New person here frusterated and pissed off at myself and the world

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TiredEmptyShell, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. I don't really know where to begin. I've never done anything like this before and I'm afraid to talk about myself publicly.

    Everything is messed up. I hate it. My favorite activity is sleeping these days. I'm 35, never could get a career going, hated school and got bullied a lot. So I didn't want to go to college. My parents have been helping me out financially for what has been years now. I can never get anything going that works out.

    I had a girlfriend for about 2.5 years, with a few breakups in between. Our final break up was a few weeks ago. She's really successful and makes good money. I don't know why she loved me, but she never really wanted to spend any time with me. Just wanted me there in case she needed someone.

    I don't have my house anymore, not that I deserved to have one. My parents were paying my rent and I was trying to find work and take over the rent. The bank took it from the landlord. The landlord let me move into a room in his house and doesn't charge me rent. I spend my days in this room, and staring at the walls. I completely embarrassed about who I am and hate my life. It's been a colossal failure. I know I need to leave here, but I have no where to go and can't find a job.

    I used to have lots of friends. Over the years, they started families and moved on, or just got sick of talking to me cause I've never been happy and I'm a drag. I don't know why I keep doing this(living). Seams like the more years pass, the more damage I do around me.

    I miss my ex-girlfriend a little, but not that much since she didn't even want to do anything with me and it's not that different being single again. A very young girl from my favorite restaurant has come over and visited with me. She's only 22 and she's sweet, caring, and has a huge heart. I can't stop thinking about her after only seeing her a couple times and it's driving me crazy. She's so beautiful and I want to hold her so badly and kiss her, but I know nothing could ever happen with me being so old and more than likely she will get tired of me and leave like everyone else. I think about her all the time and it makes me feel so shitty inside. WTF am I thinking? She's so young! I just think about her constantly and want to hold her next to me so tightly.

    All my things are in storage. I'm a huge financial drain on my family, and it's only a matter of time before my last friends leave and never talk to me again. I feel like a cancer that just messes everything up around me and makes life a drag for people. But when I ever divulge anything about me wanting to leave, all I get is a bunch of flack about how selfish it is.

    What the fuck?! Was I put here to entertain people and make them laugh? I don't want to hurt anyone if I bail, and I think they'd be better off, but I don't want to be around when they all bail and just sit here and get older and older all alone and as a failure. I don't even want to out live my cat, because I know I couldn't bare to lose him.

    Recently my friend made me a facebook. I didn't want one, but he did. I couldn't help but look around at all my old friends. They have beautiful wives and kids, accomplishments listed on their pages of schools or great careers. I don't have dick, just a long life of failures, disappointment, and humiliation to look back on. Everything I have ever tried has failed and I just want to turn this all off. Failed relationships, bad decisions and being embarrassed.

    As it is, there are so many messes around me to clean up I don't know what to do. I drink too much, I don't know how to do anything worthwhile, Can't make any money. I know no woman could ever love me or want to be with someone like me, and I don't blame them. There's just really not much for me to live for and I don't want to keep going much longer.

    sorry for making this so long
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Welcome to SF. If you need anything at all feel free to PM me anytime
     
  3. Jussy

    Jussy New Member

    Sounds pretty hectic but not a very good reason to vacate (now there's a eupamism for you:)
    You said something about being put here, like you come from somewhere else; now there's an interesting point to ponder. Like, if you came from somewhere then I guess you're going somewhere too - the only question is WHERE?
    It also sounds like you believe that you are here for a reason and that the reason is to be a success in the eyes of the world; do you really care what the world thinks of you. I think the reason you are here is yet to be revealed. But I don't think it's gonna happen till you kick your drinking habbit that you confessed to in your final paragraph. Also, stop worrying about how you're gonna be good enogh for some woman; you can be happy as a bachelor! I find relationships exasperating - but ok, that's me.

    What you need is drastic CHANGE.; and the only way that's gonna happen is if you DO something drastic. I've mentioned kicking your drinking habbit but there may be many others that have to go. Hey man, sometimes you gotta make sacrifices. Please note: I don't mean kick the bucket, ok!

    Why don't you make a list of goals and go to a church pastor and ask him to review it and pray for you. You may find nothing happens for ages, but that doesn't mean nothing is happening. Something will happen eventually, you'll see. One day you'll be sitting on your porch (with your cat on your lap) staring at the sunset thinking to to yourself: "..and to think, I was gonna end it all. I must have been insane". Just then a gorgeous blonde joins you and says, "You know, TiredEmptyShell, I am soooo proud of you". Hey, stop rolling your eyes, this IS possible :) Or maybe you'll end up a missionary in Somalia helping people with less hope than you have right now.

