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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by grizzguy, Oct 5, 2011.

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  1. grizzguy

    grizzguy New Member

    Hello everyone,

    This is my first visit to these forums so I am not exactly sure where to start.

    At this point I feel like I am hanging by a thread. I have been pretty severely depressed for about 6 years now. I've had 3 different therapists and 3 different psychiatrists. I have been on so many different medications that I have lost count, and all they ever do is mess with my appetite and make me gain weight, which makes me feel worse about myself. I would be lying if I said I have really put in that much effort to not be fat. I just feel so tired and shitty all the time that I cant ever get myself to work out. And on the very rare occasions that I do, I am NEVER able to stick with it because I am just lazy. I have stopped trying because I honestly don't care any more. If I allowed myself to care, it would just make me feel that much worse about myself.

    I guess the reason that I came here is because I literally don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. If I tried approaching any of my family, it would be met with a big deal and many doctors and constant monitoring, which is not what I want or need right now. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this, because it has been so long since I let anyone really get to know me that I don't really have friends anymore. I have some people from high school that I talk to like once a year, but lets face it, we don't know each other anymore, and I am sure as hell not going to burden any of them with this.

    I will try to not make this a wall of text, but to get everything out, its going to be hard to keep it short. I've known for a while what the source of my depression is. It's the feeling of insignificance. While I really don't want to have an existential debate about how insignificant the individual human life is, I find it's something that I can NEVER get out of my head. The feeling that if I was gone or never boring, that nothing would change. Like what is the fucking point of all of this? I am trying to get myself to finish college, but every time I sit down to do work or to study, the feeling hits me that it doesn't matter. I am replaceable. There is no chance that I will develop something, or create something that changes the world. I am not saying that if you can't change the world that life isn't worth living, I am saying that I really don't see the point in drifting through life doing some job that I KNOW millions of other people can do. I just makes me feel worthless.

    While I am sure that my views on all of this would probably be different if I was emotionally involved with someone right now. I am turning 26 soon, and that will mark the 9th year I've gone without sex or a kiss or a date or anything. I could say that it's been by choice and lie to all of you, but the truth is that it hasn't been. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to my girlfriend in high school. She remains to be the only person I've ever had sex with. We broke up and it was fine, we went our separate ways. I didn't have another girlfriend in high school (and therefore no more sex, as I guess I still think sex should mean something). Shortly after starting college is when my depression really hit. After that I never really got close to anyone, of either gender. People have told me that if I wanted to have sex I could have, but they are completely missing the point. Its not about sex, its about intimacy and closeness, which I have gone a very long time without. It has been so long that I can't even remember the last time a girl gave me a second look, which is why I have pretty much given up on the idea. There is a pretty big catch-22 here for me. I feel like having a girlfriend, someone I can connect with would give my life some perspective, some meaning. But in order to be in the right state of mind to get someone to like me, I need to not be depressed so I can perform basic human activities like finish school and find a job, or something as simple as getting myself to shower.

    It's funny, after typing all of this I thought I would feel something, but I don't. It's pretty sad that at this moment, the thing I would feel most sad about if I killed myself is that I wouldn't be able to see my dog again. For the past 2 years he has been the only living being that seems to care if I am alive, and that's really only because I am the one that feeds him.

    I feel like I am rambling at this point and just leave it at that for now. I am not sure what responses I am looking for here, so I will just wait and see I guess.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi grizzguy,

    I have a dog too. I would miss him as well. I'm glad you have people to talk to here. =) I'm just 19, but I know what you mean about seeing many doctors, rarely seeing old classmates from high school, etc. :hug: Welcome, and I hope you have no trouble navigating these forums. :welcome:

    Alex
     
  3. grizzguy

    grizzguy New Member

    Thank you for the reply. I find I have so much to say but sometimes I have trouble organizing my thoughts, especially now when it is almost impossible to concentrate and focus. I just reread my post and found that I didnt even mention somethings I set out to because I rambled about other stuff. Oh well.
     
