new here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by nomorenuggets, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. nomorenuggets

    nomorenuggets New Member

    i don't know where to start. i guess a name and some background would make sense...
    Normally I write so easily. This this such a tough subject for me. I never wanted to be this girl. Depression and anxiety and tons of self-loathing have over-taken my life and it has become so hard for me to speak to anyone. I barely leave my house. I hardly see my friends, or my daughter who I miss like crazy.
    Yes, I have a daughter, I'm 26, divorced, with a 6 and1/2 year old lil girl who means the world to me. Shes one of the very few reasons I'm still alive. I cant abandon her.
    Recently, I haven't been able to see her. My depression and anxiety keep me in crying spells and I talk to no one. I know its not healthy, I don't know what else to do. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I push people away so I don't hurt them with one of my crazy outbursts. I have almost no one left. it's killing me. I miss her so much. All I ever wanted was to give her the world. Now I can barely promise to call her on the phone.
    She isn't currently living with me. For the first time in her life, we're apart. I'm getting taken off Zoloft and my doc warned me it would be hell. It was in her best interest to stay with her grandparents for the 2 months it would take for me to get off medication. It's been the hardest, loneliest 2 months of my life. we've never been apart this long.
    I really hope coming off the Zoloft is worth it. I have never felt so lost in all my life. I've been hurting myself and taking too many pills to sleep away the pain. I have thoughts of suicide. it isn't right. I cant do that. I have to be ok. I have to. My daughter needs me.
    I've been on Zoloft for 7 years. prior to that I was on Prozac for another 5. I was never given a proper psych examination. The woman who started me on medication brought me into her office and asked me about 5 questions. I answered each with one sentence answers. yet somehow that gave her enough information to sit across from me and scribble in her chart for 15 minutes then fill out a pad with a Rx for Prozac and Valium. I never thought I was depressed. Yes, I had bad anxiety, but I was still a happy person. I just worried a lot.
    After starting this woman's regimen of medication I began to feel worse and worse. I told my mother who honestly was deeply concerned but she didn't know what to do. She just brought me back to this doctor and the woman kept adding to the dosage. when that didn't work, she added more medications. I felt worse and worse. After I met this doctor, I've attempted suicide so many times, I've lost count.
    I have a different, better doctor now. I'm so grateful for that.
    I heard the other woman lost her medical license. I laughed so hard I choked, but it was well worth it. she was a pill pusher, plain and simple.
    I really hope getting off Zoloft works for me. I hate how I feel on them. Staying on he as long as I have ((12 years?)) is long enough. They only cause me problems.
    I have to go. unfortunately I really hurt my wrist today, nothing too serious, stupid none-the-less. I let my emotions get the better of me and did what wasn't best :(
    Thank you for letting me vent. I'm always here to listen too if anyone needs to talk. We're all human and we all live on this giant dirtball, we might as well learn to get along, right? ;)
    Thanks again
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi ANI Is there no way your doctor could put you in hospital while you are weaning of the medication and on to a new one It would be safer there. Do you get to see your daughter for awhile a least it would be very hard on her too not to see her mom Even if you see her through computer screen and talk to her that way it would help both of you.
    I am glad you finally got a doctor that listened hun and i hope you start feeling stable soon hugs
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey nuggets - welcome to SF - a really caring and hopeful place of non judgement and people ready to listen and offer helpful suggestions. Pill pushing doctors who don't take the time to listen and who think everything can be resolved by taking pills are about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike!

    Hope that you stay and look around and we can always make a time to chat on here when you need the company. I agree that should anyone find the answers to how to manage life on the dirtball, we should be able to share them, right?! :) This time will pass, when your heart and mind find the insights they've been missing - because what is ultimately True has the power to set us free from all the gunk, hun :) Your feelings are hurting right now, and misrepresenting things to you, so you don't have to believe them.

    I still need to do this, and guess I always will...... but it's an upward spiral now, instead of fear of a downwards one :)
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Coming off of medications is never an easy thing. I hope by doing so you can get a fresh start and maybe get to the bottom of your issues. You are right, your little girl needs you and for that you must fight, but you must also fight for yourself. I am glad you have chosen to seek help. Please continue to post as you need. You will find compassion here among our members. :hug:
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