New here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by seed11, Feb 16, 2014.

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  1. seed11

    seed11 Member

    Hey everyone, I'm new so here is my introduction. I'm not always suicidal, it just doesn't take much to push me over the edge. I don't have any friends who I could trust sharing these feelings with, just empty nihilist clubbers, drinking buddies and party drug users who don't even like me anyway (I'm sort of bottom of the pile in this group, I always get insulted and when I get upset it's because I can't take a joke apparently). I'm in the kind of ultra conservative family where asking to go to therapy or whatever isn't really an option as well, so as a result, whoever reads this first will be the first person to ever hear how I feel about life. Ok so if you were to sit next to me in college or have a conversation with me you wouldn't know how unstable and mentally screwed up I am. As a result I have become pretty damn good at faking my emotions, and even on days when I want to <mod edit method> you wouldn't have a clue. On the inside, I'm extremely unstable, and I find that if bad stuff happens to me I get serious suicidal thoughts. I've even planned it, and if ever I just decide "that's it, I've had enough", it would be a<mod edit - methods>, because it would be completely painless and probs quite nice actually (I don't take heroin, just so you know). If anybody wrongs me badly, I skip anger completely and experience pure rage (yes I have frequently wanted to kill certain people). I'm pretty sure my problems started in school, where I suffered extremely bad emotional bullying and manipulation from multiple people and groups. I was too nice and too naively kind for that kind of school, hatred towards me was everywhere, people who were my friends turned on me, others simply revealed that they were never my friend in the first place. They took the joy out of a child and turned it to bitterness and hate, just because they found it funny. I figured that, statistically, some people are BOUND to have bad luck at nearly every turn, that if there are X amount of people who experience any given situation, a certain percentage will just have a generally shitty time for no other reason than it statistically had to be SOMEONE. This was me in school, and life in general, as I didn't do anything to piss anyone off, it just so happened that bullies need someone to bully, and multiple bullies saw a target in me at the same time. Of course, it's not just their fault, I have always been timid and passive in social situations. I'm not going to go into details about the bullying, but it was bad, bad enough to make me self harm and seriously consider suicide as an option. I talked about the feelings of killing those people, well those feeling come around as a result of the idea that anyone who make me want to kill myself deserves to die. I don't self harm any more, because my life has gotten a little better and I know how addictive it can be, sometimes it's hard though man. I'm joining this forum as an outlet for my anger and bad feelings, because truth be told I have been suffering in silence for too long. I WANT to get better. So to summarize... Hello. I'm 18, male, have the shitty combo of above average intelligence but zero motivation, have never had a real friend, have never had a girlfriend, am bitter, unstable and cynical, have no idea where the hell my life is going, and for the most part wake up feeling suicidal.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found us here. It certainly sounds like oyu could use a place to talk and vent about your experiences. I would be far less concerned about worrying what your conservative family might think- if you are having lot of depression and suicidal thoughts than go to a Dr for any reason you want to tell them and when you get inside discuss what the issue is.. I am sure your parents do not walk into the Dr office and sit down with you anymore so help is available. S far as your "friends" go , yes , it sounds like you need to rethink who you want your friends to be. Hopefully getting the chance to talk a little bit here will help as well.
  3. seed11

    seed11 Member

    I know exactly what you mean but I have literally nobody else. On one hand, they really suck but on the other hand I think in a way it helps, because I know my depression would be 10x worse if I never went out and talked to people. The main thing is that I KNOW that they aren't real friends, and I just use them. But yeah thank you for the warm welcome and thank you for basically the nicest most honest human contact I've had in years. :)
  4. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I am glad you were able to find this site. It has been helpful for me and I hope it will be for you as well. I would hope you can find a way to see a doctor as well. Professional help is worth the trouble. Keep posting and communicating here, I was able to vent a bit and that has helped. Medication though is what easy my suicidal thoughts best though so I really hope you can seek professional help as well. Wishing you did not have to experience this pain.
  5. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey and welcome to this site. I'm pretty new too and can tell you, if you jump right in it's a great place to find comfort and support. It's really great that you reached out for help; that is a very important first step. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and I'll bet that's really overwhelming. You said asking your family about therapy isn't an option; is there a counselor at school you can utilize?

    Again, I'm sorry you are in a rough period and really hope you find the support and tools you need to get yourself where you want to be.
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hey seed, I'm glad that you found this site, and sorry to hear about all of your troubles. You've found a great place to open up, be heard out, and hopefully find some good people to talk to. I know you said you would be more depressed without these friends of yours, but it sounds like they are keeping you down. I no longer have friends I spend time with, because most of them were users or liars or didn't care about me at all. I don't like much being alone, but I think I rather would be than being with people who don't really care about me. I know it might be hard for you to sever these ties if you want the social contact, but it may be beneficial for you in the long run. You only deserve those who will bring you up, not down.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am really sorry that you have gone through so much with the bullying and depression etc. Do you think it would be possible to secretly go to a college counselor? Or even secretly go to your doctor? You are 18 now. So I believe that the doctor would have to get permission to even tell your family. Or find a different doctor? You could ask the doctor if they are willing to keep what you say confidential from your family. Then if they say yes, you know. Of course there may be a reason why you have not already done this.

    I am glad you are here. I think if you post often you will get to know people here. There are many suvivors of bullying here. And people would never bully another person. If they did, they would be banned. Its a safe good place.
    So :welcome:
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