New person, new suicidal rant.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by loopey, Apr 15, 2010.

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  1. loopey

    loopey Member

    Hi, I've never posted here before but I'm really in need of some understanding..

    Ssshh! Don't tell anyone. No one knows what is going on and I'd rather keep it that way.

    I get suicidal a lot.
    For the last few weeks, I've had a couple of good days a week, before then I was always suicidal, 24/7. But even in those good days - defined by being productive - I smile and I function and I wear pretty shoes and I can fool the world - suicide is never far from my mind, and whilst I might have forced myself to take part in everyday living, I still don't feel alive, or joy, or hope.

    I don't feel like I can live anymore, or that I have the strength to even want to. Simple curiousity makes me wonder about what could be ahead, but it just makes me sadder to think about what I could have been and what I can never become. Friends and family tie me to this earth. But what I haven't told anyone is 'God, it hurts so badly, no more, please, I can't take any more.'

    For the last 2 years, my mind has literally become twisted into a self-destructive mutant. It's grown; it's amplified. It's become a part of me. Engrained. It feeds off the physical pain. This is who I am, I cannot change it, not for lack of trying. When it comes down to it, suicide is my comfort. I am drawn to it.

    There is a part of me that wants to live. But this tiny little part has been trying to ward off invasion for years and it is exhausted. Irrationality made me want to die when I was continually depressed. Rationality has made me realise that trying to manufacture good days, every day of every week fails, and that I am never going to recover from this... because no one can help me but myself, and I can't help me. I've tried getting help, being on drugs... and that just makes it all the worse when they don't help - you know, that ripping moment when you realise you're out of options and people have given up on you.

    My housemates are going to be away this weekend. Its thursday now, and I'm already struggling with not acting on these urges. I have all these drugs, all these pills in my escape box, just waiting. But I need to wait until tomorrow, when the house is empty and I can sleep alone. I'm not going to lie. I am scared about dying, of doing this to myself. But then, I feel a surge of suicidality which makes me more determined... because how else can I do this?

    I'm telling the forum this because I need someone to understand how crushing this is, the raw despair, the pure agony of a mind going under.
  2. mikey -g-

    mikey -g- Well-Known Member

    it's good that youve come here, just talking about your feelings can help. if you ever want me to talk you can PM me.
  3. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    don't! just keep fighting some more, i know how it hurts, how it feels living when you can't take it.. i can relate to most of what you wrote, you're not alone.. just keep fighting..
    you need to talk, talk to us then! pm me if you want!
    but please, just don't do it!
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I totally understand the feelings you describe...please stay and let us (and there are many of us) support are not alone! PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling well but....
    don't do it....
    if you do it you will cause everyone in your world pain and suffering..
    If you fail you will be worse off than you are now...
    go to your doctor and get your meds changed...
    talk here as often as you can...
    call crisis line...
    talk to a friend..
    hold on and keep fighting...
    don't do it....
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