Big intro. Don't know what I'm after here. Just to chat. I think. I know doctor is the place to go but that's too hard. For health stuff yes,I'm right there. I think should describe me. I'm mostly okay. But sometimes everything doesn't compute. It's not even that. I actually walk downstairs, forget what I've gone downstairs for get back to my computer room and suddenly go OH YEAH I was going for a knife. And it seems completely logical. No questions. I need a knife because I need to cut myself somewhere. So I fetch it. and then decide where to cut. And this is normally logical so I can hide it. Most of the time I'm okay, cut high on the arm, shoulders etc. Got a big patch of scars from uni which is reused. Sometimes I'm an idiot. More in the past when I went for wrists. across, not killing strokes. Silly scars but old. Second most recent was a deep stupid wrist one. I dug down searching out the artery but across. It was more about the pain. and it hurt. so I tapped around the artery and it hurt. But then wandered over to A&E and told themI'd been sharpening a knife on a coffee cup which no one but an idiot would believe. but of course they do. Was fine. was fine. was fine. Then bad time. but decided to hide proper, HIPS! slash slash slash. I'm completely feeling better from this and no one is the wiser. Until I meet a girl. And so I'm trying to put her off till she insists I take her home (yes, seriously) so I end up texting her explaining how I'd love to but I don;t want her seeing all the recent scratches... She says she wants to talk. We talk and she;s okay, go out for several weeks, fine, she understands, she;s done same. Things go to fail. Things also with ex ex escalate. Can't deal, take a massive slash at my calf. no vessels but we're deep into fat and bleeding like stink. Excellent. It's moslty scabbed over now but annoyances at work have had me kicking it to make it hurt. I also now realise I can;t play sports in shorts which is just stupid. Don't know why I went there, it was so stupid. :/ And that brings me to today. It's 5am. I'm quite drunk and all I can think is how good cuttiing a slice into me will help. It does not make ANY sense. It's akin to my old thing of punching a wall. But I require my hands for my job. Gah.