New Here - Suicidal Thoughts

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Sooz, Dec 23, 2015.

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  1. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    Just wanted to drop by. I'm new to the forums. First off, thanks for having me. I've been feeling very depressed for the past couple of months, this last month I've been I guess suicidal. Thoughts every day and planning over the past week. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do anything, mostly because of family. We're a close family and it would be the worst thing I could do to them. But with that I often feel trapped because dying isn't an option. It hurts when a vision of doing some horrible thing to myself pops into my head.

    Anyway, I'm on the waiting list (in the UK) for CBT but waiting is killing me. Then there's the thought that even that won't help. I feel there's no hope even when I get that help. I mean, what can really be done? Over the years each time I get a bad depression it's worse than the last. Will getting CBT really do any good? I should be on 40mg Fluoxetine but I'm not taking it. I know I should. I'm a musician and artist and the drug dramatically dampens my ability to do both of those things. But because of these suicidal thoughts recently and feeling like I can't even lift my head I'm beginning to think maybe I should start on them.

    I used to be on them before and they made some matters worse. Tried Sertraline and Citalopram in the past too and all have completely killed my creativity which in turn made me more depressed because losing that felt like I had nothing left in life.

    Sorry to ramble on so long. Basically, I just wanted to share my thoughts and hopefully speak with other people who're in a similar position. They always say it's good to talk and it's taken me forever to build up the courage to try something like this.

    I hope you're all as well as is possible. Take care and hopefully speak soon
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Sooz sorry you too are struggling with thoughts of leaving It is so hard to want to leave but know you cannot as it would only harm others I do hope talking here can help to release the pain and sadness some Knowing one is not alone helps some so keep reaching out ok
     
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  3. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    Thank you, Eclipse. It is hard, that feeling of being stuck in limbo almost. Most days pass and I struggle to be productive or to find any inspiration to even begin thinking about being productive. Pretty pathetic really. I feel like if I had no one (which I'm so glad I do) I would've been gone a long time ago. That's sad... But yeah, knowing I'm not alone is actually helpful. Always thought it wouldn't make much difference but you're right. Thank you
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Sooz, Welcome to the Forum, I too know that trapped feeling, I am sorry that you feel that way, I have been there so I can relate, I am not very creative which is probably a good thing, I though have tried to leave more times then I care to remember, depression alone can do a job on you! That has been my biggest problem, it is constant.
    As far as rambling, please don't worry about that, the more you tell us when you can, helps some of us to understand better what you are dealing with and going through, I am glad that you did muster up the courage to join us! We are here to help and support, to let you know that you are not alone, to help make you feel comfortable here and to tell You there are people here who know and feel what you are going through. Most of us if not all here have been where you are, we would like to try and help you understand that you can get through this. We are and will be here for you, I hope that you will feel your time here is well spent as well as educational! Please be Safe and take care of yourself!
     
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  5. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    Thank you so much, True-Lee. I've never been able to open up while in this frame of mind. It's easier after it passes because you can tell the person everything's fine and not to worry because it's no longer that bad. But while you're going through it, it makes such a difference just for someone to hear it and to get it. Thank you! I've been lucky that the depression isn't completely constant. It comes and goes but this time around it's not going and feeling this way for a couple of months is beginning to wear me down. I suppose it's just more of the same, waiting it out and hoping it passes soon. In the meantime though I mostly sleep. When I'm not sleeping I regularly have quite vivid thoughts of killing myself. Like I say, this past week I've been planning things but the plans are all over the place. Different methods rather than actually picking one and deciding on it. Knowing I could never do that though makes that trapped feeling worse which makes me feel more hopeless. These cycles we get stuck in are a sick joke. There's so much to do but things are being put off. I have no energy and even if I did it just seems like what's the point? You know? But I understand that's just part of the depression.

