New mom wanting to die

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by hushed, Oct 5, 2006.

  1. hushed

    hushed New Member

    I'm 23 years old and a new mom of a beautiful baby boy (he's one month old today)... I have a history of severe depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD and I'm a recovering anorexic. All of these disorders were in check prior to and during my pregnancy. ( I had been okay for about a year prior)

    Since my child's birth, I have been spiralling downward. My husband works so I have to stay home with the baby... He's not what most would call a good baby. He has colic, and mostly at night.. so I am getting no sleep. I'm exhausted, I'm isolated, I'm healing from my c-section and I'm incredibly lonely.... I cry constantly. I've gone back to cutting myself - the self-mutilation being the only release I have. I'm suicidal... I sit in the bathroom for hours, crying, staring at razors and fantasizing about ending my life.

    I question myself, my ability to be a good mother, my ability as a human being... and i truly feel, at times, that my child would be better off without me.

    My husband isn't much emotional support... he makes comments about what a horrible mother I am because I sometimes lose my cool and "yell" at my baby. When I cry.. he says he was joking.

    I already suffer from a low self-esteem.. his comments don't help.

    I'm losing control of myself and the situation.. which inevitably has made me go back to my old habits of starving myself. (not that I have the time to eat even if I wanted to)..

    I love my child with every fiber in my being.. I want to be a good mother for him.. but how can I be a good mother to a little one when I can't even be healthy enough to take care of myself, to control myself..?

    I'm at wits end.. suicide is constantly on my mind now.. I'm afraid that I'm going to go into a mad fit of rage and I will cut too deep.. I feel helpless and inadequate.. beyond description.

    I don't even know why I'm writing this... I stumbled upon this forum.. and honestly, I doubt that anyone here can help me, or help alleviate these feelings and thoughts I am experiencing - perhaps I just need to vent. Who knows.. Who knows if I'll even live through another day to figure it out.
     
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Hushed;

    I'm by no means a professional, but I've had four kids and I would guess that you may be suffering - and I do mean SUFFERING - from post-partum depression. Especially since you've had similar problems in the past. And, imho, your husband is less than no help, he's contributing to your bad feelings. You are NOT a horrible mother - you're aware, painfully aware, of your feelings and want to bring them under control. Please PLEASE seek help now, right now, call the mental health agency in your community now, or tomorrow morning early, and get help before you harm yourself and your child (by your demise) in any way. Please DON'T give in to these feelings - you are a human being and worthy of your life - you deserve to have support (which it doesn't seem that you're getting:mad: ) and feel better about yourself and your motherhood. Please PLEASE get help for yourself - never mind your husband, what he says or thinks - get help for yourself. Being a mother is hard enough - and my first three kids had colic too! - without someone who is supposed to love and support and help you tearing you down.

    I care deeply what happens to you 'cause I've been in your shoes - only without the husband, I was a single mom. Please PM me if you need to talk further or anything. I wish I was next door so I could take the baby for a few hours and let you relax a bit. Know that I love you and care about you. I may be far away, I may be nearer than I know - but I am here for you.:smile:

    love,

    least xoxoxox
     
  3. Dragon's Eye

    Dragon's Eye Well-Known Member

    Hi, have you tried talkin to a psychologist? You should give it a try, it may not help, but you have nothin to lose. Remember that you're the one who gave birth to the baby-boy, you must have gone through a lot to do that. So it's no doubt that you will love the baby with everything you've got. Of course I'm not female, so I will never know how u are feeling. But I can tell you this, when the baby is old enough to walk and learn to talk. He'll be actually cheering you up, and make you really proud of him.
     
  4. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    HI! You were able to stumble across this forum cuz we can understand and have been there.

    If you have no one, or no courage to call or go to a crisis, hospital place then, tell you oby/gyn that helped you deliver. Ask them for help at where to turn. If you don't it could turn out fatally. I too care and really, really would hate for something to happen to you.
    My son is now 3 yrs old. I was depressed when he was 16 months and I did not know it....long story. If you want to chat or talk please PM me.
    I, like least, do care. Send us an update.

    TLA