Hey everyone, I'm new so here is my introduction. I'm not always suicidal, it just doesn't take much to push me over the edge. I don't have any friends who I could trust sharing these feelings with, just empty nihilist clubbers, drinking buddies and party drug users who don't even like me anyway (I'm sort of bottom of the pile in this group, I always get insulted and when I get upset it's because I can't take a joke apparently). I'm in the kind of ultra conservative family where asking to go to therapy or whatever isn't really an option as well, so as a result, whoever reads this first will be the first person to ever hear how I feel about life. Ok so if you were to sit next to me in college or have a conversation with me you wouldn't know how unstable and mentally screwed up I am. As a result I have become pretty damn good at faking my emotions, and even on days when I want to <mod edit method> you wouldn't have a clue. On the inside, I'm extremely unstable, and I find that if bad stuff happens to me I get serious suicidal thoughts. I've even planned it, and if ever I just decide "that's it, I've had enough", it would be a<mod edit - methods>, because it would be completely painless and probs quite nice actually (I don't take heroin, just so you know). If anybody wrongs me badly, I skip anger completely and experience pure rage (yes I have frequently wanted to kill certain people). I'm pretty sure my problems started in school, where I suffered extremely bad emotional bullying and manipulation from multiple people and groups. I was too nice and too naively kind for that kind of school, hatred towards me was everywhere, people who were my friends turned on me, others simply revealed that they were never my friend in the first place. They took the joy out of a child and turned it to bitterness and hate, just because they found it funny. I figured that, statistically, some people are BOUND to have bad luck at nearly every turn, that if there are X amount of people who experience any given situation, a certain percentage will just have a generally shitty time for no other reason than it statistically had to be SOMEONE. This was me in school, and life in general, as I didn't do anything to piss anyone off, it just so happened that bullies need someone to bully, and multiple bullies saw a target in me at the same time. Of course, it's not just their fault, I have always been timid and passive in social situations. I'm not going to go into details about the bullying, but it was bad, bad enough to make me self harm and seriously consider suicide as an option. I talked about the feelings of killing those people, well those feeling come around as a result of the idea that anyone who make me want to kill myself deserves to die. I don't self harm any more, because my life has gotten a little better and I know how addictive it can be, sometimes it's hard though man. I'm joining this forum as an outlet for my anger and bad feelings, because truth be told I have been suffering in silence for too long. I WANT to get better. So to summarize... Hello. I'm 18, male, have the shitty combo of above average intelligence but zero motivation, have never had a real friend, have never had a girlfriend, am bitter, unstable and cynical, have no idea where the hell my life is going, and for the most part wake up feeling suicidal.