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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by joyless56, Oct 5, 2007.

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  1. joyless56

    joyless56 Member

    My mother killed herself when I was 19. I didn't completely understand why - she never really talked about it. She was a bitch to me growing up - critical of everything I did. I hated her. Then when my father died, when I was 17, I ended up taking care of her...she kind of fell apart...couldn't cook or drive...she tried to OD once, and I think one other time...I went away to college a month before she finally did it..by hanging.

    I've got a son. I've sworn I'd never do that to him. So I just survive; sometimes that's the best I can do. I've gone to therapy, seen a psychiatrist (let's throw some meds at this woman), and most recently, he's sent me to a shrink who thinks I need to commit to (at least) three years of therapy.

    I have tried SO HARD to get it together. I can see the sunshine and think how good it would be if I could enjoy it. I go to work, I come home.

    I've gathered my pets around me - two dogs and four cats - all in an attempt to keep myself feeling needed. If I left them, where would they be? Being all they've got...keeps me alive.

    But I've begun to think about how to engineer my death. I want to make it easy on everyone...especially my son and my pets. It may take years...I'm not one to abandon my pets [my son is a senior in college; I will make sure he gets launched].

    The alternative would be to not feel this way! Can it really happen? After 35 years of trying..so hard...to find some joy, some meaning to my life.

    I know that life is a gift. And I know that there are thousands, millions of wonderful things in the world to experience. But I find no joy. Each moment is an effort. I get up, go to work, come home...it is all an effort. Do most people find meaning in all that? Do most people have to force themselves to get out of bed, dress, go to work? Do most people avoid others..phone calls...invitations to go out...?

    I suppose I will just continue to show up. For awhile anyways, until I can figure out a way to go without hurting someone else.
  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Please try to hang in there. Your son needs you. Perhaps you could try to talk to a doc??
  3. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    hey ya babe! :D
    im sorry what uve gone through :(
    but i hope u feel good here.
    and i welcome u.
  4. npain42long

    npain42long Active Member

    hello. you sound like you took the words out of head and put them down for everyone else to see. i too get up go to work come home. surround myself with pers to feel needed. and then i look out and wonder how can i go as quietly as possible, not hurt anyone else doing it, and get relief from the pain. good question, no answers yet. but i am bound and determined to find the answers i need whether it be i stay alive and become a happier person, or i die and leave a life full of anguish. hang in there, maybe we can find the answers together.
  5. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    what a hectic life you've had how terrible it must have been growing up :hug:
    I cant even begin to imagine
    Welcome to SF honey
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You were forced to grow up quickly as a child. It must have been difficult for you. I am glad you chose to stay around for your son. It doesn't matter how old he is, he will always need you. The loss of someone to suicide is hard on anyone, especially if they are loved.
    You asked if most people had to force themselves to go to work, accept invitations etc. I know that you will find many people on this site that would answer yes to each one of those things. Isolation becomes a friend when you are depressed. Even the simplest things become a chore. You are right that better things are waiting out there. Finding them can be difficult to do. Hold on to that hope you have that they really do exist and someday you will once again find it. Someday you may have grandchildren and great grandchildren. They can bring joy beyond anything you have known before. This awaits you in the future. Keep searching and don't give up. :hug:
  7. mb75

    mb75 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel..... just hold on and live one day at a time..... Your son will always need you around.
    I too hang in there for my 2 daughters, ages 2 and 8.... I don't think I would be here if it weren't for them... sometimes I sit thinking when would they be old enough so I can be free to disappear but then I think that they will never be old enough.. I think that they will want me there for their graduation, for their wedding, fo when they have children, so is there really a time when they won't need us?
    I've suffered from depression for years and no matter what meds they put me on it doesn't help.... I don't see doctors anymore and my life everyday is just routine. wake up, drop girls to school, work, pick up girls from school, cook, get them ready for the next day and that's it.
    I can't remember the last time I went out to a social event or even to a movie.... I don't accept invitations to go anywhere... it is just too difficult to leave home.. I hate how solitude feels , yet I rather chose that, than to go out or meet friends.
    Life is too much for us to handle sometimes, but I guess we just have to wait till it is ready to take us nd in the mean time we just hold on to whatever we can hold on to.
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