New here/ struggling

[Hesitantemu]

Hey guys,

I'm new here and I wanted to introduce myself but also reach out for support. I recently turned 21 and I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD since I was 12. Ever since then, suicide has been on my mind almost every day. I've been hospitalized 15 times and I've spent over 2 years in residential treatment settings. I feel like I've been fighting to stay alive for my whole life. Recently, things have gotten worse. In February I attempted and was in the ICU for 2 weeks. This was my 4th attempt. I am still upset about the fact that I haven't succeeded when "it is a miracle that I am alive."

I'm in individual therapy once a week, IOP 3 times a week, and a DBT group once a week. I dont really remember a time where I was okay for more than 2 or 3 days. For the past few weeks, suicide has been on my mind all of the time and I feel like there is no other way out. I know that this is irrational thinking, but it seems like the only way for the pain to go away. I have amazing friends and family that I know love me and would be devastated if I died. They are the only reason that I am alive right now. I care about other people so much but I don't care at all about myself at all. I wish that I didnt care about other people because then I would be able to stop fighting. I know that suicide will be the way that i die so a lot of the times my thought is that i should just do it sooner than later.

I received bad news a few days ago which fueled the thoughts even more. I am trying my hardest to reach out for support and use my resources but I feel like i am in a constant battle with myself. A huge part of me wants to give up but there is another part that just doesn't want to hurt anyone. I'm sorry for the long rant, I just never get to express my true thoughts because I don't want to worry other people and a lot of my family and friends dont understand what it is like.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I greatly appreciate it.

 

[cots]

Hi and welcome to SF!

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's not easy fighting a battle with mental illnesses and it can seem like we're fighting it alone.

Feel free to post or use Chat whenever you need to talk to someone. See you around!

 

[Champagne]

Hi there @Hesitantemu

A warm welcome to SF. I hope you find what you are looking for here, this is a highly moderated and safe forum to share your thoughts, don't worry, it wasn't a long rant and even if it was I still would have read through it all. Rant/talk/natter all the way you want to

You're so young and you have been through so much, I am glad you survived your attempt, you sound like such a caring and loyal person, you have to find that inner love and inner peace within yourself. Acceptance is the key to being truly free.

Do you want to talk about what triggered the suicidal/depressive thoughts at age 12, that age seems to be a common theme for many of us here maybe into the child>adolescence transition, i'm not sure, or were there other factors?

SF will stand by you and I have no doubt you will make amazing friends here, keep talking to us okay? And if you want to share what happened recently that triggered you, feel free to tell us. We are not here to judge you

 

[may71]

Sorry that you've gone through so much Hesitantemu

I feel like there is no other way out

I don't know if you want to talk about treatment methods, but there may be a few you haven't tried that would be worth trying.

I hope something can help

This is a link to study on acupuncture and PTSD
https://nccih.nih.gov/research/results/spotlight/092107.htm

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi, welcome to SF. I'm glad you're here.

 

[JDot]

Hi @Hesitantemu It sounds like you've been in a lot of pain. You'll always have a place here to share your pain. Pain shared is pain lessened. We're glad to have you here.

 

[Hesitantemu]

Hi there @Hesitantemu

A warm welcome to SF. I hope you find what you are looking for here, this is a highly moderated and safe forum to share your thoughts, don't worry, it wasn't a long rant and even if it was I still would have read through it all. Rant/talk/natter all the way you want to

You're so young and you have been through so much, I am glad you survived your attempt, you sound like such a caring and loyal person, you have to find that inner love and inner peace within yourself. Acceptance is the key to being truly free.

Do you want to talk about what triggered the suicidal/depressive thoughts at age 12, that age seems to be a common theme for many of us here maybe into the child>adolescence transition, i'm not sure, or were there other factors?

SF will stand by you and I have no doubt you will make amazing friends here, keep talking to us okay? And if you want to share what happened recently that triggered you, feel free to tell us. We are not here to judge you

Hi there @Hesitantemu

A warm welcome to SF. I hope you find what you are looking for here, this is a highly moderated and safe forum to share your thoughts, don't worry, it wasn't a long rant and even if it was I still would have read through it all. Rant/talk/natter all the way you want to

You're so young and you have been through so much, I am glad you survived your attempt, you sound like such a caring and loyal person, you have to find that inner love and inner peace within yourself. Acceptance is the key to being truly free.

Do you want to talk about what triggered the suicidal/depressive thoughts at age 12, that age seems to be a common theme for many of us here maybe into the child>adolescence transition, i'm not sure, or were there other factors?

