Hi, My friend suggested this website to me. I'm a 23 year old male and I am suicidal. I have a lot of backstory but I'm going to try not to beat around the bush. In early 2009, I decided to take a break from college to manage my anxiety issues. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me benzos (Ativan) and switched my anti-depressant (I was on Zoloft since 11 for depression). I had some bad reactions with the medication, mainly because I was overmedicating, running out and experiencing cold turkey withdrawal effects but when that was happening, I didn't realize it was from this particular drug until I did research online. I came across a website where people were desperately trying to come off these benzo medications. The first time, I read around for a while and I became aware that I needed to start taking them more responsibly. I did this for a while until I started to become depressed. My psychiatrist kept upping my dosage until I got to 8mg of Klonopin. I knew about benzos but I didn't realize how substancial of a dosage this was until I visited my general practitioner. She told me that the dosage I was at is almost unheard of and extremely dangerous. She warned me of the long term damage that it could cause and that is what made me decide I wanted to stop them before it became a problem. So I told my psychiatrist, long story short- he told me that my GP didn't know what she was talking about and that I probably needed to use and maintain these drugs for the remainder of my life. I told him no, I want off. So he gave me a tapering schedule that lasted about a month. This didn't work out because I ended up having a seizure. So I went back to that benzo support website to find a practical, slower tapering method. I did followed this schedule for about two months before I became suicidal. I told one of my friends how I was feeling, he offered me some painkillers. My decision making skills were shot and I was desperate and had considered going back on the benzos but I tried the painkillers first. It was like 7.5mg of vicodin. A year later, I was a full blown opiate addict snorting up to 90mg of oxymorphone a day whilst also reinstating to 6mg of Klonopin. Last April, I stopped the opiates cold turkey (because of an intervention). Rehab centers refused to let me in unless I detoxed off the Klonopin and by then I was very knowledgable about benzo withdrawal and knew to avoid the detox centers who use barbaric methods to get people off of them (talking about benzos here, not opiates). So I decided to start my taper over. I made it from 6mg to 0.75mg (my dosage today). So I take 0.75mg of Klonopin, 100mg of Pristiq (anti-depressant), 300mg of Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) and 300mg of Neurotin (nerve pain med supposed to help ease benzo w/d symptoms). The withdrawal has made my life completely unbearable. I'm living for the sake of my family and that's it. I've lost my job because of benzo w/d and I am now agoraphobic. The people on benzo support sites say to wait it out, continue to taper and I'll be fine once I'm "healed". For a long time, I listened to them. But now I'm questioning if any of this is worth the torture. This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through. Stopping painkillers was a breeze compared to this. Not only do I wake up with new, debilitating symptoms everyday; I wake up wanting to die. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep and I can't even do that without the use of OTC pills. I haven't relapsed on painkillers because I'm too anti-social to find any dealers. I haven't reinstated benzos because I still have one tiny shred of hope that MAYBE this is worth the fight but it's minuscule. The worst part is that if I were to go back on the med, I would have to go back to my highest dosage, 8mg JUST so I wouldn't experience tolerance withdrawal because I gained tolerance so quickly. And let's face it, my doctor was an evil fucker for prescribing that high a dosage and from what I've seen online, it IS unheard of to be on that dosage. Nobody with the worst anxiety EVER is on 8mg of Klonopin a day. So that's my story. It's probably confusing but I would really like to die at this point. I was always messed up even before the benzos. They just fried my brain so badly and I doubt I could ever get to state of normalcy again... even semi-normalcy. Then I think about my parents, my sister and brother. They're all fairly normal people and lead fairly normal lives and I couldn't imagine my parents having to bury me or my siblings having to suffer through my death. I would never want any of them to start a medication because of my death. I wouldn't want them to feel anything I've felt through the 10+ years of being medicated. That's all that's keeping me here. My friends aren't really true friends and most of them lost touch with me after all of this anyway. I would just like some peace now.