New, suicidal. F'ckin benzos.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mrfolkrock, Mar 3, 2012.

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  1. mrfolkrock

    mrfolkrock New Member


    My friend suggested this website to me. I'm a 23 year old male and I am suicidal. I have a lot of backstory but I'm going to try not to beat around the bush. In early 2009, I decided to take a break from college to manage my anxiety issues. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me benzos (Ativan) and switched my anti-depressant (I was on Zoloft since 11 for depression). I had some bad reactions with the medication, mainly because I was overmedicating, running out and experiencing cold turkey withdrawal effects but when that was happening, I didn't realize it was from this particular drug until I did research online. I came across a website where people were desperately trying to come off these benzo medications. The first time, I read around for a while and I became aware that I needed to start taking them more responsibly. I did this for a while until I started to become depressed. My psychiatrist kept upping my dosage until I got to 8mg of Klonopin. I knew about benzos but I didn't realize how substancial of a dosage this was until I visited my general practitioner. She told me that the dosage I was at is almost unheard of and extremely dangerous. She warned me of the long term damage that it could cause and that is what made me decide I wanted to stop them before it became a problem. So I told my psychiatrist, long story short- he told me that my GP didn't know what she was talking about and that I probably needed to use and maintain these drugs for the remainder of my life. I told him no, I want off. So he gave me a tapering schedule that lasted about a month. This didn't work out because I ended up having a seizure. So I went back to that benzo support website to find a practical, slower tapering method. I did followed this schedule for about two months before I became suicidal. I told one of my friends how I was feeling, he offered me some painkillers. My decision making skills were shot and I was desperate and had considered going back on the benzos but I tried the painkillers first. It was like 7.5mg of vicodin. A year later, I was a full blown opiate addict snorting up to 90mg of oxymorphone a day whilst also reinstating to 6mg of Klonopin. Last April, I stopped the opiates cold turkey (because of an intervention). Rehab centers refused to let me in unless I detoxed off the Klonopin and by then I was very knowledgable about benzo withdrawal and knew to avoid the detox centers who use barbaric methods to get people off of them (talking about benzos here, not opiates). So I decided to start my taper over. I made it from 6mg to 0.75mg (my dosage today).

    So I take 0.75mg of Klonopin, 100mg of Pristiq (anti-depressant), 300mg of Wellbutrin (anti-depressant) and 300mg of Neurotin (nerve pain med supposed to help ease benzo w/d symptoms). The withdrawal has made my life completely unbearable. I'm living for the sake of my family and that's it. I've lost my job because of benzo w/d and I am now agoraphobic. The people on benzo support sites say to wait it out, continue to taper and I'll be fine once I'm "healed". For a long time, I listened to them. But now I'm questioning if any of this is worth the torture. This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through. Stopping painkillers was a breeze compared to this. Not only do I wake up with new, debilitating symptoms everyday; I wake up wanting to die. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep and I can't even do that without the use of OTC pills. I haven't relapsed on painkillers because I'm too anti-social to find any dealers. I haven't reinstated benzos because I still have one tiny shred of hope that MAYBE this is worth the fight but it's minuscule. The worst part is that if I were to go back on the med, I would have to go back to my highest dosage, 8mg JUST so I wouldn't experience tolerance withdrawal because I gained tolerance so quickly. And let's face it, my doctor was an evil fucker for prescribing that high a dosage and from what I've seen online, it IS unheard of to be on that dosage. Nobody with the worst anxiety EVER is on 8mg of Klonopin a day.

    So that's my story. It's probably confusing but I would really like to die at this point. I was always messed up even before the benzos. They just fried my brain so badly and I doubt I could ever get to state of normalcy again... even semi-normalcy. Then I think about my parents, my sister and brother. They're all fairly normal people and lead fairly normal lives and I couldn't imagine my parents having to bury me or my siblings having to suffer through my death. I would never want any of them to start a medication because of my death. I wouldn't want them to feel anything I've felt through the 10+ years of being medicated. That's all that's keeping me here. My friends aren't really true friends and most of them lost touch with me after all of this anyway. I would just like some peace now.
  2. mrfolkrock

    mrfolkrock New Member

    Well now that I feel incredibly stupid typing all that out to be the only person who hasn't received one reply. Can someone just delete this?
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I just wrote a reply and the server timed out and i lost it all!!! so here goes again..

    I think you did an amazing job getting off those meds so don't give up yet!
    you have come so far and I hope you will keep trying
    Do you have new psychiatrist?
    have you told your docs you are still feeling suicidal?

    I lost my son to suicide and I died too the day he took his life..
    that's when I found this's helped me so much
    there's not a day goes by though that I don't wish I could die
    I commend you for caring and understanding about your family to know the pain and suffering your death would leave them
    a parent should never have to bury their child and suicide leaves an extra burden to those left behind

    I understand how hard it is to fight this illness but please keep reaching out to your family, friends and here on the forum
    take care of yourself for you are important to those who love you *hug*
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