Hi.
I'm Liam, and I'm currently a Xanax haze away from posting in the crisis forum (obviously not taken for recreational purposes).
I don't know where to begin. To get it out of the way first, I'm transgendered -- I'm biologically female (and still living as such) am on the fence about starting transition, and this is one of the biggest sources of depression lately. :poo: I suppose I'll attempt a sort of "life story", though that seems really fucking self-centered.
I just turned 26, and I've despised myself since I was about 7 years old, when I was hit with the triple whammy of developing trichotillomania (a disorder which causes compulsive hair-pulling; I still don't know why I do it, and I hate my inability to stop), having my gender dysphoria first really spring up, and being bullied regularly (mostly because of my hair and being fat). By the time I was 11, I was announcing that I wanted to kill myself and was accordingly sent to a pdoc whom I really did not want to talk to. I was put on Prozac and, later, Paxil. Neither helped and both caused unpleasant short-term memory problems.
I was on home instruction for about a year and a half during junior high/middle school due to a knee problem and also because the bullying had intensified so much I think I would have killed myself if I'd stayed. Although I really needed that escape, I think the period of isolation increased my social anxiety and feeling of alienation.
High school went slightly better, although my social anxiety problems gradually increased until they basically became Avoidant Personality Disorder. I had planned to go to college immediately after graduating, but was too depressed and suicidal to have functioned in that environment. I ended up spending the next two years, instead, living in my parents' house (only leaving it twice during the entire period).
After that period, I met my boyfriend online and moved in with him to a very isolated small town, where we both sort of vegetated for six years. He's bipolar and our relationship hasn't been great much of the time -- he's cheated on me, and we currently seem to have sort of a symbiotic/codependent sort of relationship which isn't very healthy. This is the only relationship I've been in, and I frankly don't think anyone else could tolerate me. I still love him (as a person), but I've felt mentally single for the past year, since we had a massive fight, not that I've acted on it. To not paint him in such a negative light, I don't blame him for his frustration with me. I'm a really difficult and annoying person to live with.
Last year I had kind of a freak bout of motivation. I lost about 65 pounds (I'm seriously overweight) and applied to colleges. I'm currently in my first semester of college, and I had been doing well up until last month. Right now, though, I have 3 overdue papers and finals to prepare for. I just don't see how I can get it done. I hate myself so much that all I can think about is suicide, and this makes it impossible for me to function or focus on anything. I am constantly crying or self-injuring, it seems. I've been switching between insomnia and oversleeping like crazy (I'm not bipolar or anything; I just normally get insomnia except during the winter). I've also gained back some of the weight I lost, which sickens me.
My doctor recently put me on Wellbutrin/Bupropion, which seems to have made me more suicidal, and I've been cutting/hitting myself more than I have in years. Just the other day, he switched me to a lower dose of Wellbutrin and added Zoloft/Sertraline, which I'm not that optimistic about, given my previous problems with SSRIs.
Other things I forgot to mention: my mom has been recently diagnosed with early-stage cirrhosis and my brother has schizoaffective disorder (essentially a combination of schizophrenia and depression). They and a couple of other people are the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I don't really get along with my dad.
I've never had a job -- my parents are still financially supporting me -- which makes me feel even more disgusted with myself. I have no real talents/skills. If I can't handle a small amount of first-year college work, how could I ever hope to complete more intensive work or live in the "real world"?
Also, I have a massive "crush" on a friend of mine, and she just revealed to me that she has a crush on someone else. I'm really tired of that cycle, and I feel like I could never be that special to anyone (my boyfriend told me at one point that he settled for me because he was afraid to aim higher). I don't think I have any personality to speak of. Additionally, since she's also a freshman and I'm an "adult learner", she's about 8 years younger than me, which is probably too much of an age gap. It's frustrating because I still mentally feel 18 or so and like I've just lived in a comatose state for the past several years... when I think about reality, I get more disgusted with myself for pissing away all that time.
I realize that my problems are pretty trivial/pathetic (and most are self-induced), which just makes me feel even more worthless. I really am a sad, useless excuse for a human being, and I wish I could simply blink out of existence without hurting anyone. I fail at everything I try.
I don't know what else to write, and I deeply appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. Sorry it's so whiny/emo.
I'm at the point where I'm just hoping for someone to tell me it's all right to kill myself.
