I'm 23 years old and a new mom of a beautiful baby boy (he's one month old today)... I have a history of severe depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD and I'm a recovering anorexic. All of these disorders were in check prior to and during my pregnancy. ( I had been okay for about a year prior) Since my child's birth, I have been spiralling downward. My husband works so I have to stay home with the baby... He's not what most would call a good baby. He has colic, and mostly at night.. so I am getting no sleep. I'm exhausted, I'm isolated, I'm healing from my c-section and I'm incredibly lonely.... I cry constantly. I've gone back to cutting myself - the self-mutilation being the only release I have. I'm suicidal... I sit in the bathroom for hours, crying, staring at razors and fantasizing about ending my life. I question myself, my ability to be a good mother, my ability as a human being... and i truly feel, at times, that my child would be better off without me. My husband isn't much emotional support... he makes comments about what a horrible mother I am because I sometimes lose my cool and "yell" at my baby. When I cry.. he says he was joking. I already suffer from a low self-esteem.. his comments don't help. I'm losing control of myself and the situation.. which inevitably has made me go back to my old habits of starving myself. (not that I have the time to eat even if I wanted to).. I love my child with every fiber in my being.. I want to be a good mother for him.. but how can I be a good mother to a little one when I can't even be healthy enough to take care of myself, to control myself..? I'm at wits end.. suicide is constantly on my mind now.. I'm afraid that I'm going to go into a mad fit of rage and I will cut too deep.. I feel helpless and inadequate.. beyond description. I don't even know why I'm writing this... I stumbled upon this forum.. and honestly, I doubt that anyone here can help me, or help alleviate these feelings and thoughts I am experiencing - perhaps I just need to vent. Who knows.. Who knows if I'll even live through another day to figure it out.