Just discovered this forum and thought I would introduce myself. My name is "Michael" and I am 32 years old and have battled suicidal feelings since the age of 13. The first time I was aware I was suicidal was when I was in the seventh grade and found myself doodling a picture of a person holding a gun to his head. I have never told a soul about these feelings. I think the main source of my suicidal feelings are due to loneliness. It's not that I do not have friends, I have quite a few, but I have just never felt a true connection to many people in my life. I have always felt like an outsider. I am not close to my family which I believe also contributes to these feelings of loneliness. My parents are very closed off, distant people who seem to have no interest in their kids. They clothed us and fed us and sent us to nice schools, but never hugged us or gave us advice or even ever told us that they loved us. I have never had a meaningful conversation with my parents in my life. I was also subjected to extrememe physical and emotional abuse at the hands of a very violent older brother who I have not seen (thankfully) in 10 years. The last few years I would say I have felt the least suicidal... until just recently. I was laid off from my job and am having a lot of money troubles. I work in Television so when you get laid off, it is verr hard to find another job. I also recently learned that one of the only people I ever felt truly connected with (a girl) in life, is engaged to another man, which greatly depresses me. At the same time I have realized that I myself am in a relationship I do not want to be in but feel stuck because she helps me financially. Without her I could not make it. My friends would probably be very surprised to know I have these suicidal feelings. I had a job many people would clamor for where I work with many high profile celebrities. I also have a great sense of humor and often can be the life of the party. Despite all this, I have never been able to shake this overwhelming feeling of loneliness that has plagued me my whole life. I have sought therapy which helped a little, but it became something I could not afford. I live in Los Angeles where the cost of living is very high. I do not think I will be commiting suicide anytime soon, but this is the most suicidal I have felt in about 5 years and just felt like reaching out to someone. Thanks for listening.