New member..... long post sorry, but I need to get this off my chest.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dvnj22, Jan 18, 2013.

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  1. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    I am 22 years old, I've have had a server struggle with mental illness. When I was 16 I had a psychotic break, I heard voices saw things and I thought the government was after me, I held my hand <edit mod total eclipse triggering>, cut myself, and bit myself. The way my family looked at me was the worst, mother even said I need to take my pills so I don't become a serial killer - I don't blame her though, my psychosis got so bad that I even hit the family dog a couple of times. When I was 19 my psychosis cleared up and got a hold of my depression. I feel like I have accomplished a lot, just with my mental health - and even getting my high school diploma since I have ADD and not intelligent. However I do think I have a great sense of humor and good at public speaking, I've even given speeches in front of a 100 people on multiple occasions. My other problem is... well, it's embarrassing but.... I have a small penis it's only 3 1/2 inches.

    So that brings me here today.... 22 years old, unemployed, stupid, dork, unattractive loser. My penis size never bothered me until lately - I always even as a child looked inward and was never really interested in dating or looking good cause I was always more interested in art, spirituality, and movies. However lately me sex drive has increased which has caused me think more about sex and dating. I'm sorry for posting such along post but I feel really depressed. I read some articles about how men who have small penis are less evolved and their wives cheat on them, which really got me down. And so I feel like my only options are celibacy or suicide. I've just had enough - I just want to sleep and never wake up! I know exactly where I am going to be 10 years from now, I'll be living with my elderly father taking care of him, depressed, ugly, alone, angry, and never accomplishing anything.

    I wana just kill myself, but I'd hate to do that to my 3 sisters. If they were dead or something I would just <mod edit - methods> like my uncle did. I sometimes hope that one day I can sacrifice my life to save the world or someone else that way I'd be a hero, but that's just wishful thinking. I have been thinkg of going to the park near my apartment building, taking pills to OD and just die there, that way my family wouldn't find me. But I take<mod edit - method>and I heard it's not enough to kill you, but just give you brain damaged. Maybe I deserve that though. I hope there is a hell - cause that is where I belong, it would just and right for me to suffer that way. Nobody could ever love especially a women. The only reason my sisters put up with me is because they are great people and I am there brother.

    I'm sorry the post is long.... I don't even know why I am writing this... I haven't sleeping very well and I don't even why I saying that. ho ever thank you - to anyone who reads this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to let you know i read your post and to say your sisters do not put up with you hun the love you ok You are thier brother and they want you to be safe I hope you can talk to your doctor and get on medication that can and will make you stable You family would find you and it would be so horrible for them they would never get over your loss. I hope you keep talking to us ok and keeping reaching out for support from your health team You are worth the fight hun so keep pushing to get the best care for you hugs
  3. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    You don't have to apologize for the length of the post. You express yourself very well. Keep posting.
  4. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I have such a problem with hating myself, I hate personality -- my dad is the complete opposite then me, tough guy, and bigger in every area then me. However he never raised me to be a tough guy -- he raised me on turn the other check christian values. I hate my physical self because of my penis size. I also hate myself intellectually as well. It sucks. When people lack in one thing they make up for it in the other. But I have nothing. I really want to kill myself, but I don't want to hurt my family. My little sister is only 11 and my dad tries, but is busy, my mom is going through a mid life crisis of sorts and is trying to recapture her youth or something -- so I'm kind of like a big bro/surrogate father. But I really hate myself and in my mind suicide seems just, I am natures mistake and need to be erased. I am also so afraid of becoming that weird awkward guy that everybody avoids. If life was a nice guy test I'd probably win, but it's a survival of the fittest world, and I'm not meant to compete.... I'm so disillusioned, and my future looks bleak.....
  5. 2ndCity773

    2ndCity773 Active Member

    Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to penis size insecurity. I have started threads on the topic here on SF. I'm 25 and I'm too have a tremendous amount of anxiety associated with my penis size. I know every ones situation is unique but the way I deal is through bodybuilding and powerlifting. If you want to give it a shot just research online proper form and nutrition and see what happens. I'm not saying I'm cured or anything because i still have major issues. Its just how I cope. Hit me up if you have questions and I'll be more than happy to help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2013
  6. Hope_Ahead.2009

    Hope_Ahead.2009 New Member

    you are worth something everybody has a purpose in life
  7. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Hang in there man. I'm twice your age. I think about dying a lot. I hate my life. But I'm hanging on for now. Try to find something good in life, even if it's miniscule. I also have three sisters, all younger. Feel free to vent here - don't worry about length of your posts. Anything that helps. If you want to write a novel here, we'll all read it for you.
  8. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I hope I have purpose, I really do. But I'm starting to feel like there is really nothing to life or my life. I feel like such a loser. I like playing video games, hanging out with my friends, reading the bible (yeah I'm old school). However I feel like my life is such a waste - sometimes I envy the other 22 year old macho guys who drink and go out and get laid. But here I am just waiting for the new game of thrones season.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2013
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi, I have read your post, I never thought I would post this here-but I have decided to after reading your post. My boyfriend has a small penis but we have a fantastic relationship. I will admit though, we don't have sex. It is not because of his penis size, its because he was abused as a child and has post traumatic stress disorder. I would never ever even think of cheating on him. There are girls out there who would not cheat on their boyfriends because they had a small penis, a lot of them I am sure.
    Please do not commit suicide. It is never the answer. :hug: Hope you begin to feel better soon-and I hope that sharing my experience with you has helped.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2013
  10. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks that does help.
  11. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    There's nothing wrong with being the guy who looks forward to a TV. Not every guy is the go out and get laid guy. Have you tried dating sites? Playing video games, hanging out with friends and being a GOT fan is something a lot of women would love to hear about. Don't worry about penis size. That's nothing. It's how you are as a person that matters.
  12. Marvin24

    Marvin24 Member

    I think I know how you feel about being a mistake of nature. I was an affair baby adopted out at birth and I used to think that about myself all the time, until I learned of so many other people who have been in the same birth circumstances as I and still managed to have successful, fulfilling lives.
    I'm a bit of a gamer as well and I wish I could come over and hang out with you. I'd even bring homemade cookies over :) Anyhow, know you're not alone and that random strangers on the internet care about you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2013
  13. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I'm such a stereotype though. I'm nice, dork, small penis, small hands, short, child like face. I just get so down. I just feel like I have nothing that makes for what I lack in others areas. I know thee are people going through more then me, but i feel so i undignified. I don't feel like a man. Im worthless to women, only fit for as the friend. I'm thing about just staying a virgin maybe even chemically castrate myself, I know that may see extreme, but I have a high sex drive. Sigh....
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey DVNJ. you wrote "I read some articles about how men who have small penis are less evolved and their wives cheat on them," I dont know where you read this. But the part about people with small penis being less evolved is absolutly untrue. You also wrote that you have been in the past interested in Art and Spirituality. Well, people who are not evolved do not gravatate to that when they are young. The part about wives cheating on them, well I would guess you would never want the kind of woman who would cheat on her husband anyway.

    I did want to recommend that you find a way to get enough sleep. I think it is very extremely highly ( is that strong enough :D) important. The mind when it is sleep deprived can really get wacky. You do not want that So please will you get help for that?

    I hope you can find a great counseller to work on your self esteem. Because to me you sound like a great considerate kind guy. And the right girl would be lucky to have you as a boyfriend or husband. Maybe its those insecurities that are holding you back. ps, its not the size that matters...... okay?
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