If I'm going to do something I want to do it right.

    So the other day I'm getting off the freeway and I see a sign for the Gun Show. In two weeks. I imagine some people here will understand when I say that I felt relief. For the first time in months I felt real peace and relief. I can get a gun easily there, wait the waiting period, and be done with it.

    So how about that? I'm at a point in my life where when I see a sign for a Gun Show I feel relieved and confident that I can finally end my life. Most of the time the sign probably wouldn't even register. Or I'd have a passing curiosity or make fun of it. This time I see it as welcome relief. It's on my mind everyday. I made sure the days were free on my calendar (not that I'm very busy these days).

    So what do you make of that? I know "don't kill yourself" is probably the gut reaction and I understand that, but I'm curious to hear from others with similar feelings. It feels like a relief to have a clear path to my own destruction. So strange.
  2. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    i dont know what to say that may comfort you, i just want you to know i feel the same. i cant relate to the gun thing as i live in the uk. its not really something we have here but i can relate to the feeling of everytime i see a knife or a rope, i wonder would anyone notice if i just did it now? it doesnt matter where i am. i dont care about anyone or anything. i feel nothing, empty.

    im here if you need to talk.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Born To Run!!! I well relate to your wanting a G**.. When I was really down I had my dads.. I found myself sitting on my bed with it to my head..I had the hammer cocked and my finger on the trigger.. I did some serious contimplating should I do it or not..I focused my thoughts on my grandaughter and what it would do to her..She loves me very much..So I sat there in tears..I finally gave it to my brother..Out of reach out of mind..Please think about the harm and heartache you will cause if you go thru with it..Good Luck!!
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