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new sense of desperation

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Hi all,
I'm obviously new here, hence posting in the new members thread. I've struggled with depression off and on since my late teens/early twenties, first serious major depressive episode was around age 26. I frequently have passive suicidal thoughts.... you know "i wish something would just kill me." I have two children, and even before them I never wanted the responsibility for ending my own life, but I certainly have periods where it doesn't seem worth living. Currently my life circumstances have me feeling completely trapped and hopeless. I'm a divorced single mother, and my children are difficult, to say the least. My 6 year old has autism... real, Rainman-style autism, and my 9 year old has ADHD and anxiety problems. My ex does the minimum to stay "involved" - the usual every other weekend gig, but the day to day of dealing with these children is wearing on me. I feel completely trapped. To make matters worse, I met a man almost a year ago and foolishly decided to allow him to talk me into a relationship - a long distance one. I'm old enough and experienced enough with relationships to feel pretty sure that if we lived together, we'd be able to have a pretty amazing partnership, and he's invited me to move there (300 miles from my current location) with my children. The desire to not only be with him, but to have someone to help me shoulder the daily weight of parenthood, is overwhelming, but I know that my older son will completely freak out. As much as his dad does the minimum, Sam WORSHIPS his father, and besides that, he doesn't handle change very well anyway. I also know my ex will give me a fight, although I would absolutely go out of my way to maintain frequent visits, video-chat on the computer, etc. Frankly, I wouldn't object in the least if we came to an agreement that my older son stayed here and Luke came with me. Given their wildly different needs I'm increasingly convinced that each of them having a more single-child type status would probably be beneficial; they have virtually no relationship due to Luke's disability.

God, sorry for rambling so much. I just feel like I need this whole situation taken from me, and I fantasize about vanishing completely. FYI, I am in therapy, and currently my body is a chemistry experiment so the medication issue is at least being explored. I hope having others to chat with who understand can be helpful. Thanks to all for reading!



Staff Alumni

You have alot on your plate, Im glad you found us, hope you can get some support here, its a great place!!!!
:welcome: to SF. I think you have found the right place to be. Our members have a myriad of issues to deal with and I am sure you will find some that can relate to you in the areas you mentioned. We are supportive of each other to the best of our abilities. I hope you can make yourself at home and join right in. Take care. :hug:


You have a big decision to make but I'm confident you'll make the right choice for yourself and your loved ones. Welcome aboard. :smile:


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Welcome to the site Ruth.:smile: You certainly have a lot on your plate. No wonder you feel as you do. And especially doing it all by yourself. We're here to listen to you whenever you need to vent and scream and cry. We can also offer strong shoulders to cry on whenever you need to cry. We offer strong arms to reach out to you when you feel lost and don't feel strong enough to hold yourself up. We're an international community of friends who care about one another. Glad you found us. Welcome!!!:smile:

love,:hug: :hug:

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