    I hope you're doing ok? It's weird, I know this place is designed to share our thoughts but I hope I won't bring you or anyone else down with all this. Take care too and again, thank you
     
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  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am doing OK Sooz, I am doing a lot better then a lot of others in here, I am thankful that I can talk and relate to others in here to help them understand like you, that you are not alone, this is a safe place where people genuinely care about you and understand what you are going through, we are not professionals, we are people just like you trying our best to live and to help others deal with life and issues the best we can. It is at times difficult but we can make it if we all remember why we are here and contribute to each other, I understand you want to live for others to not make things difficult for them, I would like to see you some day want to live for yourself, I understand depression and what it does, I didn't read about it in a book or see it , I have and do live it and live with it daily, like you are now! I hope that you can someday say I want to live because the world is a beautiful place, I hope that you can, you are able to there is nothing stopping you it is possible, we are here to help you and to give you the support necessary to carry on! I wish you the best in here, We all are here for you and each other! I thank you for reading my posts, I hope they and I can help you in some small way!
     
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  7. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    I wish all of this for you too. It's a wonderful thing to know there are people like you and others who have spoken to me out there, complete strangers but who take the time to help others. I hope that in itself lets you know how much you mean to the world. Despite the sadness that consumes us, I feel coming here is the right choice. Thank you again and I hope you'll have a good Christmas :)
     
  8. dragonflight

    dragonflight New Member

    This time of year sure makes things hard. I hope you hang in there however you can. Sometimes you just have to close the bathroom door and cry for a little bit. Sadly, that's the healthiest coping strategy I can share.
     
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  9. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    Sadly there's been a lot of crying behind closed doors recently. I'll hang in there. Looking forward to the day right now. I know when it's all over there'll be that loneliness again but for now, having family around will help. Thank you for your kind words. I hope you'll have a good Christmas and enjoy it as best you can. Thank you
     
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's ok to cry. I really feel for YOU. Do not worry as we can help you. Get through this tough. One day at a time please.
     
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  11. ms1

    ms1 New Member


    I just want to say thank you for sharing. I joined tonight bcs I felt desperate and at the end of my line, knowing I couldn't talk to anyone I know about how I'm feeling but wanting so badly to relate to someone and you just said so much of what I've been feeling. Suicide hasn't ever been a real option for me bcs of my family, specifically my mom, but now more and more recently I've begun to consider it and look into different and methods, something that wouldn't haunt my mother forever, and it's a little overwhelming. I know how you feel about your medication too, I don't blame you for not wanting to take it if it's altering the creativity of your brain. My (ex) therapist used to tell me, "its a small price to pay for your sanity" but I always felt like giving up a major part of who I am, a part of me that inspires happiness, isn't up for sale. It's such a double ended sword. I thought I was going somewhere with this but realized I'm just rambling too. Anyway, thanks again so much for sharing, I really needed to hear your words.
     
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  12. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    Thank you! I'm feeling something horrible right now but like you say, one day at a time. It'll be ok
     
  13. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    No, you're not rambling. It just feels good to let everything you might have been bottling up out. I understand that. I'm glad reading my post has helped, even if only a bit. Just knowing there are others out there that feel the same can make a difference. I'm afraid I have no real advice, mostly because I'm feeling it too right now but know you're never alone and when you feel at your worst, there'll always be someone here who will listen and understand. Thank you and take care of yourself
     
  14. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Hi just wanted to say welcome , I'm pretty new here too .. Although I babble prob way too much .. I get the feeling you said about feeling trapped .. I have so many thoughts of wanting to die but it's like I can't because of the other people it would hurt .. So I'm trapped inside this life of misery ..

    I don't take most of the meds I'm suppose to either for a million and one different reason .. Mostly cause they all lead to different side effects that just drive me insane so i tend to feel like what's the use ?

    And I asked my therapist the same question the other day .. Can therapy really work .. Can it take my thoughts and feelings away and make me one of the happy people .. She seems to think so.. But idk .. Im not 1000% with her
     
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  15. Sooz

    Sooz Member

    It seems like something that must take a lot of effort and when you're not feeling well enough to get up in a morning I'm pretty sure you're not feeling up to sticking to things that might help in therapy. I don't know...like you, I just don't know whether it will really do much good. If your therapist thinks it will I guess that's somewhere to start. I seriously hope it does help and for you too. Thank you for commenting. Since writing here I've felt some of that loneliness disappear, that feeling no one else is going through what I am. Now I know for sure there are so many others. But knowing that is pretty depressing in itself. So many of us dealing with these feelings and still there's little help for us. Thanks again :)
     
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