    Life is not about making money, that's where everyone goes wrong. It's about finding God; Jesus showed the way. If you think that's nonsense, then you will have to go round and round and round and round and round and round until you realise that the Creator is the only one that you have to impress and the way to do that is so simple: believe in Jesus. submit to His will and be humble. The rest will fall into place and you will have treasures in Heaven that will make you truly rich. But you gotta have patience; lots and lots of it! So believe and act as if yours prayers have already been answered. People may think you're crazy but that's a whole lot better than those same people sayin: "agg, shame, poor guy got such a bad lot in life no wonder he blew himself up. Shame, shame , shame." Do you really want all that patronizing pity. I'd rather hear God say: "Well done good and faithful servant., you really showed them, my boy!"
     
  4. lost-one

    lost-one New Member

    Hi TiredEmptyShell,
    I'm glad that you have decided to seek the help from others. It is such a hard step to take. I first became a member a few years back when I was feeling empty and alone too. I got some really good advice from other embers, and it helped me to cope with how I was feeling. I tried to take my life when I was at my worst, but was unsuccessful; they revived me at the last possible minute. I spent months in a rehab trying to fix the damage I had done to my brain, that it turn affected the rest of my body. My ex was there for me when I was in rehab. She is a angel. She was my angel. I miss her so badly.

    It sounds like you are going through some of the same things that I did. I have been depressed off and on for most of my adult life, but it got really bad when my business went belly up and I lost everything; my house, car, quad, and eventually the love of my life. I gave up on life and just didn't give a F$## anymore. I started partying, drinking everyday sometimes all day, hanging around with people that were loosers because that made me feel like less of one, and even dipping into some recreational drug use. I was a mess, noone worth a damn wanted to be around me, but I didn't care because I still had all those loosers that were my "friends". I hit my all time low when the love of my life took off. I was so mad at her for it; I hated her and blamed it all on her. I thought she was just uncaring I was better off without her. It was the biggest mistake of my life. It was me and how I was living my life that drove her away. Kinda like how you said that your friends are mostly gone now because they don't want to be around someone that is a drag.
    I had hit a low that was a little worse off than you are. When I lost my business I could only survive for a short time on the money that I had stashed away. I don't have any family that gives a S&%$ about me, so they never helped me out. You are very fortunate that your family helps you. You have to try to remember to think of all the good things. Sure you live in someone elses house, but at least you live in a house. I got to the point of sleeping in my truck because I didn't have a house. Sometimes I would go stay ay my exs house, but I, like you, just felt that I was a burden so I didn't want to. She eventually started distancing herself from me because I was always drunk/high and in a bad mood. She didn't want to go in public with me because I was such a mess sometimes I would lashout at her for no reason. She was the only thing that I had left and I pushed her away. It was my fault and it was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I waited about 6 months to try to talk to her again because I was so mad at her. She finally then told me why she left and it crushed me inside. She wasn't the b%^$@ I thouht she was. You said that you and your ex were together for a few years and that she didn't want to do anything with you or spend time together, so you think she doesn't love you and you're better off now chasing after the fake dream of the 22 year old. The young girl is just there to destract you from your reality. You mentioned your ex at the beginning and again. I think deep down you miss her more than you say because of the destraction. From my personal experience, chicks that stay with a guy like us for that long are there because she loves him; they are the one. Theyre angels and we need them. Please dont make the same mistake I did. you will regret it for ever. (Ijust found out my ex got engaged, and i will still try to get her back untill they wed)
    You seem to be down about everything in your life. I know that feeling bro. That feeling alone will ruin you life. You can't be successful if you always are down about life. I finally got help about a year ago and started talking to the psych in the homeless shelter I was staying in. I just a couple months ago landed a crappy job making pennies but its a job!!!!!! It made me feel so much better. I got a little studio apt and am starting to get my life back together one step at a time. it takes a long time to come out of a deep hole. Please don't think that you will make anyones life better by ending yours. I lost my best friend to suicide yeas back and I still feel guilty and miss him. There is hope for you. You are in the hole, but you can climb out. Please believe that bro.
    If you are religious, take the advice from Jussy; it seems pretty sound advice. Im not, so I didnt go that route, but it may work fr you. Little things in my life are getting better everyday, and I know that it can be the same for you. I like the idea of making a goals list. But you have to remeber to focus on one at a time, or it will just be too overwhelming and you will crumple it up.
    Stay with us and maybe get some other help from a professional, your family, or a friend. Just remember you can come out of the hole.
     
