New-need some encouragement

I have been sick on and off for three years with C Diff, my father Died, had some issues in my marriage(we have seen a counselor and it helped us a lot, we are doing better) and I was abused by my mother as a child(I am 49 year old male). I am on Cymbalta for the depression and I have other physical issues that I fight thru(A Fib, Cyst on Kidney, low thyroid, GERD, C Diff) and this has certainly helped put me into physical depression by limiting the amount of seratonin my brain is getting thus the Cymbalta. I have thought many times how if I could just go to sleep and not wake up, how peaceful that would be. I miss my Dad terribly, he was the person on earth who loved me unconditionally. Am I miserable? Not really, more numb, robotic, going through motions. I don not look forward to getting up each day. It is not fair to my wife, who has to live with this. I am not abusive, would NEVER hit or be verbally abusive, I am just emotionally absent many days. We covered all of this in counseling and it helped us both. Despite all this, I feel lost. Like life(I am a believer in GOD) has no meaning and what meaning it does have is distorted with pain. We have two boys who I am so proud of, one in the Air Force and one graduated college. Honestly, my wife and sons are the only reason I have not ventured further into contemplating suicide by planning it. I have 3 suicides on my Dad's side of family and my Mom tried 3 times when I was young(pills twice then slit her wrists another time in front of us). I have been wanting to spill out these feelings but you cant tell anyone around you cause you either scare them to death or they think you are crazy. I dont want to feel this way but I do and it has been this way for a year. Thanks for listening.

 

your family love you, stick with then, keep going on, even if you're going in a slow pace, is good as long as you don't stop

when you are feeling down, take your time, some breaths and in the mean time the sadness get weaker (believe it)

your body may be weak, but if you do have a srtong will, miracles CAN happen, there's on case in china where a guy lost half of his body and mananged to work again

whenever you feel down like this you can come here, we will hear you, and confort you in any way we can so hang on

:hug: L.

 

Well! no wonder you are depressed.
A lot of us will relate to not being able to say exactly how we feel, so welcome to the forum, because here you can say what you like and no one is going to freak out on you. :hug:

 

Just to back up lkt - what he says is so right - and he is only 16!

Its your first post and that is the first step to actually dealing with your issues. Opening up is the key - we cannot bottle things up and expect to be able to function 100%.

Maybe the meds need adjusting - or maybe even reducing or something. Serotonin can be made naturally - its a chemical we already have but the meds stop the spare chemical being taken back up via the brains mechanism. So we have more - but at a price sometimes - as side effects can include all the bad stuff you actually want to get rid of!

Your family matter - having that is a great help and I'm only 3 years younger than you - not got my own family so you done something right!

I got enough kids in my life through my siblings and extended family. All the fun but without the changing of the nappy and waking up at 4.00am to feed the little monsters! Well - angels actually - almost - I mean angels don't need nappies changing. Don't think they eat, but that is a theological or metaphysical question and maybe a question too far!

So - enjoy the kids - and grandkids!

And as stated above - you got us and will get to know people here.

Regards.

 

Tis my pleasure to be one of the first to welcome you to this forum. I'm sure there are others around here who can relate to different things you are going through. What's so cool is that the ages of people on here vary widely, and you're in a different stage of life than I am. So many worlds of experience packed within one forum.

:hugtackles:

 

Rise like a phoenix.

 

Thanks for the encouraging words, they mean a lot. I have lost 9 pounds in 14 days, not eating at all. I try to put on a brave face and use humor as a defense mechanism(I have the sarcastic wit of English Comedy as my Mom was English and when she was not hitting us she could be rather funny). I went to dr today to get new meds for C Diff and told her I was really deeply depressed. They left Cymbalta where it was for now.

 

Congratulations on the weight loss! Keep up the good work! :hugtackles:

 

I am so glad that you found this forum. It has been a life saver to me. This forum is a real place of healing. It has happend to me and I have only been here for a month or so. I am a single, 55 yo male with pretty much the same problems as you. I have many physical problems that cause me constant pain. I have always had psychological problems. The two combined are a real bear. I am on Cymbalta as well. It does help (most of the time). Don't be concerned about sharing things here. Were are all here for the same reason. There are no judgment issues here. Let things out.
Your problems will not go away by being here, they will be seen by many and you will get encouragment! Some times that is all that is needed to make your day a little better: a kind word, a word of advice, or just someone saying you are ok for feeling the way you do.

Good luck, buddy. Keep up the fight. It is worth it.

Joe

 

Welcome to SF!!!

Sorry you're struggling so much, your feelings are ENTIRELY valid!!! ANYONE going through all you're going through would struggle, so please be kind to yourself. Vent, and get it all out, I struggle physically too and I have found that putting my thoughts as posts has helped me understand them and get perspective. Everyone is so kind and supportive and its amazing how kind words and encouragement can help to heal a little. Sometimes making it possible to get through what seems like an impossible day.

Take care

Ditsy

 

Thanks again, it really helps to know that my feelings are warranted. Sometimes I feel like I am having a pity party and I fight harder, that leaves me mentally exhausted. It is hard to be "Up" for people when you fight internally all day long just to survive. You guys have been a real help, thank you. I look for reasons every day to stay alive, some days that is difficult...