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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SunShine1973, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    I just wanted to say hi I'm really struggling to see the point to my life if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a mother I would have given up on life altogether I've recently been ill and am off work until next week and I'm really struggling to exist at the moment I don't even know how to put it into words how I feel I'm lost and am finding it really hard to find the strength to live through each day
     
  2. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi @SunShine1973,

    I'm really sorry you're feeling this bad. I'm glad your kid(s) have kept you going, but I'm sorry you're in such a dark place, illness and all.

    Is it the illness that has brought you here? It sounds as though it's more than that. I know it's hard to find the words, but if you can tell us a bit more, we will try to help.

    Hugs
     
    SunShine1973 likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum.
     
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  4. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Thank you just can't quit. I've had problems with depression in the past but I had been dealing with it and getting on with life but for the last couple of weeks I've had this illness which is a virus/cold/flu type thing which makes it sound like I'm being very dramatic but I just can't cope with it I just don't want to be awake it's as much as I can do to get up and make my family a meal for the end of the day sometimes I haven't even been able to do that and I have thought that if it wasn't for my children I would be better off just not being here anymore I am off work with the illness and supposed to be going back next Wednesday but I really need some more time to recover and be able to do more than just get out of bed my job is demanding and I'm just not recovered enough from this virus or my now mental state of thinking that there is no way forward there are a lot of people with much worse problems than me I just feel desperate at the moment I am in therapy at the moment for some historic rape and abuse issues I just feel totally trapped and I don't know how to move forward
     
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Sunshine,

    I think a lot of the time we compare our situations to others because we don't feel we deserve to feel bad for our particular reasons. It's a face that some people suffer more than me, but my reasons are just as valid and so are yours. Try not to add guilt to what you're going through! I know exactly how you feel btw. I'm not a mom but I take care of my bf and our 6 pets. For me, that is more than enough. Yesterday I had a particularly bad day only because I felt like I did too much and I was suffering a migraine. That migraine pushed my emotions over the edge and I felt completely overwhelmed. Have you talked about what's going on lately with your therapist? Maybe he/she can recommend you take some time off work?
     
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  6. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Well, bad flus tend to make people depressed all by themselves--and you obviously have enough to deal with when you don't have the flu. It's not a surprise you feel completely overwhelmed.

    Try not to think ahead right now. Right now, you're off work and you've got nearly five days yet. Just be off work. Try to distract yourself from the worries and just rest. The down side of this flu, I think, is that it has given you time to think but too little strength to make any plans for yourself or feel you could face them if you did.

    So, yes. Distract and rest. Let yourself recover. Once you're better, there will be opportunities to make move yourself forward.
     
  7. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Hi Frances thank you so much for your reply thanks for validating my reasons for feeling so bad I do need to remind myself not to add guilt into the mix and I do think I am doing this my therapist said that I put a lot of guilt onto myself she also said I need to be kinder to myself I find it interesting how you said you became overwhelmed by your emotions because of your migraine and I feel totally overwhelmed by my responsibilities at the moment and really don't feel like I can face work again yet but I have this internal bullying going on of myself too as if I'm just being dramatic I have this constant internal dialogue of being mean to myself but thank you for hearing me and thank you so much for your reply
     
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  8. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Just can't quit thank you so much for your reply thank you for saying that the flu has a way of making people depressed all by itself you have made me feel like I have a valid reason for feeling depressed as I have been being a bully to myself telling myself that I'm just lazy and making a drama I think you are right that I've had a lot of time to think but not the strength to plan ahead I think I am getting myself worried about what people at work will think of me for being off work even though I genuinely feel dreadful I'm scared people will judge me or not believe me just by getting this out I am realising that like my therapist has said I'm really not very kind to myself I also have 2 children to care for and a dog and I'm a single parent I find work home life balance a struggle even when I'm feeling physically well I used to have a massive drink problem and went into rehab last year and although I thankfully don't drink anymore and have no desire to I still haven't properly rebuilt my life yet I'm still searching for what I want in life and what makes me happy so I don't find life easy anyway and this illness has really pushed me to the edge thank you so so much for listening to me and for your words it's really helped me thank you
     
  9. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    The "internal bullying" is society and their views on what you should be doing. The hell with society lol...;) The thing with me is that I'm ruled by emotions, plus I have emotional disorders left and right. When something goes wrong or is too much it's my emotions that get battered. That feeling that I'm doing too much is very overwhelming, and all I did yesterday was groom the dogs, do a little gardening and make a homemade pasta dinner. "Normal" people can handle ten times more than that, but I now know my limits. That comes from therapy and learning about myself through self-therapy though. You know, when I burned out, I had my doctor recommend time off. I still got paid through workman's comp. Maybe it's something you should look into to help you figure things out.
     
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  10. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    I so like your to hell with society comment ☺️ My emotions take a battering to and certainly have at the moment and I feel it's going to take me sometime to recover and be able to be back to my normal functioning capacity which is probably a lot lower than most people anyway it's so good to talk to you Frances and feel understood I'm really happy you have taken the time to speak to me
     
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  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    You're welcome :) I have many more choice words to say about humanity in general, but you know, I choose to live my life alone, well, just with my bf and fur kids. I'm just not interested in being a part of this world, yet I still love Nature and my little family so I've become a hermit of sorts. My capacity is lower too, but that doesn't make me a lesser invaluable person, I hope you don't think that way. And don't be shy about asking for time off, as long as you can get paid for it. Life is hard in our times, harder for more people than want to admit it. I hope you find some relief. xx
     
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  12. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    You have made me feel a lot more valuable person and have helped me get some perspective about what's going on for me and what I have to do to get through this I really appreciate your time Xx
     
    Frances M likes this.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi sunshine, I also have a historic rape issue, I know just how hard it is and how the flashbacks can really upset you. You need to see a therapist, are you seeing one already? Therapy and acceptance has helped me so much. I hope you can get through this, without wanting to make you feel guilty, your kids need and love you, that is reason enough to stay here and stay fighting these demons. Together we will get you through this and it is lovely to ''meet'' you :) I look forward to seeing you around the forums/in the chatroom. You can do this =)
     
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  14. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Hi petal I am seeing a therapist not been going to long only had about 3 sessions so far but I do think it's helping my children do keep me going and you are right that they really are a reason to keep going thank you so much for your your reply and support it really helps to be around those who understand nice to meet you too Xx