  5. lost-one

    lost-one New Member

    Hi TiredEmptyShell,
    I'm glad that you have decided to seek the help from others. It is such a hard step to take. I first became a member a few years back when I was feeling empty and alone too. I got some really good advice from other embers, and it helped me to cope with how I was feeling. I tried to take my life when I was at my worst, but was unsuccessful; they revived me at the last possible minute. I spent months in a rehab trying to fix the damage I had done to my brain, that it turn affected the rest of my body. My ex was there for me when I was in rehab. She is a angel. She was my angel. I miss her so badly.

    It sounds like you are going through some of the same things that I did. I have been depressed off and on for most of my adult life, but it got really bad when my business went belly up and I lost everything; my house, car, quad, and eventually the love of my life. I gave up on life and just didn't give a F$## anymore. I started partying, drinking everyday sometimes all day, hanging around with people that were loosers because that made me feel like less of one, and even dipping into some recreational drug use. I was a mess, noone worth a damn wanted to be around me, but I didn't care because I still had all those loosers that were my "friends". I hit my all time low when the love of my life took off. I was so mad at her for it; I hated her and blamed it all on her. I thought she was just uncaring I was better off without her. It was the biggest mistake of my life. It was me and how I was living my life that drove her away. Kinda like how you said that your friends are mostly gone now because they don't want to be around someone that is a drag.
    I had hit a low that was a little worse off than you are. When I lost my business I could only survive for a short time on the money that I had stashed away. I don't have any family that gives a S&%$ about me, so they never helped me out. You are very fortunate that your family helps you. You have to try to remember to think of all the good things. Sure you live in someone elses house, but at least you live in a house. I got to the point of sleeping in my truck because I didn't have a house. Sometimes I would go stay ay my exs house, but I, like you, just felt that I was a burden so I didn't want to. She eventually started distancing herself from me because I was always drunk/high and in a bad mood. She didn't want to go in public with me because I was such a mess sometimes I would lashout at her for no reason. She was the only thing that I had left and I pushed her away. It was my fault and it was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I waited about 6 months to try to talk to her again because I was so mad at her. She finally then told me why she left and it crushed me inside. She wasn't the b%^$@ I thouht she was. You said that you and your ex were together for a few years and that she didn't want to do anything with you or spend time together, so you think she doesn't love you and you're better off now chasing after the fake dream of the 22 year old. The young girl is just there to destract you from your reality. You mentioned your ex at the beginning and again. I think deep down you miss her more than you say because of the destraction. From my personal experience, chicks that stay with a guy like us for that long are there because she loves him; they are the one. Theyre angels and we need them. Please dont make the same mistake I did. you will regret it for ever. (Ijust found out my ex got engaged, and i will still try to get her back untill they wed)
    You seem to be down about everything in your life. I know that feeling bro. That feeling alone will ruin you life. You can't be successful if you always are down about life. I finally got help about a year ago and started talking to the psych in the homeless shelter I was staying in. I just a couple months ago landed a crappy job making pennies but its a job!!!!!! It made me feel so much better. I got a little studio apt and am starting to get my life back together one step at a time. it takes a long time to come out of a deep hole. Please don't think that you will make anyones life better by ending yours. I lost my best friend to suicide yeas back and I still feel guilty and miss him. There is hope for you. You are in the hole, but you can climb out. Please believe that bro.
    If you are religious, take the advice from Jussy; it seems pretty sound advice. Im not, so I didnt go that route, but it may work fr you. Little things in my life are getting better everyday, and I know that it can be the same for you. I like the idea of making a goals list. But you have to remeber to focus on one at a time, or it will just be too overwhelming and you will crumple it up.
    Stay with us and maybe get some other help from a professional, your family, or a friend. Just remember you can come out of the hole.
     
  6. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    welcome, and thank you for sharing! i hope you can find the strength to get out of your shell.
     
  7. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I think your depression isn't so much a drinking problem as it is unemployment… which sucks. The 22 year old doesn't sound like a problem to me… lots of guys have younger girlfriends. People marry 40 year olds when they're 60. It's not like you'd be breaking the law.

    BUT I wouldn't recommend going back to college-- for the most part, it's a rip off… you finish with a lot of debt and scant job opportunities.

    Have you ever thought about going into a trade? It's something that I wish I had done instead of wasting my life in uni for 4 years. If you become an electrician or plumber or something, then even if there's no demand in your area chances are you can always find a small town somewhere that needs that kind of thing. And the cities are full of clients who are anxious to call you up every time there's a problem. If you have a skill, you can set up your own business pretty easily… you just need a set of tools and a vehicle, basically. And there will always be money in it as long as you have a skill that people will always need. There are also online businesses…

    So yeah, the good news is that when you have nothing to lose, you're free to go places and do things.