Hello everyone, This is my first visit to these forums so I am not exactly sure where to start. At this point I feel like I am hanging by a thread. I have been pretty severely depressed for about 6 years now. I've had 3 different therapists and 3 different psychiatrists. I have been on so many different medications that I have lost count, and all they ever do is mess with my appetite and make me gain weight, which makes me feel worse about myself. I would be lying if I said I have really put in that much effort to not be fat. I just feel so tired and shitty all the time that I cant ever get myself to work out. And on the very rare occasions that I do, I am NEVER able to stick with it because I am just lazy. I have stopped trying because I honestly don't care any more. If I allowed myself to care, it would just make me feel that much worse about myself. I guess the reason that I came here is because I literally don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. If I tried approaching any of my family, it would be met with a big deal and many doctors and constant monitoring, which is not what I want or need right now. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this, because it has been so long since I let anyone really get to know me that I don't really have friends anymore. I have some people from high school that I talk to like once a year, but lets face it, we don't know each other anymore, and I am sure as hell not going to burden any of them with this. I will try to not make this a wall of text, but to get everything out, its going to be hard to keep it short. I've known for a while what the source of my depression is. It's the feeling of insignificance. While I really don't want to have an existential debate about how insignificant the individual human life is, I find it's something that I can NEVER get out of my head. The feeling that if I was gone or never boring, that nothing would change. Like what is the fucking point of all of this? I am trying to get myself to finish college, but every time I sit down to do work or to study, the feeling hits me that it doesn't matter. I am replaceable. There is no chance that I will develop something, or create something that changes the world. I am not saying that if you can't change the world that life isn't worth living, I am saying that I really don't see the point in drifting through life doing some job that I KNOW millions of other people can do. I just makes me feel worthless. While I am sure that my views on all of this would probably be different if I was emotionally involved with someone right now. I am turning 26 soon, and that will mark the 9th year I've gone without sex or a kiss or a date or anything. I could say that it's been by choice and lie to all of you, but the truth is that it hasn't been. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to my girlfriend in high school. She remains to be the only person I've ever had sex with. We broke up and it was fine, we went our separate ways. I didn't have another girlfriend in high school (and therefore no more sex, as I guess I still think sex should mean something). Shortly after starting college is when my depression really hit. After that I never really got close to anyone, of either gender. People have told me that if I wanted to have sex I could have, but they are completely missing the point. Its not about sex, its about intimacy and closeness, which I have gone a very long time without. It has been so long that I can't even remember the last time a girl gave me a second look, which is why I have pretty much given up on the idea. There is a pretty big catch-22 here for me. I feel like having a girlfriend, someone I can connect with would give my life some perspective, some meaning. But in order to be in the right state of mind to get someone to like me, I need to not be depressed so I can perform basic human activities like finish school and find a job, or something as simple as getting myself to shower. It's funny, after typing all of this I thought I would feel something, but I don't. It's pretty sad that at this moment, the thing I would feel most sad about if I killed myself is that I wouldn't be able to see my dog again. For the past 2 years he has been the only living being that seems to care if I am alive, and that's really only because I am the one that feeds him. I feel like I am rambling at this point and just leave it at that for now. I am not sure what responses I am looking for here, so I will just wait and see I guess.