I remember being sad as a child but it wasnt until I became an adult did I realize it was depression, I have had a diagnosis of severe depression and I am on medication. I have been on meds for years but cant find the right fit, in that they dont really help. My depression has different triggers and it gets worse the older I get. I grieve for the old me because I use to be able to cope with my life and all that was thrown at me. One event changed all that and each bout gets worse. I think the biggest frustration is getting someone to listen and really hear me. My health issues make the depression unbearable and suicide has been in my head for a long time. What is really eerie for me these days is that I think of ways to end my life, and the impulses are becoming harder and harder to fight. Before, I thought of my family and always had a reason to fight the feelings but these days its just not enough. Enjoyment in my life is fleeting. I am happy for short periods of time and almost always involve my 13 month old granddaughter. She loves me in spite of my flaws and warts. The rest of my family take my emotions as weakness. I hear that " you have been sick most of our lives" like I chose that for myself. They make me feel guilty about something of which I had no control over. IT really hurts. How long are you able to feel that way before you decide enough is enough?