I don't know exactly where to start...I guess I've had suicidal thoughts ever since I was in high school (I'm 25 now). The thing about it though is that I'm pretty sure I don't have the guts to actually do it. Or maybe I just haven't hit an absolute breaking point, or found a quick and easy enough method, or whatever. But anyway, I don't think I'm in imminent danger of doing anything to myself, so maybe I don't even belong here, I don't know. Anyway, back in high school it was due to feeling/being extremely socially awkward, not having many friends...and none at school, where I basically lived, so despite being around people all the time I was very socially isolated. Not having a clue how to talk to/date girls also contributed to my lack of mental wellbeing back then; I'm no better at it now but it doesn't really bother me anymore. So anyway that was then. College was a bit all over the place...first couple years were very rough, I struggled a lot in classes, had no friends at all, so the thoughts and general feeling of worthlessness continued. Things turned around when I changed majors and got into a social group and was able to make some friends and the last couple years I was pretty happy for the most part...probably the happiest I've ever been as I look back on it now. But ever since I finished college (over two years ago now) I've been absolutely miserable. I haven't been able to find any kind of full-time job, which means I'm still living with my parents. They don't make me pay rent or anything, which might make me sound spoiled or whatever, and maybe I am, I don't know. But I do know that they hate having me live here, and I hate being here. Being 25 and not being able to support myself in any way, essentially living like I'm still a child (and being treated as such) has worn on me to the point that I'm absolutely miserable every day, and not a day goes by that I don't think about killing myself, or wishing that I had to guts to. Regarding the job situation since that's what seems to be driving my current state of misery...I've applied for just about every job you can think of; literally several hundred in the last three years. I have had a few temp jobs here and there that I've been able to get by on financially, but everything that I've saved is finally pretty much dried up at this point. And I've tried absolutely everything; including jobs that I see as demeaning (especially for someone who worked five years for a college degree), and which wouldn't be enough to live on anyway; all they'd really do is help me pay off my student loans. So basically I'm at the point where I just see myself as a complete failure. There's no evidence that I'll ever be a self-sufficient human being, or have any kind of meaningful existence. So anyway, that's basically my entire life story I guess. I didn't mean it to go so long, and maybe no one will even read it, so I guess it doesn't matter either way. If anyone actually did read it...thanks for persevering. I don't even know why I'm here to be honest...just feeling desperate I guess. I don't have anyone to go to with my problems...my parents despise me, I'm not close enough with either of my younger siblings (who are both in college pursuing successful lives, and doing much better than I ever did). I literally have two close friends, one of whom recently moved away, the other of whom is a newlywed on a tight budget, so he's got enough problems without listening to me. There's literally nowhere for me to go with my problems...and maybe compared to everyone else here I don't even have problems, I don't know.