  4. MLD999

    MLD999 Member

    Hi grizzguy

    I'm new too. I only joined yesterday but already I have had some wonderful one to one chats and pasted stuff on here that I never thought possible. I think we have both made the right decision to join.
     
  5. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello grizzguy,I absolutely know where your coming from I used to be in good shape but after 5yrs of couch potatoism I'm kinda wobbly but I just can't do anything about it. I watch joggers with envy but my get up and go seems to have got up and gone it's hard coz exercise is the last thing you wanna be doing when you feel like shit in your mind.I don't work or socialise anymore so I know how you feel.

    Anyways greetings to you and mld999 also
     
  6. grizzguy

    grizzguy New Member

    Yeah, its just so shitty because I was an All State Swimmer and All American Water Polo player in high school. I was in good shape to say the least, and to look at myself now just makes me feel like fat, lazy piece of shit. But I cant get myself to do anything about it.
     
  7. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Yeah same,I try not to think about it and even found myself justifying it the other day. I thought what's wrong with showing on the outside just how fucked I am on the inside! That's nonsense of course coz people will just think " fat fuck " and not " he looks unhappy,I wonder what's wrong"
     
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Some people are naturally big - men or women - and I think the fashion industry (led by skinny male and female coke-heads) is like a parade of skeleton chicks at times. I mean - I look at some of the supermodels and think "wow - poor thing - she needs to eat"

    I'd take her on a date just to see her eat something!

    No man likes to see a women too underweight - although I know some here suffer with that so apologies if I seem like I am being a bit less than tactful. I'm ony attacking the industry which makes you want to be skinny!

    But seriously - people are all shapes and sizes - but we been brainwashed into seeing some ideal figure and many people - men and women are really losing it in a whirl of self image issues.

    I have mate who is fat. I call him the fatman - I'm a mate - but he does not give a f*** if anyone says anything - likely he would punch them - or make women think twice with his sharp tongue. Well some girls like to play that game - and with sexual equality - they generally get told a few home truths to contemplate IF they want to try and demean a man for being whatever. Rarely happens outside of the playground with women.

    He's never been without a woman. Break of a few weeks - moves in with another. On it goes. Being fat never put the ladies off for sure. I've got to say - I been out with hum enough to testify to that. I'm quite slim - almost handsome under a neon bar light. I'm waiting for intelligent women - he'd never pull a women with a degree - he is too thick - I mean - lol - good lad but not the brightest bulb in the socket. We had a few good fights over the years - I always say a good mate - you've likely punched him at some point - does that sound funny? Well - my youth we formed bonds - some lads you'd fight with and actually the next day you felt priud as maybe 100 others lads saw it - so if it was a good show - like you allow him to get up if he goes down - its just a boys being boys thing - something denied to youth today who fear a fight will end up with someone pulling a gun out. Cultural trends dictate that - but for the most part - I think if boys had fair fights - the idiots blabbing about killing you would be cry-babies if unarmed. In my day - you could only challenge someone your own age or size. Fights were fair - most of the time - if nobody goes down in the first 30 seconds - its a tug of war - you both exhausted in two minutes - fights are intensive on energy reserves - so keeping fit - its actually to have more stamina - the main aim - not to look like anything - but strength and stamina - which is easy to measure in a man - and its not about whether he is slim or fat.

    Most men need more strength and stamina. How many of us could job a mile? I walk - but got to say I need to exercise more - for ME - and my health not for the front cover of magazines.

    Women are usually cruel as girls - boys not so fixated on fashion mags which are written by liars who just make up things - and tell us this dress is fab - and what to wear and how to look. They are telling you what to think - encouraging a million schoolgirls to think they are failures - promoting self image like a religion - and God help those who turn out without an angel face!

    Mostly its a profit orientated pack of lies. You NEED to wear this or that perfume - when a women fresh of the shower smells just as good as £1000 bottle of perfume.