SF will stand by you and I have no doubt you will make amazing friends here, keep talking to us okay? And if you want to share what happened recently that triggered you, feel free to tell us. We are not here to judge you

Thank you for the kind words 😄 I've never really had people in my life be so kind and accepting as the people who have just responded to my post. I experiences a lot of truama as a child and into adolescence. When I was 13 I reported the abuse (from my mom's ex and also my brother) and everything was taken to court but there were no consequences due to lack of evidence. Ever since, it has just been me and my mom living together. Last week my mom told methat we can't afford our apartment anymore and that we both have to move in with my dad (they still get along even though they are divorced.) But, my brother who abused me lives at my dad's house. I keep trying to think of ways to get through this and in my session with my therapist she was also very supportive and we were brainstorming. Right now i feel like the only option is suicide because I can not deal with the pain of living with my brother. My parents are extremely supportive of everything in my life except for this. They do not believe me. Also, the one year anniversary of my other brother's death just passed. He was one of my best friends and number one supporters. I do have a huge heart and never want to hurt anyone and that is the only thing that has kept me alive. Even with that, when the pain gets way too unbearable, I end up trying to take my life. The past 2 attempts were extremely lethal and I shouldn't have lived through either of them. I am already in so much pain and I know when I move in with my dad that it will set me off. I honestly have planned out how I will kill myself if it comes to that. I feel like I am constantly fighting against myself for my life. I want things to get better so badly but in my head, I can't think of any way that that could happen. I dont know what to do or who to turn to. I am extremely scared about the near future. I dont know if that was too much information but I havent been able to talk about all of it with any of my friends because if I told them how hopeless I was, they wouldn't understand. Thank you for being so kind 💕

 

[may71]

I dont know if that was too much information

There's really no such things as too much information here. If it helps to talk about it, it's ok to talk about it.

Last week my mom told methat we can't afford our apartment anymore and that we both have to move in with my dad

Does she say when the move has to take place? Do you want suggestions about what you could do about this?

 

[Hesitantemu]

There's really no such things as too much information here. If it helps to talk about it, it's ok to talk about it.

Does she say when the move has to take place? Do you want suggestions about what you could do about this?

It is most likely going to be on July 1st. I would love any suggestions/ advice/ support and it is extremely appreciated.

 

[may71]

If you are in the US or Canada, you may want to try calling 211. I can't guarantee that they would be able to help, but maybe.

You should be eligible for disability benefits, assuming you aren't already getting them. It often takes a long time to get them though. In principle, a lawyer could help you to get benefits faster, but they generally have a financial incentive to drag their heels, since the longer they wait, the bigger your check is, and that makes their percentage cut bigger. A lawyer with a charitable organization might be better, if you can find one.

Even if you can't pay rent, you can't be forced to leave your home without an eviction proceeding. I'm not a lawyer, but that's my understanding of it. If you feel like you'd be at risk for an attempt if you were forced to live with your father, you may be able to simply stay in your home and wait for a court hearing. You'd probably want to consult with a lawyer about this if you decide to go that route.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

hey, sorry to hear you've gone through so much
I'm not sure what else to say at the moment but you're at the right place here, and I hope you can feel better soon ♥

 

[Hesitantemu]

If you are in the US or Canada, you may want to try calling 211. I can't guarantee that they would be able to help, but maybe.

You should be eligible for disability benefits, assuming you aren't already getting them. It often takes a long time to get them though. In principle, a lawyer could help you to get benefits faster, but they generally have a financial incentive to drag their heels, since the longer they wait, the bigger your check is, and that makes their percentage cut bigger. A lawyer with a charitable organization might be better, if you can find one.

Even if you can't pay rent, you can't be forced to leave your home without an eviction proceeding. I'm not a lawyer, but that's my understanding of it. If you feel like you'd be at risk for an attempt if you were forced to live with your father, you may be able to simply stay in your home and wait for a court hearing. You'd probably want to consult with a lawyer about this if you decide to go that route.

Thank you for the advice! I definitely will look into getting disability. I know that i qualify for it, i just never applied. We aren't being forced to leave, it was my mom's decision. She pays rent and the bills and I just help out when I can. It was her idea to move before things got really bad financially. I will look into disability though so I can try and get out on my own as soon as possible.

 

[Hesitantemu]

hey, sorry to hear you've gone through so much
I'm not sure what else to say at the moment but you're at the right place here, and I hope you can feel better soon ♥

I appreciate the support just as much as anything else!! I am very grateful for all of the kind souls on this site 🥰

 

[KM76710]

Hello and welcome good to see you joining in.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

I appreciate the support just as much as anything else!! I am very grateful for all of the kind souls on this site 🥰

♥ ♥ ♥