Hi, I'm new here. I thought maybe I should post something just to say who I am and what my personal situation is. This could end up being pretty long, so I'm really sorry if it does--- and please don't feel obliged to read it all. I'm also really sorry if it gets too whiny or anything...
Well, here goes:
I'm 19 years old, and I've been very unhappy for as long as I can remember. I've never had many friends (at least not since I was about 10...); I've never been in a relationship with a girl; I am very, very frightened and insecure in social situations; and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be friendless and unloved for the rest of my life.
I've always done quite well in school. I went through the Scottish system, and got straight "A"s (or the equivalent) in every diet of exams. I'm now studyingat Edinburgh University. But in spite of all of this, I feel empty. I always put enormous pressure on myself to succeed, and I am crippled by fear before, during and after any exam I take. In fact, I'm eternally in a state of fear when it comes to academic stuff. I'm sure I'll screw up and that I'll need to resit a year or something like that. I'm not sure why I put so much pressure on myself. It might be due to my parents, who are very driven and pushy in this area, but I think it's mainly my own fault. I think that I'm always afraid that I NEED to do well in school and university because it's ALL I HAVE. I have no friends, and no girls like me, so I feel like studying is the one thing I'm good at.
But even that seems hopeless, because I'm sure that once I leave uni (if I haven't finished myself off before then) I'll be so burned out that I will go for a really low-pressure job that gives me just enough to live off. I'm so sick of having to work so hard--- I've worked so hard for years, and it's never brought me happiness. As soon as I pass an exam I worry about the next one. I'm so sick and tired of it all, and so I'm sure if I don't kill myself, I'll end up with a totally average job anyway.
Not that there's anything wrong with that in itself. The problem is that - when you think that school is the ONLY thing you're good at, and you're sure that you'll never have friends, it's difficult to accept that even that hard work comes to nothing.
As for friends, I've just never had any. It's not that people seem to hate me or dislike me--- I was bullied a lot to begin with at school, but by the later years it wasn't so bad. But people are just so universally indifferent to me. It's as if I don't even exist. Even when I was at school, surrounded by people, no-one ever spoke to me. I had three or four "acquaintances" of sorts. People I'd stand with before the bell went and during breaks, but I hardly ever even spoke to them. I just sort of stood there whilst they talked to each other. And I never spoke to them outside of school, or ever went to their houses. They weren't even acquaintances, really. It was just somewhere to stand so that I wasn't sitting alone the whole time. Even then, I ended up sitting alone quite often. Whenever I walked into class, I'd sit at the back by myself. And no-one would ever approach me. It was as if I never existed.
I thought this would change when I went to uni. I got really excited about living ina flat and meeting new people. I thought I could turn over a new leaf. But it didn't happen. I was just scared of the people in my flat. They were perfectly okay, but they got along well with each other and it seemed like I was just an extra. I got increasingly scared and would just lock myself in my room every night. I'd try not to even walk around in my room- to just lie in my bed, because I didn't want anyone to hear my footsteps and know I was there. I hid away. Then I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided that I would go back and live at home, and travel into the city for university each morning. It was utterly humiliating. I have made no friends at uni, and now whilst everyone else is moving into flats with their new friends, I'm stuck living at home. It's embarassing whenever anyone asks me how I'm getting on at uni--- it's embarassing that I'm still at home, with my mother cooking my meals for me. I feel like a dependent child. I hate it.
I just don't know how to speak to people. They terrify me. I was invited to the occasional house party back when I was at school, but I would spend hours literally just standing in the corner of one room with a drink in my hand, staring at the floor to avoid eye contact. I'd not speak to a SINGLE person for hours, then I'd go home and if my parents were still awake they'd ask how the party went--- they didn't know just how alone I was. I would say "oh it was fine", then I'd go to my bed and cry. I'd whisper to myself about how much I hated all of them; how much I wished they would all die. But I knew all along it was only myself I hated.
It has now literally been MONTHS since I have spoken to one person apart from family members, family friends (as in- my parents' friends) or people behind shop counters. I spend my days lying around the house, sometimes reading, but mainly wasting away on the internet. No-one cares about me.
Occasionally - occasionally - a kind soul would have tried to help me: they'd invite me to a party, or to see a movie, or something, but most of the time I'd be too scared and I'd pretend I was busy.
I just really, really want people to like me, but I know that I'm boring and that they would all hate my company if they spent time with me. So I close myself off--- I figure that, if I'm quiet, they'll think I'm an interesting person who's just kinda shy. They won't get to know that I'm a boring, empty loser who just has nothing to say. I don't talk to people because I know they'd like me even less. Best that they are indifferent to me than they can't stand me...
As for girls, I'm the sort of person who obsess over a single girl for months, for years, even when there's no hope that they'd love me back--- I latch onto them and act as though they are the one thing that could possibly pull me out of my misery and self-hatred.
