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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bsmith5, Aug 9, 2011.

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  1. bsmith5

    bsmith5 New Member

    I have joined this site in the hope of hearing from people who have felt like me and succeeded in overcoming their feelings.

    I a white male aged 60 married with children and grandchildren, unfortunately I had a rather loveless up bringing which has left me with this need to be loved and liked, unfortunately this has not happened and I now feel there is not much hope of it happening at my age and current health.

    This has left me with a constant feeling that I should call it a day and end my life.

    If only I could find a way to wake up each day without feeling so angry, lonely and suicidal

  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Do you not even feel like your kids love you? I have been in that place, teenagers can get really mouthy and they just don't apprieciate their parents like they should, but I know, regardless of whatever happens, that they both love me very much. Knowing I have them, gives me a reason to fight.

    Maybe depression can be cured, but I look at it more like a disease, one that can go into remission, and then flare up and start all over again. I used to have severe depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder. I think I have mostly overcome the anxiety issues, I have also overcame living in a non-stop daily state of feeling suicidal. I did not die from my overdoses and I am really glad that I didn't.

    I want to be here, I want to live my life to the fullest. You only get one chance at this, right??

    I still get depressed sometimes, but it is mainly because of my health problems.
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. We have all succeeded if we are still alive.

    Now that the political correct statement is out of the way, I am still trying to figure out how to succeed in overcoming bad feelings. I'm not sure I can be much help to you.

    Here is some advice. Be honest with us and we will try and be as supportive as you need us to be. Most of all be honest with yourself. Without self honesty your road is much steeper and difficult.

    Yeah I know, that's not helpful.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Bob and welcome...many people here feel as you described...we wake up look at what we should be able to attach to, and feel distanced...are you working with anyone to see how you can feel less like this? I hope you continue to post and tell us what is going on for you...welcome again, J
  5. bsmith5

    bsmith5 New Member

    Thanks for all the warm replies, my sons are way past their teens, their in their 30s in fact. One don't talk to me as he owes me a large sum of money, I think he engineered an argument so as not to have to pay the money back.
    The other one my eldest only contacts me when he want's something (mostly money which I don't have, but I don't believe they realise I'm on a pension so am struggling like everyone else) and then goes through the wife rather then me.

    My doctor just prescribes medication and tells they have no money for counselling, so all in all not a very good place to be when you have depression and suicidal thoughts.

    Thing is all I ever wanted in life was the proverbial cuddle and to feel I’m loved, did once pay a counsellor who said my up bringing was so devoid of affection and love, it had left me with an overwhelming feeling off wanting to be loved. Unfortunately, because of the damage done to me, I seem to only be attract people who are in somewhat the same boat (for example unable to show love, especially the touchy-feely kind), which as with my marrage has turned out to make maters much worse.

    So I have never felt what it is like to be really loved or to feel part of something (a group of friends or family).

    As I’m getting older I’m increasingly beginning to realise that it is not going to happen in my life time, so there seems no point in continuing such an empty and lonely life.

    I have one thing only stopping me taking the plung and that's my daughter who lives a 100+ miles away, she does love me in a father-daughter way, which goes a little way towards feeling part of a family. Unfortunately I could not unload my feelings on her as she has her own family to worry about, besides living so far away it would not be fair to load her with guilt when she has done nothing wrong let alone the conflick it may cause between her and her mum.

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wecome to SF i am glad you have your daughters love hun she will always need her father I know you feel distant from your family i feel that way too so far away yet i know they do care as does your wife and sons Hope you continue to post okay let out the sadness here okay we all understand
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF! I know it is diffcult when your family live in different parts of the country. All my family live across the country but I still live with mum and dad. My nan is in a similar position to you as my uncle owes her a lot of money and they have fallen out. What is your relationship with your wife like? Could you possibly confide in her about how you feel? Would moving closer to your daughter help at all and is it an option?

    I am sorry you feel so low right now. Please don't feel alone though, we are here to support you hun in any way we can. Please use us to get out how you feel, we may not be able to wave a magic wand but it may help you feel better and see things more clearly and even look at things in a different light. :) :hug:
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Bob! Welcome to SF. I know the feeling of wanting to love and be loved all too well. :hug: This site has helped me more than counseling has, although I still wish your doctor would let you have counseling since you want it. Take care.
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I do know how you feel to some degree. I've never had a relationship with someone that genuinely seemed to care, and all I have ever truely wanted from life, was to have someone I could share my life with that did love me. And it hurts that I don't have that and I don't know that I ever will. But I think most everyone has the desire to feel loved and apprieciated. You might think your wife is loveless, but deep down, she might feel the same way that you do. Sounds like you've been married for along time, I think it would be worth putting some effort into, to try to make it better. Just start telling her why you apprieciate her, (this may sound corny but it's still sweet), write love quotes to her and put it on her pillow at night, buy her flowers, anything you can do to show some extra affection, I know that I'd really adore such little jestures, if I were in her shoes. Maybe if you start showing your wife the love your seeking for yourself, maybe ... she'll be able to return such feelings toward you.
  10. bsmith5

    bsmith5 New Member

    Thank you for that, yes we have been together a long time, 40 years to be exact, but I was always told marrage was for life, so I have stuck at it.
    Unfortunately my wife has always lacked the ability to show emotion which has lead to my breakdown. (I have always used the excuse that things will improve when xxx)

    How to move forward I don't know, I'm having real problems letting go of what might have been during our time to tegether, but at our age cannot happen now.

    Also how to cope with living with someone you love but blame for so much of your unhappiness at the same time.

    To be honest at the moment I feel like just calling it a day and ending it all, so living each hour is a up hill stuggle which I fear I may lose.

    We have at long last started to talk a little, but I wonder if that has come about more because of my failed suicide attemps and not out of a real concern to make amends and create a relationship where we can continue to live together with some degree of happiness.
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