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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morwin, Sep 9, 2015.

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  1. Morwin

    Morwin New Member

    Two years ago I was diagnosed with lynch syndrome. Its a genetic abnormality that makes you 85% more likely to get cancer, all types. A year later I tested positive for precursors for at least one type of cancer. I have seen 6 of my family members die from this, 2 others are currently fighting it. But its not a fight one can win, every time you start to get control of one type of cancer the lynch syndrome seems to mutate or move to a new location in your body or both. My father actually added a new type of sarcoma that the best doctors in the country had not seen yet.

    After finding out about this my girlfriend who I was very much in love with decided to shop around for something better, I had to outright ask her before she told me, she wanted to work things out but refused to let go of the other guy as they were now "best friends". Told me she was not going to choose between us even though she knew I was not able to deal with him being in the picture. So I left, lost my job, been on and off the road for the last 2 years about broke and borderline homeless.

    I don't sleep well, every time I try my brain floods with everything that happened and the things I can not cope with. This also seems to kick my depression into full swing.

    Back to the health aspect, judging from what I have seen first hand, I have maybe 3 years until I will be in a situation of needing major surgery in order to continue my existence. I am currently 36 and most likely wont see 40.

    Thought of suicide are constant and daily, may as well be my imaginary friend at this point. Its not that I wish to die but rather that I would prefer to die at a time and place of my own choosing than go through the slow hell that I have seen my family members suffer through. I plan on it once I know for sure that the cancer had set in. But lately it has gotten harder to find reasons to wait for that. Any hopes and dreams I had are gone along with interests, hobbies, and the motivation for just about anything. Trying to find hope or love or happiness seems pointless or even very much cruel to the other person considering I have an expiration date so close. More often than no I just want to go ahead with the plan and finally rest. I am so very very tired.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I understand chronic/ terminal illness very well and have had a more than 2 years to argue/ think / deal with it. In favt nearly 5 now, more than was told would likely have. In that time have seen many people with no such diagnosis die from accidents or get sick go down and die from natural causes while i still am here. A diagnosis like that does not have an end date even though we would like to put one in our mind. The real truth is we have no way of knowing even after diagnosis if we will live longer or shorter than anybody sitting in the room with us or reading this post. Every person ever born was born with a terminal diagnosis - we all die. Perhaps you and I have a better idea of what will be the most likely cause then some others, but we have no better idea of the when than anybody else even if we claim we do. Likelihoods and statistics are number games for the foolish and deciding what you have time for and do not have time for I found caused me to waste 3 years for no good reason when (in retrospect) I was not even overly sick/ symptomatic compared to now.

    The girlfriend is a bigger issue and one that really hurts and may make you feel like you want to die for a while. But if terminal did you really want to pull her down that road with you? I know that is one of the things I cannot stand and makes me suicidal- hating pulling my wife/family down this road with me when is nothing I can do about it. I often feel like I would be much happier if they left so not have to deal with this- then I think for a bit and realize how ridiculous that is too.

    The point is things hurt and make us feel bad and when we have an excuse like going to die anyway it makes suicide seem to make so much sense. But everybody has that same excuse in reality- like all people that are hurting we choose to see things in the way we want to see them is all and become self involved. As soon as we become less self involved we can start to enjoy things and be decent company to people again and start enjoying our unknown amount time (just like everybody else) just a little bit again.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
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