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New Poster! Could Use Some Advice

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ghostworld, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. ghostworld

    ghostworld New Member


    I don't really know how to do this, I'm new. I guess I'll just give everyone the rundown, tell me something if you want.

    I'm going into my second year of college. I go to a really prestigious, competitive university. Forgive the self-compliment, but most people would say I have a lot going for me. I have friends, I can talk to people, I seem pretty normal and sociable and everything.

    But I just don't care anymore. I don't. I'm not really in that much pain anymore, either. I just don't want to live my life to keep my parents happy. I want to check it out, go far away, just end it all. I know it isn't ethical, and I would hate to hurt anyone that loves me. But does this mean I should live this empty, tired, boring life?

    Everything just feels fucking flat. I don't enjoy anything. I am tired all of the time. Exhausted. Dead. I'm 19 and it feels like the last six years have been hell. I can't ever remember not feeling this way, but I'm really good at putting on a normal face so no one knows that I am struggling with this.

    Honestly, when I go to bed at night, I just fantasize about finally hanging myself in my closet, finally getting it done and getting to sleep forever.

    I assume people are going to say, "Stay alive and strong" and all of that stuff. But what if it just means nothing to you? Should I get on Prozac and sleepwalk through life and marry some guy I'll end up hating and have three snot nosed kids, just to go through the motions?

    I hope I don't sound like I'm whining! I've just never done anything like this before, and I thought people who've written and talked a lot about suicide might be able to give me some insight.
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Since your life apparently doesn't suck it's probably just a chemical imbalance.

    Talked to your doctor yet?
  3. ghostworld

    ghostworld New Member

    No, I haven't talked to my doctor because...I don't know. What is medication going to fix? Does medication really work for anyone? I thought it just made people overeat and feel even more dead and blank.

    I guess my point is that my life doesn't necessarily suck on paper, but it doesn't work for me. I kind of feel that I could have everything in life, all of the surface things people could wish for, but it wouldn't mean anything to me.

    Doesn't that make sense?
  4. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    I know how you feel dear, I’m pretty much in the same position myself - no matter what have going for me, I just don’t feel content or happy, though, I would never pretend my life is perfect - far from it in fact. Sometimes, when I leave the house I feel like I’m just pretending to be the person they think I am for the sake of it.

    How do you cope with stress? Perhaps this is just a reaction to difficulty in coping with the pressures of your life. I know that fear of failure and of not being able to achieve everything I could was definitely a contributing factor for me when I was doing my IB.

    Chemical imbalance or not (I hate being told that-makes me feel like there is no real hope because I am somehow physically different to everyone else, which isn’t true at all) finding the (emotional) root to your apathy may help you cope better. Have you tried counseling? It may help you come to terms with how you feel and somehow make you happier with the life you have. I personally also find working with my hand a therapeutic release-find something you enjoy and get carried away!! Give yourself a break, find the energy to go out and most importantly, break up your day so that it stops feeling monotonous - (I know it’s not that easy, but the energy has to come from you)

    Dear, if you feel something is missing and not quite right the chances are the something is missing, I hope that therapy will help you find that missing piece and help you feel more complete.

    Pm me if you need to talk, take care and be safe,

  5. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I've had the same feelings before... no pain, just very empty days and disconnected from life. Do you feel proud of the university you go to? You could be feeling this way because you haven't achieved anything that actually means something to you.
    If that's not it then try pinpointing when you started feeling this way... An event may have triggered it.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    my question would be : what life changing event happened to make you feel that way?
  7. papertiger

    papertiger Member

    This sounds exactly how I felt... leading up to the point of my own attempt, only I was up to my last year and feeling the pressure of graduating. The idea that I would feel empty forever, made me think- what's the point? I didn't know how to feel otherwise. There was nothing particularly bad about my life, but nothing great either.

    I didn't think I was depressed, but later I found out I was suffering from dysthymia. It's like living on a lower emotional plateau than everyone else, and as a result I suffered from some disassociation as well- feeling numb and out of body at times. I don't know when it started, only that I don't remember ever knowing otherwise.

    It turns out it really was a case of chemical imbalance, I don't think therapy alone would have helped me. After taking zoloft and going through therapy I've discovered what life is actually supposed to feel like. How it was explained to me was that it brings your overall level back up where it's supposed to be.
    I was always skeptical of therapy and antidepressants. I didn't think I was sad enough to be depressed but it turns out I was wrong. It's just another kind of depression where you're stuck in this gray area.
    I had very few side effects, and once you maintain a healthy level and learn to cope on your own, there's really no need for the meds anymore.

    You should consider counseling and possible meds, it sounds like you can only gain from experience.
  8. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    are you sure you are pursuing the career you really want>Maybe you are someone entirely different from what every one expects and maybe even demands of you?Ever thought about telling thjem all to screw it,and going for what YOU really want in life?My only advice is..whatever that is..please follow through..and graduate.:smile:
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