    A $10 dress - looks as good as a $10,000 dress.

    I saw some backpack for £85,000 made by some pair of evil twins who look like they have been up all night on the heroin - and cleaned up with a dose of coke in the morning. The backpack looked awful - If I saw it at a charity stall for £1 - I'd not look twice - and never buy unless I knew it was worth that much! I'd ebay it to someone insane enough to bid!

    Anyhow - its bad when you cannot exercise, lucky I keep that up but have taken breaks - plus I exercise for strength not to look pretty.

    A real man is not defined by pretty boy looks with muscles that are for show. Hope you can get to the point one day of not giving fu** for what others think. Took me some time but I've perfected it now and have my process because you can tell people in a nice way that you don't see any value in their judgement.

    The main thing is confidence which takes a battering with depression. And sure - putting on weight with some of those meds - plus - loss of libido which is a funny side effect - actually could be worse than the original depression when at least you might see a woman and feel some passion. I don't know - meds for me never cut the mustard but if they made me feel better and I put weight on I'd have the energy to exercise more. Meds left me not wanting to exercise - even a few sits ups, press ups - this and that - it was hard to even get into that frame of mind - but since off the meds I am eating better and more exercise.

    Still get less women than my fat mate.

    But admittedly - its about quality not quantity for me - him less so.

    Good luck if you need to lose weight - but don't go too over the top!

    Exercise is the main thing. If meds make you feel so down you cannot do that - maybe give them a few weeks off - see your doc - and try that.

    Its a balance - if you can lose weight but feel suicidal - what's the point?

    I'm just saying that there are influences out there you ought to ignore. People telling you how you should look - fashion experts, gurus of the aesthetics - heads up their backsides really. Too much coke - or not enough drugs - who knows - but something is not right and I wear what I like - classic fashion - easy to wear - and a suit to go out on - maybe a shirt and trousers not made by some French dude who charges £3000 for a pair of jeans that look like they were dug up out of a grave last night - and sold this morning.

    Just be yourself - but sure - knowing yourself is not easy and takes time and dedication. Many people will wade through life not knowing themselves - some excel in ignorance and will call you names or say you look ugly. Well - fu** them and their ignorance - thanks for the unique insight but STFU all the same. Or I'll much Prozac for 3 months put on 5 stone and squash you like an insect - which, ironically, you might as well be - or bee. Either way people who think its funny to mock other men - I've seen MANY an idiot go down and will see many more. It's funny - people think cruel jibes won't bring cruel actions. For me - any man wants to belittle others - to bully them verbally - deserves his ass kicked and will get it kicked at some time. Its just a matter of time. But please please please, God - if it can be me - I need this one right now. I need some real asshole to cross paths with, let me do your work Oh Lord - lol!!

    Sometimes being good - you might see me somewhere shouting at some man - berating him for his cruelty - whilst seeming cruel myself. but - how else does Karma work? Well - it came to me one day after arguing with some bigot putting gays down. Just for jest - I says to Mr Bigot "OK - what if I'm gay?" - he says "I know your not" - so I imply that maybe I've just come out of the closet - and maybe - I choose him. He looked shocked - my mates caught on and one spoke out in an effeminate voice - winding up the bigot.

    He almost cried in the end. Well O do know a few gays - its not for me - but I think its impolite to exclude people or gang up on anyone. Most of the gays can take a jibe - but when they have had like 10,000 idiots call them a fag maybe smiling back after 5000 comments gets tiresome- well in our pub and club we made a rule that people ought to keep bigoted views back home along with Hitler photos and dreams of master-races and so on.

    I've seen men making fun of women get slapped - in fact - got to be honest - I know men who raised a hand to women and ended up in hospital for weeks. Hobble to this very - the hobble a kind of incentive to all men here to never raise a hand to a woman or make disparaging comments in a bar.

