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new person here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Animatrixx, Sep 27, 2010.

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  1. Animatrixx

    Animatrixx New Member

    Hello and ys another new person intro....

    I am 50, had an almost 6 year relationship with my now becoming ex partner. It was brilliant for the first year, so so for the second, and then he fell out of love with me for many reasons, part of which I was the cause, part not.

    I have tried as hard as i can to fix the things I could and try to repair the relationsip.

    As of this month, I was told that I had no chance of succeeding, and was told to move out of what was to have been our home together, which I had helped to create, as soon as possible.

    Over the last couple of years I had spent every penny I had on trying to win back my dear one's love. Ran up a hellish credit card bill I can no longer manage. Pumped every cent I had into trying to see him smile at me again.... lost tons of weight, improved my image, learned to control my anger, went the extra mile to accept his bisexuality into my life, be ok with other partners for him as well (I admit I can manage other men, but still hate the thought of other women... possibly because they are always going to be mich younger than me? I am 50 he is 35 and it seems mutton isnt as tasty as lamb these days...)... I learned to change.

    It wasnt enough. My efforts to win him back were deemed "pressure" and apparently drove him away.

    I now face some grim choices: declare bankruptcy here in the UK, and then move out with no money and no credit, into what will likely be a bedsit in some junkie quarter of town, without my beloved pets, because I will never find a landlord to take me in with three pets and no credit or cash... OR I can try to move back to Belgium where I came out of when I met my now ex partner, where I still have a job waiting but again debts there as well, no credit and no place to live save a place on a couch with a friend for a month... my car is untaxed, unregistered in EITHER country and will cost me a packet to sort out in either country.... I woud have to wait 8 months and spend cash I dont have to do a pet passport for the pets, and then come back to the UK to get them at that time...

    I am still forced to stay in my now ex's flat.. sleep in the same bed as there is no place for me elsewhere... see him and want him and cant touch cant even look without pain pain pain.....

    My doggies are the only anchor I have to the earth now, and even they will betaken from me no matter how it turns out as I cant find a way to take them with me when I am forced out.. ex will care for them temporarily but then....

    for the last month I have been plagued with real plans for suicide. For the last week I have been feeling that I cant go on much longer and the thread that binds me to this earth is stretched wire thin about to snap.

    Therapy is shit, tried that and it was a waste of time and a total bullshit exercise. I dont need therapy, I need some luck and love and money and not to have nothing but bleak options.

    Drugs have taken a large part in my life as they fill the hole in my heart just enough to keep me ticking along. Just.

    Amazingly enough I still hold down (barely) a full time job.

    I am feeling pretty hopeless any more. If I could find a fast painless way out I would do so. I dont want to die messily or have it impact on my partner's parents (this month we found out his step mom is also terminally ill with cancer. Add that to the heap of shit luck..)...

    time to look at life. see if there's a route that I can take that will sort this out somehow... but each time I try to get sorted it gets more complicated.

    Tried to get financial advice, and the best thing I can find is complicated, costly and wont do more than discharge my debts but will leave me penniless and whithout even transport...

    damn. What a whine fest this intro is. sorry.

    can you see why i am here folks? lol

  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about sounding like you're whining. Lots of people need to vent sometimes.

    Welcome to the forum.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI and welcome to SF....
    you're sounding pretty overwhelmed at the moment ..I hope we can offer some help and support for you....
    Belgium sounds like the best route out to me..away from the ex is always a good thing...a job, a temperary place to stay, and then go from there?
    I was your age when I moved towns and started a new life...you can do it..
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm 55...live in the U.S. and have been "around the block" as they say. Things have gotten better for me in general since I came here about a year and a half ago. So, please don't give up yet...you never know what will happen.

    Welcome to SF! If you want to pm me, feel free to do so. Please take care!

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