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New, Nervous, but Wanting Help

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by forSincerity, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. forSincerity

    forSincerity Member

    Hi all,

    This is my first time being part of a forum of this sort, so I'm unsure what to expect. But I decided that it would be better to find help than to continue bottling these things.

    I've always been thinking of suicide as on the table, as an option for me while I have been staying up and crying all night. I have been thinking about suicide for a while, and have been writing suicide notes, etc. Recently my suicidal thoughts have escalated intensely, to the point where I want to take action now.

    I surely hope that the core reason that my recent suicidal thoughts have escalated and are approaching action doesn't appear idiotic. However, this by no means inspired my suicidal thoughts, and definitely only supplements the main reasons that I have these thoughts in the first place.

    But I am a member of Xanga, and this entry was on the front page as a "Top Blog" a few days ago, and it changed things for me.
    <URL removed by request.>
    WARNING: Discretion advised, the link contains a video of a man hanging himself. I was personally *not* given any discretion, and watched it blindly in disbelief that Xanga would allow a video of this nature on their front page, and I can't get it out of my mind ever since. It was my first time witnessing anything of that nature. It horrified me.

    But it made it so real for me. How it took him sheer minutes to end it all. How I could end it all just as easily. In a few minutes, I could be gone. I could be done. I could escape, just like that. I could escape so easily.

    I lied in bed last night crying for a few hours, thinking about how to kill myself, thinking about putting my suicide into action, until I finally realized that I didn't want to be thinking these kinds of things. I started to contemplate getting help before I went too far.

    And today, I went driving down some empty backroads and I started speeding, and held my breath as I was about to drive off the road and into a tree so I could die. I chickened out, I chickened out for the SOLE reason that I didn't want my face to be ruined and be forced to have a closed-casket funeral, I want my family to be able to see my face one more time before they bury me. I chickened out and I decided that when I came home, I needed to find help. So I came here.

    It's my first time truly talking about this with anyone, so I'm very nervous.

    Please treat me kindly.

    Thank you for your time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome:hugtackles:
    I hope you find the support here you need

    You may want to get rid of the link though before any one watches as it may trigger. I wish i hadnt watched but you did warn i suppose.:unsure:
  3. forSincerity

    forSincerity Member

    Thanks, and I've removed accordingly.
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Hello and welcome, my PM box and from there my MSN details are always open to anyone here. I hope you find the support and help you want and need.

  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF...I'm glad you decided to look for help...
    well done for reaching out..
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I hope you can find some sort of comfort or help here.
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    :) Just wanted to say hi and welcome.
    I think you are on the right track, it might seem the opposite, but you feel you dont want to be thinking about this the way you are. It might take some time to re-affirm that in yourself, but it will happen.

    Just be you :) And dont forget the good times youve had. They're here right now, and right ahead of you. Death is natural, just as life is :) It's all about how we look at life. Wishing you the best
  8. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi for sincerity hope things are ok welcome to sf
    ill never understand how people can post such things without giving warnings as to what may happen to us on edge
    but i hope you can get past this
    pm me if you like
  9. forSincerity

    forSincerity Member

    Thanks all for the warm welcomes.

    I'm feeling relatively better today than I did when I posted. I'm thankful for this. I hope that things get better, suicide is definitely still on the mind. I have planned it, never attempted before, but I'm feeling close. I've been obsessed with thoughts about suicide recently. I don't want to get to that point, but I've been just feeling so depressed lately.

    Nonetheless, I hope I continue to feel better in future days, if future days are even still in store for me. But it is comforting to know that I've at least reached out for help, and that this community is willing to receive me.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! Have you talked to your doctor about this??I was suicidal for along time with three attempts.. Now I am on a regiment of meds that help keep me stable..Therapy really helps also.. It gives you someone you can trust and talk things over..Take Care!!
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