Hi, this is my first post here so i feel like introducing myself in some way. I'm a 31 yr. old male, first time in forums too. I guess this forum has heard it all before so i won't bother with any details except for the fact that ever since i was a teenager i have had suicidal thoughts. I haven't ever tried to commit suicide. I have these increadible moodswings however, where i can go from completely overzealous and energetic and on top of the world, to basically feeling completely useless and worthless. In some of the down periods i usually think about suicide every night. I feel like this isn't normal but i have never wanted to talk to a pychologist because i don't really trust them. I have some idea that they will introduce thoughts and ideas that aren't really there into my head. Anyway, I don't want a psychologist. The reason i chose my nick is because i've felt shackled by these feelings ever since they started. My desperation just keeps building up because, well it's been so many years now that I feel like it just gets more frustrating, i just want something to happen, anything. I can hardly drink alcohol anymore because whenever i do so these feelings are so accentuated that I've hurt myself severely a few times. The only reason I've turned to these forums is because i don't know what else to do. I always thought these feelings would go away with time, but now I'm 31 and I still can have some extremely bad down periods. Do many ppl have this? What should I do? I've just come back from a night out and the feelings are accentuated again and I'm really sorry to be a bleeding heart but i need to write to ventilate. I know there has to be a reason why I'm like this but for some reason I can't turn to therapy because for some reason I'm so scared they'll make up some reason why I'm like this. An ex-girlfriends friend was once convinced by her therapist that her parents had molested her and she broke of all ties with her family. Anyway. No matter how low I have gotten my mother is the only thing that has gotten me through my lows. She has done more for me than any other being on the planet and my conscience keeps me from it every time. Everything would be so much simpler if she wasn't such an increadible person. But sometimes I feel like it's not fair that i am shackled to an unfullfilling life because of my conscience, guilt or feeling like I am in debt to someone. There has to be a line, somewhere were I can say I've had enough?? You can't have your cookie and eat it too. Most nights i sit and feel like I have had enough and can't see any real tangible reason why to live, but yet i have been brainwashed since birth into this right and wrong thing, and there is such a strong barrier between me taking the final step. So what do i do? Live a depressing and unfullfilling life in some sort of emotional rollercoaster, never knowing when I will just plainly want to lay down and die? That's no life. /Dan.