    The FEW girls I knew to be horrid to other girls when I was in school - I see them to this day. Funny thing is - whilst they may have been 'pretty' when young - its like the ugliness inside has now come out. The girls they bullied - look quite young for their years.

    The only boy who ever really tried to bully me for longer than a few fights - well, I never feared him but it was a major drag! He could not be beat. Too tough. You'd have to kill him and - well, I'm not that stupid plus the bullying was nothing personal.

    Well - you leave school - bullying ends. This bully - he was pretty much wandering the streets looking to torment any other kid. Never robbed anyone that came later when he got caught mugging a women.

    Anyhow this bully is now a sorry sight. I had the chance maybe aged 30 to turn the tables - but the bullying was nothing personal and toughened me up really. But he never got toughened up as a bully in a school is nothing when he gets out.

    So things went downhill for him - kids lined up to kick his ass - even though he became a bouncer - too many people beat him up - it was too tempting to see your old bully as a doorman or bouncer - I mean - he lost his mojo then and ended up leaving down - still got beat up as people from my town moved en masse to a certain seaside resort - this happened with young men in the UK - we moved around for work - and to be honest - just to have fun and get out of the North with unemployment and nothing even left to steal.

    "I came into town
    I was looking for a job
    I could not find nothing
    So I started looking for something to rob"

    Anyhow in conclusion - I know many men who not kick a woman out of bed for not being a skinny supermodel. There are many things which make men and women attractive but culture often shapes how we think.

    As long as a women looks after herself - keeps clean - I don't care if she looks like she shopped blindfolded ina jumble sale for her clothes. I know many men who could not care less about fashion - and whatever.

    Main thing is that a women is interesting - fun, has something to say and maybe she is a great cook or a good mum - or the sort of girl who would get on with your family and mates.

    Who wants a gloomy beautiful woman who basically thinks just looking good - is enough?

    Do women want a man who is too busy admiring his almost effeminate looking 6-pack - but he hates your mates - never wants to go out and likes looking at videos of muscle men and women - whilst you sit there admiring how wonderful life is - because he looks so great!

    No matter how beautiful a women looks - do you know that looks actually change - its a mental process whereby if a beautiful women is real ugly inside - not depressed - I mean - just evil hearted by nature - after a while you'll look at her but will not be taken aback by her looks because you 'know' her in as much as a man can know a women.

    Truth is EVERY bride looks beautiful - or every woman who finds a good man feels better for it and so looks better. Its just luck of the draw that some people are lucky a birth and come out looking beautiful by any cultural definitions. Sure - some women are extraordinarily good looking. Others just have a charisma. Some people stand out - most of us - were not going to find the door jammed on St Valentines Day as a mountain of cards drops onto the mat. (I know - just one would be a change!)

    I think a man who is cheerful, good with communicating and making people feel comfortable - who is confident but not to the point he becomes arrogant. If he is interesting and resourceful. Be that man fat or thin - its the sort of man a women needs. We may not be oil paintings - but you can't tell the difference after dark!

    So sharpen your mind - more so than your pecs.

    If meds do not make you happy - tell your doc your feel like you been done by a snake oil salesman.

    Good luck out there!
     
  9. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Jesus dude you should write a book or something lol
     
  10. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I've told him that I want him to write his autobiography so I can get sucked into it like I do his posts lol. You have to admit, judging by his posts, it would be a very interesting read indeed!
     
  11. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    Hi Grizzguy,

    I am new here today, so welcome to us both. My father took his own life in July and i am kind of bumbling around trying to get some answers, some understanding, some support i suppose....

    Keep talking, i've heard its the best way to get through anything....

    Bluebutterfly.x
     
  12. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Ha yeah his posts are very interesting and it just pours out of him,if I tried to write that much it would be sooo boring lol
    Let's start a petition for peacelovingguy to write a book
     
  13. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Hi hun! Welcome to the forums. If you need help with anything feel free to PM me anytime and I would be glad to help ya! :heart:
     
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