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Hi, this is my first post here so i feel like introducing myself in some way. I'm a 31 yr. old male, first time in forums too.

I guess this forum has heard it all before so i won't bother with any details except for the fact that ever since i was a teenager i have had suicidal thoughts. I haven't ever tried to commit suicide.

I have these increadible moodswings however, where i can go from completely overzealous and energetic and on top of the world, to basically feeling completely useless and worthless. In some of the down periods i usually think about suicide every night.

I feel like this isn't normal but i have never wanted to talk to a pychologist because i don't really trust them. I have some idea that they will introduce thoughts and ideas that aren't really there into my head. Anyway, I don't want a psychologist.

The reason i chose my nick is because i've felt shackled by these feelings ever since they started. My desperation just keeps building up because, well it's been so many years now that I feel like it just gets more frustrating, i just want something to happen, anything.

I can hardly drink alcohol anymore because whenever i do so these feelings are so accentuated that I've hurt myself severely a few times.

The only reason I've turned to these forums is because i don't know what else to do. I always thought these feelings would go away with time, but now I'm 31 and I still can have some extremely bad down periods. Do many ppl have this? What should I do?

I've just come back from a night out and the feelings are accentuated again and I'm really sorry to be a bleeding heart but i need to write to ventilate. I know there has to be a reason why I'm like this but for some reason I can't turn to therapy because for some reason I'm so scared they'll make up some reason why I'm like this. An ex-girlfriends friend was once convinced by her therapist that her parents had molested her and she broke of all ties with her family.

Anyway. No matter how low I have gotten my mother is the only thing that has gotten me through my lows. She has done more for me than any other being on the planet and my conscience keeps me from it every time. Everything would be so much simpler if she wasn't such an increadible person. But sometimes I feel like it's not fair that i am shackled to an unfullfilling life because of my conscience, guilt or feeling like I am in debt to someone. There has to be a line, somewhere were I can say I've had enough?? You can't have your cookie and eat it too. Most nights i sit and feel like I have had enough and can't see any real tangible reason why to live, but yet i have been brainwashed since birth into this right and wrong thing, and there is such a strong barrier between me taking the final step. So what do i do? Live a depressing and unfullfilling life in some sort of emotional rollercoaster, never knowing when I will just plainly want to lay down and die? That's no life.

Hi, I am sorry you are going through feeling like this. It's hard to hang on sometimes. But now you have SF, hopefuly that will help. :smile:

And I also would like to :welcome: you! :hug:



Well-Known Member
Welcome to the forums, I suppose coming here to find help is a good first step.
As a noob to using forum, I must suggest you watch this video (its very humorous, but also informative if you are new to forums)


Anyway, I know it can be scary to go to a therapist, but it can help. The way I looked at it when I finally decided to go was I'm pretty much on the verge of suicide, so I have nothing to lose.

Not all therapists are good, and what happed to your ex is probably a rare exception, but if you feel as if you are on the verge of killing yourself, then I don't think you would have much to lose by at least attempting therapy.

If you are completely opposed to therapy then maybe using only medication would work. I'm no expert and don't know very much about it, but maybe your mood swings and up and downs is bi-polar disorder. I think you may be able to be treated using only meds without the need for therapy, although meds and therapy combo would probably be best.

Again with medication, I feel the same way. I'm somewhat skeptical about the whole thing. I'm not on meds yet, but have an appointed for an evaluation for them soon. I have been on different meds in the past with little success, so I am ready to try something new. I guess I am opposed to using any medication that screws with the chemistry of my brain, but I feel like I am as good as dead if I don't try something, so I might as well go for meds and therapy combo.


Staff Alumni
Hi Dan,

So much of your story mimics mine its uncanny, and were almost the same age. Like you Ive been feel this way since my early teenage years, and like you, while ive been feeling this way for such a long time..ive never attempted suicide. Thought about it a LOT though.

Perhaps thats a scary thing, maybe it suggests that if we eventually make that decision, that unlike other people that have tried multiple times, we will be successful the first time...for the last time.

Also, like you, my mother has essentially been the only one to keep me sane all these years. My mother and father seperated in my early teens, although somehow I dont blame my depression on that; I still speak to my father every now and then, and saw him physically a couple months ago..We dont talk about this sort of thing at all...I always put on a brave face when im around him, but I think our relationship is "reasonable"...It certainly isnt close.

He lives about 5 or 6 hours away by car.

About the only area we differ is in the extreme highs and lows...I just have medium, low and extremely low LOL..There are no real highs :) and my energy level has basically been at a flatline for years.

Im coming to the same conclusion you are...Living this way day to day, while not immediately life threatening, is no damn way to live your life. There has to more than this. Other people seem to enjoy life, why cant I?

Im battling here with you, hopefully we will both find a path out of this personal hell.



Thanks for the replies, both of you.

Clay: I think you are right, no matter how great my aversion to meds or doctors in general there will be a point, a line in the sand, where there will be nothing to lose. If and when I get there is another story. I hope it will work out for you, heard of a lot of nasty sideeffects from some.

MJH: Your post made me smile as you highlighted even more similarities. My parents also divorced in early teens, not close to father at all, also rarely see him physically. I think you are right, the constant contemplation around suicide without the real motivation to do something about it will either drive us mad or could build up slowly and make us explode. And I agree, if we made a decision I have a feeling there would be some element of finality there. In a way, I have to be honest and say that scares me a little bit. More so because I never thought I would be the one to have this role. I mean, I have always been very sensitive and so on but before my teens I could never imagine that I would have these recurring thoughts. Even when they started coming (when I just started uni) I just went to some rave parties and popped some pills and the day after i was completely numb to the days previous turmoil. That was my unfortunate short term answer to my troubles for a while. I also hope that something will change in terms of this like you said. Though the last few months I have been so increadibly lazy and tired for some reason and it seems to be getting worse (hence me logging into forums for the first time). Anyway, interesting to hear similar stories and knowing I'm not a freak, and in some way really good to know that you have also hung in there for the long time period MJ, in some way it allows me to have done the same in some strange way.

Hugs Dan


Hello Dan!

As a child i wasn´t supposed to complain. My father always told us he didn´t want weak kids. I had to hold it all inside, i never could talk to my parents about problems at school (with other kids). I had to have good grades and that was my role.
Soon i was really good with secrets. I wouln´t tell anyone about things i saw or listened...
My parents didn´t use physical force or violence. Just psychological violence. They were always very good making me feel guilty and leading me to do exactly what they wanted.
No matter what i did i wasn´t good enough.
I had no friends and was feeling depressed.
Things got even worse at college. I was still alone but now i didn´t want to do anything... it was so hard to get up in the morning. I don´t even know how i graduated with my lousy grades. Now i can´t find a job.

I started having suicidal thoughts in my teens, early teens. Depression, anxiety, social phobia and anxiety...
Even having this thougths for almost 10 years. I never tried anything. A part of me wants to get better... one way or another. And the other part of me knows that if i try anything it won´t be to ask for help.... but it will be final...

I know i should see a psychiatrist but i can´t do it. I feel so weak.

Help yourself. Let other people help you... your mother, your friends. And a doctor. It´s very important.

All the best,

EDIT: I forgot to say one thing. I never told anyone that i have suicidal thoughts. Except in forums. I saw a psycologist for almost 3 years (when i was in high school) but never told her about this.
I never wanted people to know. I don´t mind if people think i´m weird, shy or whatever but i don´t want no one to say i´m suicidal.
I don´t want to have family members talking behind my back about that. I have an aunt that tried to commit suicide 3 times. Last time about 3 weeks ago. She has a young kid....
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