New level of depression...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Sep 15, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Recently I have reach a new point in my depression. At first I thought I was getting better. Things were sliding off me and werent really bothering me. I easily said 'Shit happens' and kept moving. This has a gave me a whole new set of problems.. Im able to stay calm for big things - washing machine breaking down, husband burning his leg really bad, husband running a stick in his eye (a accident of course), windshield getting broke in car by drunken idiot in much bigger vehicle, ect, ect..Little things are driving me mad. Like my grandma nagging me, my mom saying something cross, a comment my husband makes rubs me the wrong way, skinny people on tv, computer/internet not cooperating, dog barking and not shutting up for half hour or more, ect, ect...Im not getting better..Im just getting better at hiding the big things from myself..I tell myself 'Oh well..stupid washing machine is broke but still fills up with water and drains although it wont spin..I can handle washing things with it'..' Oh well..drunk in that truck will get whats coming to him..three folds law and all'...'Damn idiot husband..I told him not to heat that water so hot..I told him to be more careful out by that pond...Hes fine though, hes tuff, Im not getting up to help him'..blah..blah.. I dont know what point I originally wanted to make...Its just..It feels like my depression has reach a new level.. I just want to cry...My chest feels heavy..Im having nightmares again..My head hurts..My throat hurts...I cant get comfortable..I hurt all over.. But its not bothering me like it use too..Im just use to it, its life, its normal, its how things are for me..I dont deserve anything better so I accept it.. Is that bad? I mean I never had a good life (not really looking back on it)..My memory stinks and I remember all the bad times but still the parts Im filled in on by others sound crappy too... I have no insurance, no money for doctors, when I do get meds Im allergic..I just want to jump in front of a speeding truck..I dont think I will but its tempting.. Now Im just rambling..I just wanted to get my thoughts out..This depression is deeper then ever and effecting me but not like it use too, in a whole new way now..
  2. anhedonia

    anhedonia Member

    i m sorry. i don't know you, but i certainly understand what you're talking about.

    i'm on a slight upswing after yet another serious turn for the worse where i was really going to die. but like you, i've had several "new levels of depression". it's horrid and terrible and so so unfair, but you KNOW that there WILL be an upswing at some point because you've been through this before. it's just about holding on - if not to your sanity, then to at least your life - until that happens. It WILL be ok. I promise.
  3. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to this. I used to be able to cover up my depression, or at least make up for the down times with some up times. Now that I have slid down a level or two in functioning, I have a whole new set of problems. I have trouble reacting to major and minor events in proportion. Some major events I just basically ignore because I can't deal with them now, while small things get my attention.

    I also agree with anhedonia above in that there will be some relief at some point, and you can take advantage of those little upswings to do things that feel good.
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