Hello, I am new to this community and I would like to take a moment to introduce myself to everyone here. I am 28 years old, and I have been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for the majority of my life. I am here because due to my current situation, I am unable to seek professional help for my condition and I am simply in need of someone to talk to regarding how I feel. I do not really have an outlet in my day-to-day life. I am hoping that while I am here, I may receive some helpful advice regarding how I may handle my condition, because it has gotten so bad that I am beginning to become afraid of and for myself. I am usually alone in my life, but in this respect I cannot continue by myself and really need someone to talk to from time to time. Things have gotten so out of control in my life, I find myself at times unable to recall as to whether something in my life really happened or whether I imagined or dreamed it. In the last two years, I have suffered a lot of loss and, as can be expected, this has done me no favors regarding my condition. My past attempts to reach out to people in my life and ask for help have either been ignored, or I have been flat- out told that it's not something that anyone wants to deal with. The people in my life are becoming exasperated with my mental state, to the point that they are beginning to avoid me; yet, whenever it is that I try to do them a favor and keep myself away from them when I'm upset, they become angry with me for withdrawing from them. It's very stressful for me, and it's making me feel that it would be better for everyone if I just left and didn't come back. I feel like I'm intruding on my friends while they're trying to live their lives. I'm not necessarily suicidal 24/7, but it really varies from hour to hour. I can honestly say that even when I'm not necessarily feeling suicidal, I still cannot bring myself to find anything about life to enjoy. I'm now at the point where there is just nothing in this world that I want, and that scares me. It's very hard for me to participate in much of anything, and when I do, I do not enjoy it. I have been desperate to begin seeing a therapist about all of this, but my financial situation is so bad that I cannot spare a penny to go toward one and I have no insurance at the moment. I've tried calling a suicide hotline when things have gotten particularly bad, but I found the people with whom I spoke to be wanting in compassion. They just sounded like robots who kept asking me if I had anything sharp around me, so I have given up trying to talk to them. I'm also worried about talking to a therapist, because I'm terrified of being hospitalized. Many members of my family are familiar with psychiatric care facilities, being either patients or faculty. My mother is a clinical psychologist, and my brother has worked as a patient care tech on the psych unit of a hospital where we both used to work. I have seen how patients are treated and I am terrified of ending up on the wrong side of those doors. I know not all psychiatric facilities treat their patients badly, but I am such a private person that I do not think that I would make much progress in a place like that, mostly because I would be so uncomfortable and frightened. It also scares me that I am so uncomfortable with being in a psych unit that I don't think I would go to one even if my life were absolutely on the point of being in danger. I just want all of this to stop, and I am so exhausted from feeling alone. My condition makes me feel like I am not even a person, and that is actually how I view myself: just some lesser lifeform wandering around who has to put up with all the difficulties and obligations of life, but who is given none of the enjoyment that is supposed to make all this struggling worthwhile. I've lost faith in absolutely everything; I'm not making a threat but this is my last resort. I really need to stop swallowing my pain and making myself deal with this alone. I am hoping that while I'm here, I can find some kind of answer that will help me want to keep going.