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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thatguy85, Aug 21, 2011.

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  1. thatguy85

    thatguy85 Member

    I don't know exactly where to start...I guess I've had suicidal thoughts ever since I was in high school (I'm 25 now). The thing about it though is that I'm pretty sure I don't have the guts to actually do it. Or maybe I just haven't hit an absolute breaking point, or found a quick and easy enough method, or whatever. But anyway, I don't think I'm in imminent danger of doing anything to myself, so maybe I don't even belong here, I don't know.

    Anyway, back in high school it was due to feeling/being extremely socially awkward, not having many friends...and none at school, where I basically lived, so despite being around people all the time I was very socially isolated. Not having a clue how to talk to/date girls also contributed to my lack of mental wellbeing back then; I'm no better at it now but it doesn't really bother me anymore. So anyway that was then.

    College was a bit all over the place...first couple years were very rough, I struggled a lot in classes, had no friends at all, so the thoughts and general feeling of worthlessness continued. Things turned around when I changed majors and got into a social group and was able to make some friends and the last couple years I was pretty happy for the most part...probably the happiest I've ever been as I look back on it now.

    But ever since I finished college (over two years ago now) I've been absolutely miserable. I haven't been able to find any kind of full-time job, which means I'm still living with my parents. They don't make me pay rent or anything, which might make me sound spoiled or whatever, and maybe I am, I don't know. But I do know that they hate having me live here, and I hate being here. Being 25 and not being able to support myself in any way, essentially living like I'm still a child (and being treated as such) has worn on me to the point that I'm absolutely miserable every day, and not a day goes by that I don't think about killing myself, or wishing that I had to guts to.

    Regarding the job situation since that's what seems to be driving my current state of misery...I've applied for just about every job you can think of; literally several hundred in the last three years. I have had a few temp jobs here and there that I've been able to get by on financially, but everything that I've saved is finally pretty much dried up at this point. And I've tried absolutely everything; including jobs that I see as demeaning (especially for someone who worked five years for a college degree), and which wouldn't be enough to live on anyway; all they'd really do is help me pay off my student loans. So basically I'm at the point where I just see myself as a complete failure. There's no evidence that I'll ever be a self-sufficient human being, or have any kind of meaningful existence.

    So anyway, that's basically my entire life story I guess. I didn't mean it to go so long, and maybe no one will even read it, so I guess it doesn't matter either way. If anyone actually did read it...thanks for persevering. I don't even know why I'm here to be honest...just feeling desperate I guess. I don't have anyone to go to with my problems...my parents despise me, I'm not close enough with either of my younger siblings (who are both in college pursuing successful lives, and doing much better than I ever did). I literally have two close friends, one of whom recently moved away, the other of whom is a newlywed on a tight budget, so he's got enough problems without listening to me. There's literally nowhere for me to go with my problems...and maybe compared to everyone else here I don't even have problems, I don't know.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome! :)

    I'm glad to tell you that you can feel free to be open here while maintaining as much anonymity as you would like. :hug:

    Warmest greetings from the United States,

    Mr. A

    (P.S. Good luck with any future job applications.)
     
  3. ocean

    ocean New Member

    Being depressed due to unemployment seems to be very, very common on this forum, so you're not alone in that regard. I think joining SF is a good first step. It's not so much other peoples replies and advice that help, it's just knowing that there are other people out there, lots of other people, who are also suffering and understand. Welcome.
     
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Mmmmmm, firstly welcome to the forum. As already stated you will find many here who can empathise with you.
    You say you changed Majors, I'm English, but kinda figure that means you changed subjects and joined a social group that bought you many times of contentment, maybe you enjoyed the study too.
    Was that because you had good people around you, like minded and with a common bond of knowledge?
    Did you make your own contentment by the intention to change?
    Its not easy when you don't have ears around you, but thats when you have to really listen to yourself and i can empathise with that tons.
    You write well, with a caring for your friends and an understanding, use that for yourself too and your parents.
    Try not to look at everything as a "problem" Yes, have concerns but not worries.

    Keep on going, have a look at other options, they are out there.You changed your options once to bring contentment, maybe do it again?
    That could be your career, reactions, self-love and belief. Anything really.
    I wish you well, stay strong and look at today and what you can do, thats when tomorrow gets sorted.
     
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