There was one girl in particular, who I was obsessed with for over two years, who broke my heart utterly. I've still not totally recovered.
Her name is Irina. I hardly ever even met her in real life. She was my cousin's ex-girlfriend, but the couple of times we met we actually got on reasonably well, so I started talking to her on Myspace, Facebook, MSN (stupid, stupid, I know...) Soon enough, I became completely obsessed. She was the only girl in the world who had EVER paid attention to me, who I'd "spoken" to for over a minute. Every day when I came back from school I would go through all my mail on all these sites and see if she had written to me. And I'd send replies religiously. I was totally infatuated with her. What a schmuck. For a month or so, she seemed to actually be hinting that she might have sort of liked me, but I see now that she was sort of leading me on. Not that I want to demonise her--- she was just a girl playing me a little; she couldn't possibly realise how deeply it would affect me.
After that month, she got a new boyfriend in her hometown. She seemed to really love him. I would frantically, pathetically send her messages, and she'd hardly ever respond. She'd set her status to "busy" the moment I signed into MSN. She just wanted to get rid of me. She must have thought I was such a creep. But I'd keep sending her messages every now and then. And every now and then, she'd respond. Nothing like what there was before, but of course I (being a pathetic loser) treasured every sentence she typed. I held onto every little shred of hope, even though I knew she must hate me, must think I'm such a creep. This pathetic, intense obsession lasted for two years. It crippled me emotionally. It made me even more withdrawn. This was the one person who had EVER seemed to care, and even she thought I was a joke. I hated everyone, but I hated myself the most.
I'm sure no-one could love me.
Now I'm utterly alone and friendless, I haven't spoken to anyone (besides family) for months, I'm a virgin, no girl haas ever expressed even the slightest interest in me, and I'm sure I'm stuck like this for good.
I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately. I know for a fact that, if I didn't have a family, I would have killed myself long ago. But I have felt trapped. I couldn't possibly let my 8 year old brother have his big brother kill himself, could I?
But I'm slowly beginning to wonder whether even my family can stop me from killing myself now. I see absolutely NOTHING for myself. I'm a pathetic wreck who no-one loves, and I'm sure that my life is going to continue to be so, so awful, miserable and unhappy, and that I'll be alone forever.
I just want a way out. I am slowly drifting towards suicide.
I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do.
That's my story. I'm sorry it's so long. Sorry for wasting your time.
Thank you for reading this. It's good to just be able to say all this stuff. To tell someone how I've been feeling....
Thank you so much.
Well, here goes:
I'm 19 years old, and I've been very unhappy for as long as I can remember. I've never had many friends (at least not since I was about 10...); I've never been in a relationship with a girl; I am very, very frightened and insecure in social situations; and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be friendless and unloved for the rest of my life.
I've always done quite well in school. I went through the Scottish system, and got straight "A"s (or the equivalent) in every diet of exams. I'm now studyingat Edinburgh University. But in spite of all of this, I feel empty. I always put enormous pressure on myself to succeed, and I am crippled by fear before, during and after any exam I take. In fact, I'm eternally in a state of fear when it comes to academic stuff. I'm sure I'll screw up and that I'll need to resit a year or something like that. I'm not sure why I put so much pressure on myself. It might be due to my parents, who are very driven and pushy in this area, but I think it's mainly my own fault. I think that I'm always afraid that I NEED to do well in school and university because it's ALL I HAVE. I have no friends, and no girls like me, so I feel like studying is the one thing I'm good at.
But even that seems hopeless, because I'm sure that once I leave uni (if I haven't finished myself off before then) I'll be so burned out that I will go for a really low-pressure job that gives me just enough to live off. I'm so sick of having to work so hard--- I've worked so hard for years, and it's never brought me happiness. As soon as I pass an exam I worry about the next one. I'm so sick and tired of it all, and so I'm sure if I don't kill myself, I'll end up with a totally average job anyway.
Not that there's anything wrong with that in itself. The problem is that - when you think that school is the ONLY thing you're good at, and you're sure that you'll never have friends, it's difficult to accept that even that hard work comes to nothing.
As for friends, I've just never had any. It's not that people seem to hate me or dislike me--- I was bullied a lot to begin with at school, but by the later years it wasn't so bad. But people are just so universally indifferent to me. It's as if I don't even exist. Even when I was at school, surrounded by people, no-one ever spoke to me. I had three or four "acquaintances" of sorts. People I'd stand with before the bell went and during breaks, but I hardly ever even spoke to them. I just sort of stood there whilst they talked to each other. And I never spoke to them outside of school, or ever went to their houses. They weren't even acquaintances, really. It was just somewhere to stand so that I wasn't sitting alone the whole time. Even then, I ended up sitting alone quite often. Whenever I walked into class, I'd sit at the back by myself. And no-one would ever approach me. It was as if I never existed.
