I have been sick on and off for three years with C Diff, my father Died, had some issues in my marriage(we have seen a counselor and it helped us a lot, we are doing better) and I was abused by my mother as a child(I am 49 year old male). I am on Cymbalta for the depression and I have other physical issues that I fight thru(A Fib, Cyst on Kidney, low thyroid, GERD, C Diff) and this has certainly helped put me into physical depression by limiting the amount of seratonin my brain is getting thus the Cymbalta. I have thought many times how if I could just go to sleep and not wake up, how peaceful that would be. I miss my Dad terribly, he was the person on earth who loved me unconditionally. Am I miserable? Not really, more numb, robotic, going through motions. I don not look forward to getting up each day. It is not fair to my wife, who has to live with this. I am not abusive, would NEVER hit or be verbally abusive, I am just emotionally absent many days. We covered all of this in counseling and it helped us both. Despite all this, I feel lost. Like life(I am a believer in GOD) has no meaning and what meaning it does have is distorted with pain. We have two boys who I am so proud of, one in the Air Force and one graduated college. Honestly, my wife and sons are the only reason I have not ventured further into contemplating suicide by planning it. I have 3 suicides on my Dad's side of family and my Mom tried 3 times when I was young(pills twice then slit her wrists another time in front of us). I have been wanting to spill out these feelings but you cant tell anyone around you cause you either scare them to death or they think you are crazy. I dont want to feel this way but I do and it has been this way for a year. Thanks for listening.