Two years ago I was diagnosed with lynch syndrome. Its a genetic abnormality that makes you 85% more likely to get cancer, all types. A year later I tested positive for precursors for at least one type of cancer. I have seen 6 of my family members die from this, 2 others are currently fighting it. But its not a fight one can win, every time you start to get control of one type of cancer the lynch syndrome seems to mutate or move to a new location in your body or both. My father actually added a new type of sarcoma that the best doctors in the country had not seen yet. After finding out about this my girlfriend who I was very much in love with decided to shop around for something better, I had to outright ask her before she told me, she wanted to work things out but refused to let go of the other guy as they were now "best friends". Told me she was not going to choose between us even though she knew I was not able to deal with him being in the picture. So I left, lost my job, been on and off the road for the last 2 years about broke and borderline homeless. I don't sleep well, every time I try my brain floods with everything that happened and the things I can not cope with. This also seems to kick my depression into full swing. Back to the health aspect, judging from what I have seen first hand, I have maybe 3 years until I will be in a situation of needing major surgery in order to continue my existence. I am currently 36 and most likely wont see 40. Thought of suicide are constant and daily, may as well be my imaginary friend at this point. Its not that I wish to die but rather that I would prefer to die at a time and place of my own choosing than go through the slow hell that I have seen my family members suffer through. I plan on it once I know for sure that the cancer had set in. But lately it has gotten harder to find reasons to wait for that. Any hopes and dreams I had are gone along with interests, hobbies, and the motivation for just about anything. Trying to find hope or love or happiness seems pointless or even very much cruel to the other person considering I have an expiration date so close. More often than no I just want to go ahead with the plan and finally rest. I am so very very tired.