I thought this would change when I went to uni. I got really excited about living ina flat and meeting new people. I thought I could turn over a new leaf. But it didn't happen. I was just scared of the people in my flat. They were perfectly okay, but they got along well with each other and it seemed like I was just an extra. I got increasingly scared and would just lock myself in my room every night. I'd try not to even walk around in my room- to just lie in my bed, because I didn't want anyone to hear my footsteps and know I was there. I hid away. Then I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided that I would go back and live at home, and travel into the city for university each morning. It was utterly humiliating. I have made no friends at uni, and now whilst everyone else is moving into flats with their new friends, I'm stuck living at home. It's embarassing whenever anyone asks me how I'm getting on at uni--- it's embarassing that I'm still at home, with my mother cooking my meals for me. I feel like a dependent child. I hate it.
I just don't know how to speak to people. They terrify me. I was invited to the occasional house party back when I was at school, but I would spend hours literally just standing in the corner of one room with a drink in my hand, staring at the floor to avoid eye contact. I'd not speak to a SINGLE person for hours, then I'd go home and if my parents were still awake they'd ask how the party went--- they didn't know just how alone I was. I would say "oh it was fine", then I'd go to my bed and cry. I'd whisper to myself about how much I hated all of them; how much I wished they would all die. But I knew all along it was only myself I hated.
It has now literally been MONTHS since I have spoken to one person apart from family members, family friends (as in- my parents' friends) or people behind shop counters. I spend my days lying around the house, sometimes reading, but mainly wasting away on the internet. No-one cares about me.
Occasionally - occasionally - a kind soul would have tried to help me: they'd invite me to a party, or to see a movie, or something, but most of the time I'd be too scared and I'd pretend I was busy.
I just really, really want people to like me, but I know that I'm boring and that they would all hate my company if they spent time with me. So I close myself off--- I figure that, if I'm quiet, they'll think I'm an interesting person who's just kinda shy. They won't get to know that I'm a boring, empty loser who just has nothing to say. I don't talk to people because I know they'd like me even less. Best that they are indifferent to me than they can't stand me...
As for girls, I'm the sort of person who obsess over a single girl for months, for years, even when there's no hope that they'd love me back--- I latch onto them and act as though they are the one thing that could possibly pull me out of my misery and self-hatred.
There was one girl in particular, who I was obsessed with for over two years, who broke my heart utterly. I've still not totally recovered.
Her name is Irina. I hardly ever even met her in real life. She was my cousin's ex-girlfriend, but the couple of times we met we actually got on reasonably well, so I started talking to her on Myspace, Facebook, MSN (stupid, stupid, I know...) Soon enough, I became completely obsessed. She was the only girl in the world who had EVER paid attention to me, who I'd "spoken" to for over a minute. Every day when I came back from school I would go through all my mail on all these sites and see if she had written to me. And I'd send replies religiously. I was totally infatuated with her. What a schmuck. For a month or so, she seemed to actually be hinting that she might have sort of liked me, but I see now that she was sort of leading me on. Not that I want to demonise her--- she was just a girl playing me a little; she couldn't possibly realise how deeply it would affect me.
After that month, she got a new boyfriend in her hometown. She seemed to really love him. I would frantically, pathetically send her messages, and she'd hardly ever respond. She'd set her status to "busy" the moment I signed into MSN. She just wanted to get rid of me. She must have thought I was such a creep. But I'd keep sending her messages every now and then. And every now and then, she'd respond. Nothing like what there was before, but of course I (being a pathetic loser) treasured every sentence she typed. I held onto every little shred of hope, even though I knew she must hate me, must think I'm such a creep. This pathetic, intense obsession lasted for two years. It crippled me emotionally. It made me even more withdrawn. This was the one person who had EVER seemed to care, and even she thought I was a joke. I hated everyone, but I hated myself the most.
I'm sure no-one could love me.
Now I'm utterly alone and friendless, I haven't spoken to anyone (besides family) for months, I'm a virgin, no girl haas ever expressed even the slightest interest in me, and I'm sure I'm stuck like this for good.
I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately. I know for a fact that, if I didn't have a family, I would have killed myself long ago. But I have felt trapped. I couldn't possibly let my 8 year old brother have his big brother kill himself, could I?
But I'm slowly beginning to wonder whether even my family can stop me from killing myself now. I see absolutely NOTHING for myself. I'm a pathetic wreck who no-one loves, and I'm sure that my life is going to continue to be so, so awful, miserable and unhappy, and that I'll be alone forever.
I just want a way out. I am slowly drifting towards suicide.
I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do.
That's my story. I'm sorry it's so long. Sorry for wasting your time.
Thank you for reading this. It's good to just be able to say all this stuff. To tell someone how I've been feeling....
Thank you so much.
