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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jryan3434, Sep 3, 2007.

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  1. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    I am 25 and have wanted to die every single day, without exception, for about 5 years. There are a few reasons, but an accident causing partial sexual dysfunction is one of them, which should be sufficient at least for the men to understand that this is a permanent situation.

    The only reason I dont do it is that I am an only child and I know that it would destroy my parents, who are good people, especially my Dad. At the same time, I know it is already hurting them to see me like this, as I went from a rediculously successful person to a f... up in a very short time. Even though I am ashamed for not honoring them they way they deserve by living a strong, admirable life, I know that it would be even worse for them if I killed myself, at least I think it would be. My only goal left in life is to survive until the time they are both dead, without humiliating them too much by what I have become, and then I will have the freedom to end this sick charade. I dont mean to depress anyone, but after 5 years, it really hasnt gotten any better, and I still have a long way to go. It's sad isnt it, that my love for my parents is the only reason I stay alive, while at the same time I guess I will be relieved at their deaths. I am ashamed of this as well. Sometimes I put the barrel of my loaded shotgun in my mouth and put my finger on the trigger, just to feel slightly comforted for a few seconds.

    For a long time I tried to find a meaning in the things that have happened to me. I tried to find out why I deserved this, and what lessons I was supposed to learn from it. I explored just about every religion, every philosophy, and it all comes up empty for me. In the end I am always forced to return to the logical scientific reality that we are simply genetic computers programmed by our envirionment to act in certain ways, and that even the idea that we make independent choices is an illusion. My suffering has no more meaning than that of the tiny organisms that are crushed under my feet when I go for a walk in the woods.

    I have not totally discounted the idea of god, but I have pretty much discounted any notion that there is a purpose in his creation, or that he is any more moral than your average genocidal dictator. On the few occasions when I think he might exist, I despise him with all my heart. In a way I feel that somehow by not giving in for my parents sake, when I die I can look god in the eye and say that I tried to do the right thing, which is far more responsibility than he ever took for his miserable and suffering creation. I will prove myself to be his moral superior. Obviously these are just the silly fantasies of a deranged person losing their mind, but they still offer comfort from time to time. I think that if god does exist (and usually I dont) he is either a pure sadist, or he is like a spoiled, lonely child who takes no responsibility for anything he does or creates. If I could, I would kill him.

    That being said, I would like to say hello to everyone, as this is my first post. I hope most of you are doing better than I am, although I guess if you are here you are probably pretty miserable too. Well as they say misery loves company, so here I am. By the way, I don't mean to offend or marginalize anyone who derives hope from a belief in god, as I admit that sometimes in spite of my pride I break down and talk to him on the off chance that I deserve this and it means something. If I ever find any evidence that god exists and is a benevolent perfect being, I will change my stance.

    Oh and one more thing, I have always done well in school and am back taking pre-reqs for grad school. However, given my depression and sexual frustration, I find it extremely difficult to focus on my work. Does anyone have any advice on this?

    Thanks for reading.

  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Firstly, welcome to the forum and I hope that you find what you are looking for here.

    I am sorry that you are here under the circumstances that you are. I understand where you are coming from about destroying your parents if you do take that step, I'm also glad that you have decided to stay and come here for some help.

    Again welcome, and I hope you find what youa re looking for.
  3. IamNOTstrong

    IamNOTstrong Member

    Hi John,

    I'm new here too. I can't imagine your frustration. Your love for your parents is the same burden that keeps me alive every day for my kids. I've kept all this inside for so long and never even did a Google search for suicide until last night... that's when I found this forum. I'm glad you're here.
  4. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Thank you to those who replied. That must be even tougher having kids and being in your situation. What has led you to this point? How old are they?
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Welcome John :hug:

    feel free to pm me anytime you want to.. i am here most every day..

    if you have flash installed on your computer i encourage you to view the following 3 short flash movies... if you dont have flash you can get it for free just let someone know and they can provide you with a link.. if you only have time to view just one then please view number 3..

    1 = in you i found me


    2 - so many roads


    3 - a fathers love letter to us


    feel free to pm me anytime..

    love whitedove :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2007
  6. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome! I am hanging on here also because of my parents and my son. Reading your post, it made me feel as though I know you and have a lot of empathy for your situation. Feel free to PM me.
  7. IamNOTstrong

    IamNOTstrong Member

    Hi John,
    I hope you're still here. I haven't been on here in a while but wanted to check on you. My daughter just turned 18 and my son is 16. Feel free to PM me.
  8. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    Its good that you decided to get help instead of just end it. Though i cant personally say ive been in the situations you have, everyone here knows what its like to be depressed/suicidal. hope you find some help here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2007
  9. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum sir. I too stick around because I can't hurt my friends/family. Hopefully shit pans out for you, somehow.
  10. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    No Im still here. I haven't PMed anyone because it is usually better for me not to get too personal with others about my problems because it is somewhat embarrasing, and often I just want to keep to myself and try to not think or talk about them for a while. I do appreciate the support though, and if anyone wants to PM me they are welcome to, and I will reply as time permits.
  11. ectoplasm

    ectoplasm New Member

    First off, I can only guess what the sexual dysfunction is. But there's more than one way to sexually please a woman. You can make up what you may lack, in other ways. If you're gifted orally, that goes a long way with many women. Just ask the women here. You can get tips about it online of course, but communicating with the woman you're with and asking what she likes is where it counts. Also, for many women, they don't base a relationship on: if this is too small, or that happens too quick, or this works, or that doesn't. They base it on how the man makes them feel. If they feel loved, protected, respected, things like that. Any understanding, loving woman would look past what you may lack, to how you make her feel. Those women ARE out there. So, don't be down on not being able to sexually please a woman. You can be better at many other things and she'll appreciate it.

    I can relate to how you feel not wanting to do it because how it would effect the people around you. When I went through similar experiences, I came to the conclusion that suicide is a very selfish act. If you kill yourself, then it's over. Over for you. But for the people around you, it will mess with their lives for years and probably their lifetime. That's a horrible burden to put on the people around you. I was where you are now, for a while, but those feelings of suicide did subside. I admit, I still have the very occasional "well if this doesn't work out, I can always end it". But then I snap back into reality. The reality that it's not the right answer. You're still young, I'm in my 40s now and I went through my depression in my late teens and early 20s. If I would have commited suicide then, I would have missed out on so many things. So many positive things that have happened in my life. I can't sit here and say "Oh your life will be great in the future everything will be perfect". Because in reality, life just sucks sometimes. But even through the "suckiness" great things happen that make life worth living. Good luck to you.
  12. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I can feel your pain.

    I'm actually doing same thing with my own life; I'm just loitering around and passing some time which actually makes me sick at the same time considering that my parents are old now.i really want to fulfill their dreams but the fear of outside world is so intimidating that i'm unable to do anything.
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    welcome john, glad you found us here.
    sorry to hear about your life but if you ever need to talk then there are loads of people here to listen.
    please don't feel ashamed about how you feel, we understand.
    take care
  14. tilly

    tilly Member

    I think a lot of people stay alive to protect the ones they love. By killing yourself you take away your own pain, but you plant it deeply in the heart and soul of the people who love you. And they can never escape it. They carry the pain with them every day for the rest of their lives.

    I'm glad you have people in your life that you love enough to keep you fighting your demons. And they are very lucky to have you. You must truly love them. Things do get better with time, you just have to wait. Keep strong.
  15. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Thanks again for the support guys.
  16. IamNOTstrong

    IamNOTstrong Member

    Just wanted to jump on and see how you're doing these days.
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