Hi all, This is my first time being part of a forum of this sort, so I'm unsure what to expect. But I decided that it would be better to find help than to continue bottling these things. I've always been thinking of suicide as on the table, as an option for me while I have been staying up and crying all night. I have been thinking about suicide for a while, and have been writing suicide notes, etc. Recently my suicidal thoughts have escalated intensely, to the point where I want to take action now. I surely hope that the core reason that my recent suicidal thoughts have escalated and are approaching action doesn't appear idiotic. However, this by no means inspired my suicidal thoughts, and definitely only supplements the main reasons that I have these thoughts in the first place. But I am a member of Xanga, and this entry was on the front page as a "Top Blog" a few days ago, and it changed things for me. <URL removed by request.> WARNING: Discretion advised, the link contains a video of a man hanging himself. I was personally *not* given any discretion, and watched it blindly in disbelief that Xanga would allow a video of this nature on their front page, and I can't get it out of my mind ever since. It was my first time witnessing anything of that nature. It horrified me. But it made it so real for me. How it took him sheer minutes to end it all. How I could end it all just as easily. In a few minutes, I could be gone. I could be done. I could escape, just like that. I could escape so easily. I lied in bed last night crying for a few hours, thinking about how to kill myself, thinking about putting my suicide into action, until I finally realized that I didn't want to be thinking these kinds of things. I started to contemplate getting help before I went too far. And today, I went driving down some empty backroads and I started speeding, and held my breath as I was about to drive off the road and into a tree so I could die. I chickened out, I chickened out for the SOLE reason that I didn't want my face to be ruined and be forced to have a closed-casket funeral, I want my family to be able to see my face one more time before they bury me. I chickened out and I decided that when I came home, I needed to find help. So I came here. It's my first time truly talking about this with anyone, so I'm very nervous. Please treat me kindly. Thank you for your time.