New here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unwanted, May 1, 2010.

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  1. Unwanted

    Unwanted New Member

    I just wrote basically my life story. Then I thought "how stupid" so I deleted it. I feel very tired. I am not sure what the point of writing anything is. I don't believe anyone cares. I don't believe that there is anything anyone can say that can help. I have a two year old. I'm not going to kill myself in the near future because I wouldn't do that to her. But I think about it all the time. I wonder what makes me so that it is impossible to love me. I must not be any good. It seems like everyone I know is loved by someone. I don't mean necessarily spouse or partner. A parent, a friend. I know my daughter loves me, but she is two. She will grow up and stop loving me, like my son did. The only adult I ever believed loved me was my husband, before we got married. Then we got married and he was terrible to me. I lost everyone but my daughter the last couple years. My son moved overseas, my father got remarried and is part of his wife's family now. He doesn't think he should care about us anymore because he has his new family that I guess are everything he ever wanted. Right before my daughter was born my best friend died. He was an elderly gentleman, a friend of my mother's, who's partner died, and his own family didn't care about him, I guess because he was gay. They couldn't accept him. So I took care of him. I wasn't expecting anything in return, but I got so much more than I gave. Okay, I lied. He loved me. Sometimes it was hard. I went over every saturday and sunday when the health aides didn't come, and when he would fall the last couple months I would go to be there when the emergency team came. and when he went into the hospital and hospice I went every day. Now I miss him, and feel terrible that sometimes it felt like a burden. And I admit, I feel wronged that I always try to help anyone in any way I can, even rescue stray cats and baby animals, whatever, because I know what it feels like to be unwanted. But no one cares what happens to me. I know it is wrong to think that way but deep inside I do. I care more for stray cats than anyone I know of cares for me and that hurts me so much. I had a horrible April. I had mono and was alone with my two year old. Everyone knew, but no one ever called, or asked if we had food or needed anything. I feel like I have been kicked until I can't stand up anymore. But I have to because I have a child. I don't know how to. I can't really commit to living more than the next couple years. I will try to, but it always seems like doom is right around the corner. So I try to love her all I can in case I have to give her a lifetime full of love in a couple years. that is all I live for, really.

  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hey :hug:

    Welcome to the forums! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. This forum can be a great place to make new friends and at times find people in similar circumstances and age.

    Stay for your daughter. She needs a loving mother to raise her and show her the ropes. Moms are everything to a child.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi U and are wanted here...I know it is not the same as real life, but it sure can be helpful...I hope you get the support and caring you are looking deserve it...big hugs, J
  4. minime

    minime Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am new here, too and our life stories are so similar. I also have never experienced being loved and accepted. I am also a mom and if it were not for my daughter, I would not care to live at all. I am thankful that a forum like this exists so we can vent and share our stories without being judged harshly like most "normal" people judge others. But then again, there are no normal people- some are simply better at hiding their neuroses than others. For a long time I "acted" normal and pretended life was okay but the last of group of people who hurt me was the last straw. I don't know what to do after the last straw...I guess that is why I am here.

    I hope today is good for you.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Arethere any support groups where you live that you can join??Or maybe pick up some new hobbies.... There are always options.. Don't close yourself off to the world.. Mr. Right may be just around the corner.. I speak of isolating your self because I am an isolationist and it is a life that sucks big time.. I have been like this for 21 yeas.. By my own choice, and mental issues..Please look for a group you can join.. Take care!!
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and welcome
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