New Member Suffering From Depression

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Hi I'm...thefreakyazn. I'm suffering from depression. Why? Tell you the truth I'm not quite positive. I am able to give you guys a starting point though. You see, I fell in love with...a guy...and I'm a guy. But that's just part of the problem. The guy I fell in love with is my own cousin...and he's straight. What makes it worse is that I think that I not only suffer depression but from bipolar traits since half of me loves him but the other half hates him. It's very complicated since it began last summer and it's been one whole year. The guy, my cousin(mike), knows I'm in love with him. Only a few of my friends know I'm bisexual but only Mike and his sister Amy know that I'm in love with Mike. Last weekend, "Cousins' Weekend" was held at my house. Cousins' Weekend is a weekend where a bunch of my cousins come over and party. Mike and his sister of course came over. I'm in love with him and whats worse is that I don't want to be. I've slit my wrists a couple of times that weekend because of all the stress of trying to hide my feelings. You see, I want to commit suicide for a long time but at the same time I don't. But I have to since I can't stand and watch Mike having "sex" or "flirt" with girls. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm only 15 and I'm acting as if I were 50.


Staff Alumni
hi :)
welcome to the forum.
I am sorry you are feeling so desperate, and I'm not sure if I could give you any advice on this matter.Though I would like to try to help, and at least let you know that I'm here to listen. Are you seeing a counselor, getting any professional help? As you said you might be bipolar, maybe it would be worth the try to speak to someone specialized. You are so young, it's a shame that you feel like your life is not worth living.
I hope and believe there will be people around tha might be able to relate to you and give you some usefull tips or skills to cope.
I hope you feel safe and am sure you'll find some support and simpathy here.
Feel free to post whenever you like, and please don't hurt yourself .
Take care


Staff Alumni
hi and welcome

i agree with helena
it would be a very good idea to see someone about your depression.. as for loving a relative ..i cant really say as i have no real knowledge .. but we all have loved soneone inappropiate... a teacher.. friend..married person. hurtful preson.. and there many people that have as you found themselves in love with a relative...these are issues that can be delt with and overcome with therapy.. your love for your cousin could stem from something as innocent as him being kind to you while you two were growing up.. or admiration...
please ... suicide is not the answer.. you have a lot of life and love and happiness to experience...


Staff Alumni
suicide is not the answer.

You are dealing with a LOT of stuff right now for a 15 year old! Regardless of age, what you have described is highly emotionally charged for anyone! But, how we handle highly emotionally charged situations is what were talkling about here. Ideally, you talk to a councelor and express the emotions that are raging inside of you. Coming to this forum and expressing those emotions also helps to cope with them. Journaling or writing them out and thinking through it has helped others and may be a useful coping mechanism. Because, thats what is needed, the ability to cope through this very emotionally charged situation.

Somethings that may help immediately: Emotions feed emotions. The more you think about and need your counsins love the stronger and more obsessed about it you will become. When the emotions are so huge inside you that you can't think or act past them, DISTRACTION is often the best and most readily available coping mechanism. You have to turn your mind around to something opposite. Maybe a video game, a horror or action movie, a long walk and you count each step, and when you loose count start over and count again.

Once you have taken a break from the situation mentally by distraction; however, the problem still remains afterwards but the emotions have calmed down. This is a good time to journal. Just write about your feelings and why you may be having them. Just write what comes to mind and do not censor what you write. This is just for you and can be burned when your done! When you take the time to focus your thoughts onto a peice of paper and just write everything that comes to mind you may actually be surprised by what you have to say on the mater.

I suspect there is a great deal of hurt and anger inside. If it stays inside and ignored it will only hurt more. By seeing a counselor and journaling you are acknowledging your pain and feelings and worries and your needs. You can even use those as headings. My Pain, My Worries, My Feelings, My Needs.

Try it, k?
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I cried when I read both of these posts. I been so alone and isolated from everything ever since last year. The weird thing of why I'm in love with Mike is weird because I don't find anything interesting about him. I don't admire him or anything; so it's kind of weird that I love him. As for seeing a professional about this problem is kinda hard since my family doesn't know anything about this problem and I really don't want them to know, plus I don't want them to spend money on this.
Your family finding out, or money being spent...these things don't matter that much as long as you feel better. Really. People who care about you, when confronted with situations like depression and other stuff, usually just want you to feel better. :hug:
I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. I don't think there's any advice I can give you (I'm 17 and have never been in love with anyone) but if you need an ear or whatever, we're, and I'm, here for you :hug:
Take care, I hope you get this sorted out somehow,



Staff Alumni
You can still see a school councelor and your family doesn't have to know. There are guidelines and privacy issues that counselors, ministers, and therapists must follow. Unless you divulge that you are planning to hurt or have hurt someone it's all confidential. So, you can still have that talk with a councelor and your parents will never have to know. (At least, in the states it's like that).

In the meantime you have us.

I think it's interesting that you are obsessed about being in love with your counsin but are not actually "in love" or attracted to him. The obsession may have a deeper root. Any idea what that may be?


Staff Alumni
hey there...

so glad you found some comfort here.. hope it continues... i just thought you could see someone about the depression.. could you tell your parents that you want to see your family doctor... if you talked to him/ her about this ... your depression they may be able to help .. and the doctor can not break your confidence.... as for money your folks may have insurance.. if not many services are free or are based on a sliding scale .. which makes the payments very low...

one thing i can tell you as a mother .. my child means so much more to me than my money.. i can enjoy my child without my money .. but .... money will bring little joy with out her...

hugs and hope ...
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