I'm Liam, and I'm currently a Xanax haze away from posting in the crisis forum (obviously not taken for recreational purposes).
I don't know where to begin. To get it out of the way first, I'm transgendered -- I'm biologically female (and still living as such) am on the fence about starting transition, and this is one of the biggest sources of depression lately. :poo: I suppose I'll attempt a sort of "life story", though that seems really fucking self-centered.
I just turned 26, and I've despised myself since I was about 7 years old, when I was hit with the triple whammy of developing trichotillomania (a disorder which causes compulsive hair-pulling; I still don't know why I do it, and I hate my inability to stop), having my gender dysphoria first really spring up, and being bullied regularly (mostly because of my hair and being fat). By the time I was 11, I was announcing that I wanted to kill myself and was accordingly sent to a pdoc whom I really did not want to talk to. I was put on Prozac and, later, Paxil. Neither helped and both caused unpleasant short-term memory problems.
I was on home instruction for about a year and a half during junior high/middle school due to a knee problem and also because the bullying had intensified so much I think I would have killed myself if I'd stayed. Although I really needed that escape, I think the period of isolation increased my social anxiety and feeling of alienation.
High school went slightly better, although my social anxiety problems gradually increased until they basically became Avoidant Personality Disorder. I had planned to go to college immediately after graduating, but was too depressed and suicidal to have functioned in that environment. I ended up spending the next two years, instead, living in my parents' house (only leaving it twice during the entire period).
After that period, I met my boyfriend online and moved in with him to a very isolated small town, where we both sort of vegetated for six years. He's bipolar and our relationship hasn't been great much of the time -- he's cheated on me, and we currently seem to have sort of a symbiotic/codependent sort of relationship which isn't very healthy. This is the only relationship I've been in, and I frankly don't think anyone else could tolerate me. I still love him (as a person), but I've felt mentally single for the past year, since we had a massive fight, not that I've acted on it. To not paint him in such a negative light, I don't blame him for his frustration with me. I'm a really difficult and annoying person to live with.
Last year I had kind of a freak bout of motivation. I lost about 65 pounds (I'm seriously overweight) and applied to colleges. I'm currently in my first semester of college, and I had been doing well up until last month. Right now, though, I have 3 overdue papers and finals to prepare for. I just don't see how I can get it done. I hate myself so much that all I can think about is suicide, and this makes it impossible for me to function or focus on anything. I am constantly crying or self-injuring, it seems. I've been switching between insomnia and oversleeping like crazy (I'm not bipolar or anything; I just normally get insomnia except during the winter). I've also gained back some of the weight I lost, which sickens me.
My doctor recently put me on Wellbutrin/Bupropion, which seems to have made me more suicidal, and I've been cutting/hitting myself more than I have in years. Just the other day, he switched me to a lower dose of Wellbutrin and added Zoloft/Sertraline, which I'm not that optimistic about, given my previous problems with SSRIs.
Other things I forgot to mention: my mom has been recently diagnosed with early-stage cirrhosis and my brother has schizoaffective disorder (essentially a combination of schizophrenia and depression). They and a couple of other people are the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I don't really get along with my dad.
I've never had a job -- my parents are still financially supporting me -- which makes me feel even more disgusted with myself. I have no real talents/skills. If I can't handle a small amount of first-year college work, how could I ever hope to complete more intensive work or live in the "real world"?
Also, I have a massive "crush" on a friend of mine, and she just revealed to me that she has a crush on someone else. I'm really tired of that cycle, and I feel like I could never be that special to anyone (my boyfriend told me at one point that he settled for me because he was afraid to aim higher). I don't think I have any personality to speak of. Additionally, since she's also a freshman and I'm an "adult learner", she's about 8 years younger than me, which is probably too much of an age gap. It's frustrating because I still mentally feel 18 or so and like I've just lived in a comatose state for the past several years... when I think about reality, I get more disgusted with myself for pissing away all that time.
I realize that my problems are pretty trivial/pathetic (and most are self-induced), which just makes me feel even more worthless. I really am a sad, useless excuse for a human being, and I wish I could simply blink out of existence without hurting anyone. I fail at everything I try.
I don't know what else to write, and I deeply appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. Sorry it's so whiny/emo.
I'm at the point where I'm just hoping for someone to tell me it's all right to kill myself.
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