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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by self_saboteur, Dec 13, 2009.

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  1. self_saboteur

    self_saboteur Member


    I'm Liam, and I'm currently a Xanax haze away from posting in the crisis forum (obviously not taken for recreational purposes).

    I don't know where to begin. To get it out of the way first, I'm transgendered -- I'm biologically female (and still living as such) am on the fence about starting transition, and this is one of the biggest sources of depression lately. :poo: I suppose I'll attempt a sort of "life story", though that seems really fucking self-centered.

    I just turned 26, and I've despised myself since I was about 7 years old, when I was hit with the triple whammy of developing trichotillomania (a disorder which causes compulsive hair-pulling; I still don't know why I do it, and I hate my inability to stop), having my gender dysphoria first really spring up, and being bullied regularly (mostly because of my hair and being fat). By the time I was 11, I was announcing that I wanted to kill myself and was accordingly sent to a pdoc whom I really did not want to talk to. I was put on Prozac and, later, Paxil. Neither helped and both caused unpleasant short-term memory problems.

    I was on home instruction for about a year and a half during junior high/middle school due to a knee problem and also because the bullying had intensified so much I think I would have killed myself if I'd stayed. Although I really needed that escape, I think the period of isolation increased my social anxiety and feeling of alienation.

    High school went slightly better, although my social anxiety problems gradually increased until they basically became Avoidant Personality Disorder. I had planned to go to college immediately after graduating, but was too depressed and suicidal to have functioned in that environment. I ended up spending the next two years, instead, living in my parents' house (only leaving it twice during the entire period).

    After that period, I met my boyfriend online and moved in with him to a very isolated small town, where we both sort of vegetated for six years. He's bipolar and our relationship hasn't been great much of the time -- he's cheated on me, and we currently seem to have sort of a symbiotic/codependent sort of relationship which isn't very healthy. This is the only relationship I've been in, and I frankly don't think anyone else could tolerate me. I still love him (as a person), but I've felt mentally single for the past year, since we had a massive fight, not that I've acted on it. To not paint him in such a negative light, I don't blame him for his frustration with me. I'm a really difficult and annoying person to live with.

    Last year I had kind of a freak bout of motivation. I lost about 65 pounds (I'm seriously overweight) and applied to colleges. I'm currently in my first semester of college, and I had been doing well up until last month. Right now, though, I have 3 overdue papers and finals to prepare for. I just don't see how I can get it done. I hate myself so much that all I can think about is suicide, and this makes it impossible for me to function or focus on anything. I am constantly crying or self-injuring, it seems. I've been switching between insomnia and oversleeping like crazy (I'm not bipolar or anything; I just normally get insomnia except during the winter). I've also gained back some of the weight I lost, which sickens me.

    My doctor recently put me on Wellbutrin/Bupropion, which seems to have made me more suicidal, and I've been cutting/hitting myself more than I have in years. Just the other day, he switched me to a lower dose of Wellbutrin and added Zoloft/Sertraline, which I'm not that optimistic about, given my previous problems with SSRIs.

    Other things I forgot to mention: my mom has been recently diagnosed with early-stage cirrhosis and my brother has schizoaffective disorder (essentially a combination of schizophrenia and depression). They and a couple of other people are the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I don't really get along with my dad.

    I've never had a job -- my parents are still financially supporting me -- which makes me feel even more disgusted with myself. I have no real talents/skills. If I can't handle a small amount of first-year college work, how could I ever hope to complete more intensive work or live in the "real world"?

    Also, I have a massive "crush" on a friend of mine, and she just revealed to me that she has a crush on someone else. I'm really tired of that cycle, and I feel like I could never be that special to anyone (my boyfriend told me at one point that he settled for me because he was afraid to aim higher). I don't think I have any personality to speak of. Additionally, since she's also a freshman and I'm an "adult learner", she's about 8 years younger than me, which is probably too much of an age gap. It's frustrating because I still mentally feel 18 or so and like I've just lived in a comatose state for the past several years... when I think about reality, I get more disgusted with myself for pissing away all that time.

    I realize that my problems are pretty trivial/pathetic (and most are self-induced), which just makes me feel even more worthless. I really am a sad, useless excuse for a human being, and I wish I could simply blink out of existence without hurting anyone. I fail at everything I try.

    I don't know what else to write, and I deeply appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. Sorry it's so whiny/emo.

    I'm at the point where I'm just hoping for someone to tell me it's all right to kill myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2009
  2. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    first i think your great! :)

    wow all you have that you wrote could be looked at on a good side

    if you werent feeling the down side of everything..... you arent settling when you have homework you're behind are having homework that you have yet to deal with when things appear more real (the haze you talked about that concerns me)

    one thing at time for you and you got a pretty good list

    you're on the fense about your know this and thats good cause when it comes up on your list you might find you have many ways to deal with it as you drift away from some of the more pressing things

    good that you joined here i see your life as much more important and well that you wrote here something i could read from you

    please try to stay safe till you feel up to dealing with your depression and depression drugs...the haze that concerns me is the toxic mix in your body today....thats created this all

    i noticed you did not write that today is your birthday so it might not be

    as for the couple of relationships you got going....i have my own issues so i thougth i would leave yours alone for maybe someone else to comment on with more distance than i ...i dont take it lightly just dont feel as comfident as you need me to be

    my hope is high that this reaches you with love and understanding...i see parts of your problems with school and family

    as for gender i have only seen so little mostly men turning into beautiful women....and that makes me worry about beauty if a gendered person is stuck in the sex not of their feelings...oh well dont have a good way to write that to you

    its been a long night for me with panic attacks i guess
  3. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, No one here will tell you it is okay to kill yourself. I could see a lot of me in what you wrote except for the transgendered issues. A friend on a different forum had many issues concerning this. I hope you keep on trying to get through this.
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